To feel that my pregnancy and 4th trimester has been ruined?

[WispaGoldsshouldcomeinmultipac]

Morning, I know there's lots of MIL threads but I'm genuinely stuck.

We found out we were having a baby March last year. My DP has very little relationship with his mother at this point, non with his dad having been kicked out of his family home by his father at the age of 10 and subsequently raised by his nan. He discussed this with his mother in April after refusing to clean up their house while they were on holidays - his 22 year old sister had a tantrum that he refused to pick up the dog mess for her (she lives in the parents house with the dog but didn't want to do it because it was "icky").
In an apparent attempt to heal the relationship with her son she became incredibly over bearing with us - trying to redecorate our house at first - which would have been ok except she kept referring to our home as "DP's house" and telling me that my opinions don't matter. As I became more pregnant it escalated.

1. I was told not to bother buying maternity clothes to just get the next size up and she had plenty of size 16 clothes that I could have.
2. I wanted to home birth - she called me a filthy bitch.
3. She threatened to slap me (at 6 months gone) because I didn't want a baby shower (I don't agree with them, they're begging)
4. She organised an intervention because one of my name choices would have been "child abuse" - I wanted to give the baby my grandfathers name as a middle name.
5. She accused me of keeping the baby away from the family because I asked for 3 days just me and DP when baby arrived - she came prematurely and she was poorly, I was struggling to establish BF and just needed some space.
6. My personal favourite this - when the midwife and Dr readmitted me for exhaustion when they readmitted the baby for jaundice and I had a bit of a melt down because I was so tired I thought it was my fault baby had it, they offered me a referral to perinatal mental health her response was that I "needed to get a grip of herself before they took the baby off her"
7. She also told me it was my fault the baby was taken back in with Bronchiolitis because I wasn't dressing her properly (my HV told me that I was dressing her too warmly but MIL response was that HV knew nothing).

Most recent issue has been that we're keeping her from the baby - she keeps wanting to come down 7:30 at night smack in the middle of bath time and bed time. I relented last week and just cracked on doing my usual evening routine, making tea, dishes etc and let her look after the baby to which DP had a bollocking that I wasn't making her feel welcome and "wtf was her (my) problem!?". I wasn't well, Im struggling with PNA if I was that ill I shouldn't have said she could come.
Fast forward to the weekend, DP had had a shit day at work, wanted some us time but had arranged for his mother to come at 5. At half 5 she informed us that she'd be down half 6ish because she had to wait for the other grandchild to be picked up from hers. DP replied with could you come over the weekend as its a bit late then because we wanted to bath baby, put her to bed so we could sit down together and she errupted. Apparently we are stopping her from seeing the baby, trying to make her book appointments (we're not but I work from home with clients etc so its hard having people come and go when I'm teaching - we just need an approximate time).
She seems to think that she should be able to come and go as she pleases - she never came to see us pre pregnancy and we weren't allowed to her house because of the father. Every anxiety attack I've had corresponds to her shouting at us for not "doing as we're told". I feel like I've spent so much time dealing with her drama that it clouded my pregnancy and the first few weeks of baby's life - its been ruined. How can I repair this lost time with my daughter?
DP has cut MIL off - she's not happy and we're dealing with the fall out at the moment but we neither of us want the drama she brings. But the fall out is affecting us as a couple - I'm being assessed for PND now.

Mam doesn't drive but is quite confident taking buses, but DP wants us to be within walking distance to my mother - I'd have been really poorly with my MH without her and he likes knowing that if he rings she can be with me within seconds.

It is a case of us refusing to jump when she want's us to - the whole thing came to a head because we'd apparently ruined her holiday by refusing to go to her house (where DP hasn't been welcome for over 20 years unless his father isn't there) to clean up after her dog because DPs sister -who lives there- wouldn't pick up the dog mess herself.

They seem very quick to blame me. "DP has changed since meeting her (me)" - yeh, he's passed his driving test, bought himself a car, been on holidays for the first time, got a better job and enrolled in uni - Im pure evil.

When I'm in the depths of the PND fog, all I hear is her voice telling me how everything is my fault. And when I nearly lost DD to bronchiolitis (it was touch and go for a while) and she said that it broke me. I will never forgive her for that. Especially as if I'd listened to MIL telling me DD only had a cold I would never have taken her to the Drs and she would've been at home when she stopped breathing.

Forget the idea of "lost time" I just wanted to echo this. My son's dad cheated on me when I was pregnant and when he was on paternity leave, I found out at 3 weeks postpartum. I had this idea of "lost time" for a while. However my son is now almost 5 and we're so close and our relationship is so amazing those few weeks just don't matter.

As a mil, I hate the mil threads, seems almost impossible not to piss off some dips, although I get on well with mine.
But your mil sounds like a nightmare. Definitely need to set some boundaries here. Hope it gets easier.

