To feel that my pregnancy and 4th trimester has been ruined?

[WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac]

Morning, I know there's lots of MIL threads but I'm genuinely stuck.

We found out we were having a baby March last year. My DP has very little relationship with his mother at this point, non with his dad having been kicked out of his family home by his father at the age of 10 and subsequently raised by his nan. He discussed this with his mother in April after refusing to clean up their house while they were on holidays - his 22 year old sister had a tantrum that he refused to pick up the dog mess for her (she lives in the parents house with the dog but didn't want to do it because it was "icky").
In an apparent attempt to heal the relationship with her son she became incredibly over bearing with us - trying to redecorate our house at first - which would have been ok except she kept referring to our home as "DP's house" and telling me that my opinions don't matter. As I became more pregnant it escalated.

1. I was told not to bother buying maternity clothes to just get the next size up and she had plenty of size 16 clothes that I could have.
2. I wanted to home birth - she called me a filthy bitch.
3. She threatened to slap me (at 6 months gone) because I didn't want a baby shower (I don't agree with them, they're begging)
4. She organised an intervention because one of my name choices would have been "child abuse" - I wanted to give the baby my grandfathers name as a middle name.
5. She accused me of keeping the baby away from the family because I asked for 3 days just me and DP when baby arrived - she came prematurely and she was poorly, I was struggling to establish BF and just needed some space.
6. My personal favourite this - when the midwife and Dr readmitted me for exhaustion when they readmitted the baby for jaundice and I had a bit of a melt down because I was so tired I thought it was my fault baby had it, they offered me a referral to perinatal mental health her response was that I "needed to get a grip of herself before they took the baby off her"
7. She also told me it was my fault the baby was taken back in with Bronchiolitis because I wasn't dressing her properly (my HV told me that I was dressing her too warmly but MIL response was that HV knew nothing).

Most recent issue has been that we're keeping her from the baby - she keeps wanting to come down 7:30 at night smack in the middle of bath time and bed time. I relented last week and just cracked on doing my usual evening routine, making tea, dishes etc and let her look after the baby to which DP had a bollocking that I wasn't making her feel welcome and "wtf was her (my) problem!?". I wasn't well, Im struggling with PNA if I was that ill I shouldn't have said she could come.
Fast forward to the weekend, DP had had a shit day at work, wanted some us time but had arranged for his mother to come at 5. At half 5 she informed us that she'd be down half 6ish because she had to wait for the other grandchild to be picked up from hers. DP replied with could you come over the weekend as its a bit late then because we wanted to bath baby, put her to bed so we could sit down together and she errupted. Apparently we are stopping her from seeing the baby, trying to make her book appointments (we're not but I work from home with clients etc so its hard having people come and go when I'm teaching - we just need an approximate time).
She seems to think that she should be able to come and go as she pleases - she never came to see us pre pregnancy and we weren't allowed to her house because of the father. Every anxiety attack I've had corresponds to her shouting at us for not "doing as we're told". I feel like I've spent so much time dealing with her drama that it clouded my pregnancy and the first few weeks of baby's life - its been ruined. How can I repair this lost time with my daughter?
DP has cut MIL off - she's not happy and we're dealing with the fall out at the moment but we neither of us want the drama she brings. But the fall out is affecting us as a couple - I'm being assessed for PND now.

What an absolutely poisonous atmosphere.

OP, unfortunately your husband is putting his and his mother's needs ahead of his wife and his child.

Some men do this.

Your child needs you to be strong now.

Go away for a few days and take your baby with you.

I wouldn't allow anyone near my children who felt they couldn't control their anger.

Who on earth does she think she is?

Your husband is a disgrace.

Sadly he doesn't realise that he is doing irreplaceable damage to is marriage.

Be sure to tell him that.

Do not allow him to do a "poor me, in the middle of all this".

He needs to man up.

Wishing you strength 💐

Trouble is, he didn't cut her off. But now he should.

How old is your baby now?

All that he has done by taking your baby is reinforced to his mum that you are the problem. I would take your baby and go and stay with your mum

@Nanny0gg DD is 14 weeks, 9 corrected.
I know exactly what he'll say, he's being the bigger person, its his mother's birthday. I know he'll go up there Saturday and spend god knows how long listening to her slag me off and come back to tell me that I should relax about bedtime and bath time let his mother come after work.

I don't want to make him choose between me and her - but I do want him to put DD first. I feel like Im banging my head against the brick wall. Just the thought of Saturday has the big black dog of PNA sat on the doorstep

The bedtime/bathtime thing is the least of it.
The woman's whole poisonous character and behaviour is the problem.
Your DP needs to protect you and his child from that.

Moving away is probably the best idea he's ever had and you should do it.

Do not allow him to do a "poor me, in the middle of all this".

He's not in the middle.
He's actively choosing to prioritise his horrible parent.

I would give him an ultimatum myself. I know it's extreme but you don't have to be the one to come second, or let him take her to see someone who is verbally abusive towards you.

Basically if he is not on your side in this then the relationship won't make it .

@Happityhap - I don't want him to choose between us. But it has made me feel like him wanting to smooth things over is him letting his mother get away with speaking to me like this and demanding shit.

I'm getting increasingly angry this. He's giving her the message its fine to speak to/about me, the mother of his child, like shit. Therefore he will probably allow DD to speak to me like shit when she's older. Im that unimportant.

