To feel that my pregnancy and 4th trimester has been ruined?

[WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac]

Morning, I know there's lots of MIL threads but I'm genuinely stuck.

We found out we were having a baby March last year. My DP has very little relationship with his mother at this point, non with his dad having been kicked out of his family home by his father at the age of 10 and subsequently raised by his nan. He discussed this with his mother in April after refusing to clean up their house while they were on holidays - his 22 year old sister had a tantrum that he refused to pick up the dog mess for her (she lives in the parents house with the dog but didn't want to do it because it was "icky").
In an apparent attempt to heal the relationship with her son she became incredibly over bearing with us - trying to redecorate our house at first - which would have been ok except she kept referring to our home as "DP's house" and telling me that my opinions don't matter. As I became more pregnant it escalated.

1. I was told not to bother buying maternity clothes to just get the next size up and she had plenty of size 16 clothes that I could have.
2. I wanted to home birth - she called me a filthy bitch.
3. She threatened to slap me (at 6 months gone) because I didn't want a baby shower (I don't agree with them, they're begging)
4. She organised an intervention because one of my name choices would have been "child abuse" - I wanted to give the baby my grandfathers name as a middle name.
5. She accused me of keeping the baby away from the family because I asked for 3 days just me and DP when baby arrived - she came prematurely and she was poorly, I was struggling to establish BF and just needed some space.
6. My personal favourite this - when the midwife and Dr readmitted me for exhaustion when they readmitted the baby for jaundice and I had a bit of a melt down because I was so tired I thought it was my fault baby had it, they offered me a referral to perinatal mental health her response was that I "needed to get a grip of herself before they took the baby off her"
7. She also told me it was my fault the baby was taken back in with Bronchiolitis because I wasn't dressing her properly (my HV told me that I was dressing her too warmly but MIL response was that HV knew nothing).

Most recent issue has been that we're keeping her from the baby - she keeps wanting to come down 7:30 at night smack in the middle of bath time and bed time. I relented last week and just cracked on doing my usual evening routine, making tea, dishes etc and let her look after the baby to which DP had a bollocking that I wasn't making her feel welcome and "wtf was her (my) problem!?". I wasn't well, Im struggling with PNA if I was that ill I shouldn't have said she could come.
Fast forward to the weekend, DP had had a shit day at work, wanted some us time but had arranged for his mother to come at 5. At half 5 she informed us that she'd be down half 6ish because she had to wait for the other grandchild to be picked up from hers. DP replied with could you come over the weekend as its a bit late then because we wanted to bath baby, put her to bed so we could sit down together and she errupted. Apparently we are stopping her from seeing the baby, trying to make her book appointments (we're not but I work from home with clients etc so its hard having people come and go when I'm teaching - we just need an approximate time).
She seems to think that she should be able to come and go as she pleases - she never came to see us pre pregnancy and we weren't allowed to her house because of the father. Every anxiety attack I've had corresponds to her shouting at us for not "doing as we're told". I feel like I've spent so much time dealing with her drama that it clouded my pregnancy and the first few weeks of baby's life - its been ruined. How can I repair this lost time with my daughter?
DP has cut MIL off - she's not happy and we're dealing with the fall out at the moment but we neither of us want the drama she brings. But the fall out is affecting us as a couple - I'm being assessed for PND now.

Block her and never look back! Do you really want your baby growing up with this woman in her life?

I’d have gone NC a long time ago.
Please stick to NC!

Haven't seen a better set of reasons for going NC since the one where MiL let herself into the house and removed DiL's box of precious memory bits and binned it all.

I'm sorry you've had to go through all that but please try not to dwell on the first few weeks of life with your DD. At 18 months I declared that I still felt like a fraud and was merely playing a part of loving our DD. She is now almost 7 and you'd never know I ever doubted loving her. Your DD won't remember this time and you have her whole life to bond.

Well done to your DH, his mum sounds seriously toxic.

You have looked after your DD, established boundaries with horrible MIL and supported each other through it. I’d say that’s a very constructive (albeit not at all pleasant) use of the last few months. Try not to mourn the time gone by, enjoy the new peace with your baby.

And commiserations on the bronchiolitis: my DD had a bad bout when she was still very small and it was terrifying.

Point 2. Would have been the end of the line for me. You have really tried to make it work somehow but she is just horrible. Time to move on without her.

Sorry she has had such a negative impact on your time with the baby so far. Once MIL is out of your life you will hopefully feel much better about it all.

I think it's quite common for adults who were emotionally abused by their parents, to try and re-establish a relationship with their parents when they have a baby on the way. Some kind of hope that their parents will be decent and a 'normal' family dynamic can happen. It's not your DH's fault for trying, it's just your MIL is toxic. Well done to your DH for going non-contact again.

Do try and access some counselling for your PNA/D, it could really help you feel better. Hopefully just having your MIL out of your life will start to improve things!

Good on your DP! She sound toxic. Please don’t dwell and blame yourself, these things happen all the time through no fault of the mother. She was bang out of order for blaming you! Nasty witch.

Another one saying a rousing three cheers for DP. Having gone no contact, stay no contact, and enjoy the bloody peace and quiet. Ignore any and all flying monkeys, and block all avenues of potential contact or abuse.

Stay strong, (you've been very strong, you've had a hell of a time), and enjoy your family of your DP, you, and your baby, as you forge the bonds and ties of a healthy, non-toxic, immediate family unit.