I feel horrendous as I've come between a mother and son

You haven’t done anything. She has created this whole situation so please don’t feel bad about it

I disagree, I do need my mother. Not only is she my childcare, she's the only one who speaks our mother tongue with her except me. DD won't hear it in conversation otherwise

MIL sounds like a toxic bitch, I'd be so worried to leave baby with her if she's threatening you like that. Good for your DP going NC. Keep it that way and looks after your lovely new family and forget her. You are amazing OP

Seriously, you’re better off without her

She sounds very much like my MIL. We’ve been nc for 18 months now and it’s been bliss.

She blames me for that. Before I came along she reckons her and dh were best of friends. But they weren’t. She was an abusive bitch and we are glad we have nothing to do with her now.

Blimey! What a nightmare. Everything you listed in your opening post is appalling but I cannot get my head round this:

2. I wanted to home birth - she called me a filthy bitch.

That was so abusive but why would somebody be a 'filthy bitch' for giving birth at home? I've known several who have done so. Did you or your husband ask why she said it?

Dreadful woman.

Ok, on the language front you have no need to worry about your Dc not learning your mother tongue only from you - I have several friends whose children are bilingual and their almost sole exposure to the second language is from one parent only (with occasional exposure on holiday with relatives) so take this worry and park it somewhere!
Do you rent or own? Obvs if you rent it’s easier to put some distance between you....it doesn’t have to be miles away if you really want to be close to your mother but just a little further from MIL... If you own then I understand moving is a very big step and to be put on the back burner till you’re feeling stronger.

Seriously, OP, you could move two miles down the road and it would still help! You have good reasons for wanting to be near your mum (not that you need to justify this to anyone anyway) but you are about as geographically close to her as it's possible to be! Your little family will not always be in such crisis, and as time goes on and you get more support/fewer nutjobs in your life, things with the baby will not be as overwhelming.

There's nothing wrong with wanting her close by, but at some point you will be able to cope without her being practically next door, especially if staying so close keeps you in this really dysfunctional situation. I would gently think about moving at some point in the future.

I'm so glad that the baby has at least one sane, supportive grandparent. And your DP sounds amazing too. You yourself are really brave and self-reflective. I hope things come right soon x

@Bluerussian I had a few people tell me it was a filthy idea - they were convinced the hospital would have been so much cleaner. As it happened, she was prem and I had to go in where they left me and DD unmonitored - ironically put on the consultant ward so I could be kept an eye on, begging to push for hours. The midwife that examined me after DP kicked off said I'd been fully dilated for hours herself. The other staff kept telling me that as it was my first baby I'd be ages and to go back to bed... 🤦🏻

@Bluerussian I'd have been better off at home.

All texts we've had are all about HER
How is this possible?
NC means you block all her numbers.
You ignore any messages that do get through.
Do some googling on 'FLYING MONKEYS'
Also google 'grey rock method'. It's a great insight into how to deal with narcissistic people.
You could google that too if you haven't already - narcissists and narcissistic personality disorder!
Also have a look at these books
THIS BOOK HERE
AND ONE FOR YOU OP

Tell her to f off!

She sounds awful.

I had a few people tell me it was a filthy idea what part of the country are you in? I've lived all over and never heard anything like that being said about home births and I know a fair few people who had them (I wanted one but it's a good job I couldn't as me and dd would have died!)

I've heard people say that about home births. I think they envisage giving birth like something out of a horror movie and picture blood all up the walls or something.

Hospital's don't exactly have a reputation for being the cleanest places! Especially shared wards/toilets/baths/showers before during and after birth! Often with visitors ignoring patient only signs because they're too lazy to walk a little further to the visitor facilities!

Little update for you all. DP has caved and is taking the baby up his mothers on Saturday as it is her birthday and he "owes it to her to smooth things over."
FM actual L.
I understand that its a difficult situation to be in but its nice to know how far down the pecking order to him I fall.

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage

I think that you are being too nice. Go and stay with your Mother for the weekend. Tell him bluntly that his Mother has compromised your mental health with his behaviour and cannot be trusted to have a relationship with your daughter until she acknowledges that and apologises. In your shoes, I would also worry about her temper and desire to hit out.

Did he do any reading at all?
This is NOT a good move on his part at all OP.
He knows it too.
Get him to do some reading and fast!!!!

Sorry ‘her behaviour’

My Mother was the overbearing one when I had my first. She and my DH really hate each other now because of her behaviour and the effect it had on me. I had to put my foot down with her and it was so so hard. I don’t think our relationship has ever really recovered. I think some women lose their grip on reality when they become grandparents. X

OP it's great that DP has cut MiL she's a bloody nightmare and you're best shot of her. That said I don't think your time with your baby has been ruined. I think you're letting this issue, probably not helped by PNA, cloud the entire experience of your baby's first months. You've had plenty of time with your DD without MiL there, I'm sure you've had plenty of cuddles, she's been close to you, felt your warmth, your familiar smell and been content.

That's awful, OP.
There's no way to have a civil relationship with that woman, and it's no wonder your MH is suffering.

DP needs to rethink and get back to supporting you and his child.
Moving even a few miles away, would be a good idea.

OP you need to put your foot down and say no.