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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you move in with a grandparent?

54 replies

Oksunny · 20/01/2020 19:56

My Nan is lonely. It’s me DP & our two young kids. She wants us to all put our money in & buy a house together (we’re currently renting but have a sizeable deposit from inheritance so have been looking to buy.)

My Nan is totally lovely & obviously lonely, she’s also said that the house would be left to us if anything happened to her. But she can be a little interfering & judgemental at times. I’m not sure If I could reign that in a bit if we agree to go ahead.

So would you live with a grandparent, or is it a recipe for disaster?

OP posts:
LittleMermaidRose · 20/01/2020 19:59

I think it would be lovely. Maybe just have a discussion beforehand about ground rules?

Whoopsies · 20/01/2020 20:01

I just about tolerate having to live with dh and my own children, I could not live with extended family!

namechangingtime · 20/01/2020 20:01

I think it's so different for every person you'll get a range of answers. In my case I probably wouldn't, not due to anything being wrong with them, I just personally couldn't cope with that.
In your case her interfering behaviour needs to be carefully considered, and how best to manage that. Do you have enough so that she could have an annex type situation but she can still come down to the living area in the house when she's feeling lonely? You also need to be confident in saying when she's doing too much, or around too much. But if anything was managed and a way to keep everyone happy is found then I think it would be a lovely idea for everyone.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/01/2020 20:04

Would you be able to handle looking after her as she gets older? I personally couldn’t.

Original poster
Oksunny · 20/01/2020 20:05

Yes an annexe is definitely being considered! Not to many about unfortunately but we could always buy below budget & build one. I do feel a bit bad though, as the majority of the money would be coming from her house, how could I say ‘go to your annexe nan you’re doing my head in’ 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Oksunny · 20/01/2020 20:07

@OnlyFoolsnMothers yes, completely fine with this. I know how much she’d hate to go into a home so I would be happy to help if it was ever needed. I know my mum couldn’t/wouldn’t be able to, I think that’s why she’s given a blessing on this idea 😂

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 20/01/2020 20:10

I think it sounds a good idea.
but can you say to her what you say here; nan, how do you think it would be, given that I already find your comments to be a bit interfering and judgmental at times.
be calm and respectful, but try to address the issue honestly.
ask her what she thinks the downsides could be.

forestdweller11 · 20/01/2020 20:11

You have a lot of stuff to think about.
Are there any other siblings/ relatives who might expect a 'share' of any inheritance?
Expectation of care going forward?
You could end up with nothing if she needs nursing home care.
Living space separation . How would that work?
Multigenerational living.
Is she going to want to hog the TV, decide what you are eating, impose her decor, be critical of the youngsters .
Isolation, frailty
What looks doable now probably isn't so much fun in 10 years time.
If the relationship is a bit tricky now it will be made 1000* worse if she is living with you.
Does your other half agree?

Might work. Might not.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/01/2020 20:11

Well as long as you go in with your eyes open. Especially if her infirm years coincide with you having teenagers to contend with- it could put you and your husband under a lot of strain.

Theonewiththecat · 20/01/2020 20:11

My mum dad and nana bought a house together before I was born. So I grew up living with my nana, it was awesome, they had an annexe built on the side of the house for my nana but in reality it got used by family in need of somewhere to live like me and DP from my point of view as a child it worked really well. But there were points it was probably hard work, arguing over the TV, housework, me and my brother being little shits.

What would happen OP if your nan needed caring for as she got older? Would you feel able to do that, cos I dont think I could tbh.

Would family want a piece of 'her share' of the house after she passed away?

Original poster
Oksunny · 20/01/2020 20:12

The kids are also pretty wild so I imagine she would like some ‘quite space’ where she can go & be alone!

@alexdgr8 yes I need to discuss with her. Not sure how to approach it without offending. I don’t think she realises she can be like that!

OP posts:
blondiebrowneyes · 20/01/2020 20:13

I think if you can get one with an annex it would be great. Don't forget she will probably prefer to have her own space away from the hustle and bustle of the kids. I would've done it for my nan but she had no money/house to sell, and we couldn't upgrade to a bigger house so unfortunately she ended up in a care home.

adaline · 20/01/2020 20:14

No.

Think of the future. How would you cope if she needed around the clock care? What if she developed a dementia or something that required her to move into a home? You'd need to sell your home to fund her care.