You attempted to facilitate a nice relationship between your DD and her grandmother. The woman shat all over your efforts. Well done to your DH for doing the right thing by you and his child.
That was not wasted time - you both know you tried, and if your DD ever asks you can look her in the eye and say so.
Enjoy your precious baby now, and know that you are a wonderful mother because you have always put her first. That’s what she will grow up knowing, and she will cherish you.

Don't worry about the bound you have. I had a v traumatic birth with my first. For medical reasons can't breastfeed and was readmitted at 6 days for over a week due to jaundice and then on the day we were to be allowed home a heart defect was discovered. My mum later confessed when she came down to see me (following a panicked call from DH) that she stood outside the ward waiting to be signed in for a second wondered who that poor women was looking so terrified and exhausted only to release it was me!

When we finally got out and everything was sorted I almost started scratch, days in bed with baby cuddling to sleep, until I was ready to go out and face the world. I have an amazing bond with both my daughter now and with her younger sibling. Although you are very aware of what you judge as having missed, they aren't. They are just aware of your smell and your heartbeat and your arms being there for them.

Take a deep breathe and give yourself time. You will find your rhythm.

Let it go - just like Elisa - at least you can go NC - so stick to that.

I know it's not easy - NC wasn't an option so years of dealing with upset trying to enforce boundaries and feeling unsuported by DH - I realised I was one eing upset all the time - everyone else blipped past it all - and realised I had to let deal with it all better which meant a lot more dealing with it there and then and moving on and not dwelling.

At some point it all died down with us - though recently I got very annoyed that another family member was being slated - I did ask about pnd - oh no on and on - 6 months down the line they deny everything they said - it was pnd - they were always supportive .

Honestly try and move on and focus on the future.

The only solution for this nut job is to go NC

What fall out is there & why is it affecting you as a couple?

Imo your husband should have done it much sooner!

Is your mother around? Could you arrange for her to visit at the same time as in laws to keep them in line? Perhaps meet up with her once a week or fortnight outside of your house. I'm not one for cutting family out of lives as it often doesn't decrease tension. But you do need to control circumstances. Let her know when she can visit. Let her know what times are not suitable. Make her give you notice. Stick to it. If she shows up around bedtime, either don't answer the door (you couldn't leave the baby unattended in the bath and your partner was busy) or turn her away. After doing this once or twice she should get the message. It's a bit like training a puppy. Clear boundaries and be consistent. Reward good behaviour! It does tend to get easier as kids get older, but it's hard managing relationships and overbearing in laws during the first few months. They all want to sit and cuddle a newborn. Once a baby is crawling and harder work, they tend to bugger off (if my experience).

On the plus side, you know you've tried. You gave her a good chance to show she'd changed and now you know.

Thank you all very much for affirming that we've done the right thing going NC. I've tried my best. Im in most day (I work from 3:30-7ish 3 days a week so house is a no go then), I've invited her to toddlers with me - there are people there that know her and often ask why she doesn't come, she works irregular hours so she doesn't HAVE to come in the evenings as she has mornings off sometimes too. All texts we've had are all about HER. She's struggling, she's tried to get on with me but I'm too difficult, its making her depressed, she's struggling to keep her temper with me, she's said that other family members are saying that we've stopped them from seeing the baby - we've not heard from them ourselves and a lot of my family haven't met DD themselves yet - everyone is busy but they aren't complaining.

DP kept his promise about not having anything to do with his "father", MIL finally left him in September. He's adamant that if it wasn't for the fact that I need my mother we'd move. We all live within a 300 yard radius of each other.

She sounds batty!

Struggling to keep her temper with you?

Wtaf??

What does that even mean?

Could it be that you don't ask "how high" when she demands that you jump?

Does your mom drive? I would still move

Fall out? DP feels guilty, I'm struggling to console him because I think he shouldn't feel guilty. Her texts are making me feel like I should take the baby and leave. His other family members are trying to persuade us to relent, that I'm over reacting (I haven't done anything - I've refuse to speak to her after she said I didn't make her welcome). DP's nan is trying to get us to smooth things over - I understand her daughter and grandson are at logger heads. It's going to be upsetting. I feel horrendous as I've come between a mother and son although DP maintains that her doesn't see her as a mother. He's trying to keep everyone happy and I'm trying to protect DD from toxicity and drama. He's really struggling - stuck between a rock and a hard place.

"We all live within 300 yards of each other"

That right there is your problem. That's mind bogglingly claustrophobic!!! Good for your DH going NC. Next step would be to move if it was me.

He only needs to keep you & your daughter happy.

His mum & those trying to fight for her can fuck off-they don't deserve his consideration.

He needs to stop feeling guilty.

She was a shit mother & is still being a shit mother & a shit GM to boot.

She called you a dirty bitch ffs!

The rock & hard place that he's stuck between are of other people's making-he can't sort it out & he needs to stop trying for his own sake & yours!

He’s done the right thing by going NC. Your MIL is unbelievable for acting the way she has

It all sounds revoltingly toxic. I think you should move. You don't need your mum - plenty of people manage being a bit further away from parents.

He needs to block her number in order to go NC. Then she can't text him. As for other family members trying to intervene, you both need to make it very clear that you are not interested in his mother's whinging. Don't reply to any texts from family if they are about her. If anyone ties to start a conversation then you and Dh need to shut it down straight away. She has brought this all on herself.