He can go up there and listen to his mother slag me off and she'll probably turn him against me.

Nope.

Time to say "DH, that doesn't work for me. Our daughter is not going to visit with your mother. You are free to go, but DD is not. She is staying here. Your mother does not get to call the shots where our daughter is concerned. If you do bring her, then I will have to give some serious consideration to how you are treating me and our daughter."

I would also start looking at homes that are a bus ride away from your MIL but close enough for your own mum to make it to yours and you to her. You need to put distance between you and your MIL.

But it has made me feel like him wanting to smooth things over is him letting his mother get away with speaking to me like this and demanding shit.

I used to find insisting on being present worked - meant things didn't happen to my child I wasn't happy with and meant any negative comments to me could be countered by me - but it was very hard and I was definely evil one for many years.

We moved further away - that helped a lot though meant longer visits - so if that's an option do it.

I also found it easier to stop his parents doing things or undermining DH than he did - though I prefer visiting my parents with him for similar reason he say no it gets listened to.

I do think it takes a long time to see what's happening or learn to stand your ground - often refered to as FOG here.

I think you need to explain how he's making you feel and try and get on the same page again.

I would let him go and take his child on the proviso that the minute she starts slagging you off he leaves and tells his mum he will not hear bad about you.

Let her hate you, but your husband shouldn't allow her to speak badly of you in front of him or his child. He needs to prove he has your back.

Can't see him leaving if she starts slagging me off. Apparently he's got to put a stop to this power struggle and he doesn't want to be a prick and not go because its his mothers birthday

OP, he's either with you or he's against you.

He can't have it both ways when faced with someone like this.

You are correct, highly unlikely he'll get up and leave.

You'll have set a precedent that he can bring your child.

If you allow it once and then stop it, you will be asked why are you stopping it when you did allow it before.

Unfortunately, unless you lay down your boundaries now, they will be stamped on.

Your MIL is depending on your tiredness and exhaustion will get her, her way.

I repeat. Do not allow your child to go anywhere near her.

Pack up and go to your parents.
Tell your husband he's welcome to his mother, if she is more important than his new baby and wife.

You have not caused this, so don't be the one who is brought down by this awful behaviour.
💐

Another vote for putting your foot down and saying no to him taking your DD to see his mum. He can go if he wants, but he needs to know that you will not allow his mother to treat you, and by extension your DD, like this.

Don’t present any ultimatums at the moment, just be firm and say that DD will be staying with you. Take her out first thing in the morning to visit your mum or a friend if you have to.

I don't understand how he can sit and listen to her poison. He is being complicit in her mental abuse of you by allowing her to go off. If my family started blasting my partner I would walk out, because my feelings would be hurt on his behalf.

When you really love and respect someone, it should be unbearable to listen to someone else picking them apart.

My MIL told people she was trying to split us up.

Neigbour managed it with her Ds and DIL - they ended up divorced she cause endeless fights between them - which were clear to outsiders but her Ds couldn't see -and he took the children to his Mum every other weekend.

Friends had similar - he had a bad relationship with his Mum - but when they did a seperatation it was where he went with their baby girl until she lost her temper and phycially attacked him while he was holding his child. They got back together shortly afterwards.

I'd be very careful about issuing ultimations tempting though it is.

You want him to see what you see and you don't really want to be playing the game your MIL seems to want to.

Honestly try the Toxic IL book or the older book The games people play.

14 weeks?? Far too young to be away from you. Are you still BF? EVEN more reason.

You have a real problem with your DH I'm sorry to say.

And if he's bothered about her birthday he can send a bloody card

@Nanny0gg I wish I was still BF but the stress and DD being poorly put the knockers on that 😭
And my mother has DD for 3 hours a week for me to provide private tuition so I can't say I don't want we separated from her.

Either way, if I stop her from going up with her father to MIL I'll be the one in the wrong then and I'll be the one causing drama and being a hypocrite.

It's such a mess.

I don't want to be separated from her. Ever. I only provide tuition out of home to fulfill obligations prior to pregnancy and these clients finish soon.

*WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac

I don't want to be separated from her.*

We know, but that’s not a healthy way of thinking. So is her dad never going to take her anywhere by himself (NOT his mother’s I mean...‘Cos hell no!).?

OP, you haven't come between mother and son. She's done this herself, by her rudeness, demanding behaviour and total lack of respect and understanding of the needs of a new mother and her baby.

She sounds positively toxic, and all of you will be better off without her in your lives.

I hope you soon start to feel better and don't beat yourself up about this. You've given her far more leeway than I would have done.

Oh dear.
DP has managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory in the final minutes.
If you don't want to be separated from your DD, then go with them. That way DP might see (again) how truly vile she is.
If all else fails, the MN patio laying service is available on sunday....

When you stay silent to keep the peace, you cause a war within yourself.

You know she's poison.

Go against what you know is right and you will be the looser.

@virginpinkmartini.....as virgin has written, I couldn't sit and listen to my husband being torn to shreds by my family, how could I when I love him and am loyal to him.

I find it astonishing that anyone who loved their spouse could do that.

For me it would indicate we didn't have a healthy relationship.

💐

@Clangus00 no I know that's not healthy but right now I don't want to be separated. And I don't want her going there.

Currently he's not speaking to me because I've asked him not to put my name on the birthday. He might be willing to smooth things over but Im not and I'm no hypocrite