How are you going to cope with the needs of teenagers and an elderly woman who probably won't be too independent?

I think it's a recipe for disaster.

Original poster
Oksunny · 20/01/2020 20:15

She has my mum & my mums brother. My mum has given her blessing & knows the ins & outs so has basically given up her inheritance along with it. (Although we had discussed her moving into the annexe when nan was no longer around & renting out her house.)

My Nan doesn’t see her son, ever. Some drama between nan & his wife 🤦🏼‍♀️... it’s up to her but I’m not sure she’d leave him anything even if we didn’t do this. Unfortunately.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 20/01/2020 20:16

Id be able to live with my grandma in an annex.

Id love to live with emily gilmore if we can choose a random grandma. I dont even care how interfering she’d be.

Original poster
Oksunny · 20/01/2020 20:17

@adaline definitely given me something to think about. I hadn’t even thought this far ahead, stupidly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oksunny · 20/01/2020 20:18

My Nan is 72, my kids are 2 & under 1. If this helps?

OP posts:
adaline · 20/01/2020 20:28

My Nan is 72, my kids are 2 & under 1. If this helps?

So when your kids are teenagers and going through GCSE's, you're also going to have the needs of an 85 year old to consider.

At 85, my grandad was nearly incontinent and needed daily carers to come in to help clean him, wash him, remind him to take his medications and dress him. He only managed to stay in his home for as long as he did because he had a good support network of retired friends and neighbours who could help him.

He eventually developed dementia and had to move into a home for his own safety and wellbeing. He was becoming aggressive (verbally and physically) and it just wasn't safe for him to stay home anymore.

Could you realistically provide that kind of 24/7 support? And would it be fair on your teenagers to have your time taken up with that kind of care? It wouldn't just be things like hospital appointments and getting the groceries - 24/7 care is bloody hard work.

Ponoka7 · 20/01/2020 20:31

You say you'd be happy to help with care needs does that include pad changes etc?

If she was assessed for care needs, it could mean that you'd have to pay towards them and have carers etc coming into your home. Also adaptations, arrangement of furniture etc, all with teenagers.

Do they enjoy Christmas etc in the same way that you do? Would they object to noise etc?

I doubt she'd not involve herself when you and your children are having disagreements and that will cause blow ups.

How is she on the 'modern way of life' and women's rights etc? Is she upto date on things?

Personally I wouldn't want to have to run my home to suit an 75+ year old. I say that as someone who worked in elderly care and provided care to relatives.

You do need to think ahead.

Lollypop701 · 20/01/2020 20:33

In next 10 years time or so your nan is probably going to need constant care... maybe a little or a lot. Help dressing, going to the loo, showering. She might not be able to cook, so you will need to provide 3 meals a day. This means no holidays, nights out unless your mum has to come and keep an eye on her. But your mum is aging too, so might not be able to, or not for a 2 week holiday. Or a care home and I don’t know how that would work financially. extended family won’t getting an inheritance so 99% of the work is yours. You’ve effectively been paid for it. She could live a very long time op, or be gone in 5 years and be well till the end. I’m not saying don’t do it, but think it through

raspberryk · 20/01/2020 20:35

I would have with 1 set of grandparents but not with the other.

littlepaddypaws · 20/01/2020 20:38

sorry but i couldn't, it would be like having a visitor that pops in as and when they want to, privacy ? um, might have to forget that. dc playing up ? all that noise, need to sort something out with dh that may get heated ? walls have ears.
when she becomes older and possibly infirm you will be a carer, no wonder your mum likes the idea, it gets her 'off the hook' as nan is living with you love, so much easier for you to do the bulk of the care. then there will be your own mum to care for as she gets older.
rather you than me tbh.

littlepaddypaws · 20/01/2020 20:42

why can't your dm care for her mum ?
also contributing financially to the house could be a mine field, who owns it ? care costs in the future, would the house have to be sold ?

MrHaroldFry · 20/01/2020 20:54

A firm no from me.
You are not thinking of (or maybe not fully aware of) the challenges of elder care. It's bloody hard work, even if you truly love them. You may be caring for someone who is incontinent, or needs a lot of ferrying to/from hospital appointments. They may have dementia or worse.

If you were single and childless I might say go for it, as you only have yourself to consider. But you two smallies, Wong be that young for that long.,,,

WildfirePonie · 20/01/2020 21:29

If you do this then put the house in your name so you have security.

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