Would you move in with a grandparent?

[Oksunny]

My Nan is lonely. It’s me DP & our two young kids. She wants us to all put our money in & buy a house together (we’re currently renting but have a sizeable deposit from inheritance so have been looking to buy.)

My Nan is totally lovely & obviously lonely, she’s also said that the house would be left to us if anything happened to her. But she can be a little interfering & judgemental at times. I’m not sure If I could reign that in a bit if we agree to go ahead.

So would you live with a grandparent, or is it a recipe for disaster?

72 is still young. How is your nan's health?
My parents are 84 and 89 separated and both still live independently and no big health problems.
As long as you get legal advice and have definite rules that you all agree too then this could work. It takes patience and kindness on all sides.

Think very carefully especially about caring for her if that need arises. I am in a Facebook group with people caring for elderly parents etc. It's not for the fainthearted. If she gets dementia and the behaviours around that. Incontinence is also a big issue. Some of the stories people have written about their LO messing the bathroom leaving a trail of shit everywhere. A lot of them have parents who refuse to take a shower or bath just to mention a few things. It could also take a toll on your marriage and the relationship with your kids.

I wouldn’t. It will be life changing for your family. You and your DH and your DC won’t be able to do what you want in your own house. And it will be getting worse and more restrictive with years.
Buy your own house however small and enjoy it. In a few years time your DC will be older and your Nan would be able to spend more time with them, take them to the places, do baking with them, teach them gardening, or whatever she likes to do. So she will be more involved with your family but you both will still maintain your independence. You both will be able to control how closely you are involved. And you will have natural breaks from each other.

No.

I don’t think I could be a carer for a relative, which would likely happen. I would have considered my maternal grandparents but not my paternal ones. But they died before I was an adult so I don’t know why I’m answering really!

You’ll definitely end up picking up the bulk of the care work. Some rather incredible people take this on willingly but I couldn’t do it. It’s not true that you’ll have to sell your home if your Nan goes into care, however. Homes only have to be sold if no other family members live there.

I think the situation at the moment sounds OKish- minus the her being 'interfering' aspect HOWEVER she could develop Dementia and honestly having looked after a family member through the violence; double incontinence; hallucinations and sleepless nights that Dementia involves I would strongly advise against it.

I would. But I would also absolutely let an elderly parent or grandparent move in with me as much as I could!

It would be worth getting advice on the implications for inheritance tax, especially if she is gifting you money from the sale of her home.. If she gives you money towards the house, this can also be seen as trying to avoid care home fees, and would have serious implications if she needs residential care. And she may be estranged from your uncle, but I expect he will magically appear when she dies. You need legal advice first.

when I was growing up, teenage friend lived with parents and grandmother in a house mainly financed be the GM - no annexe/granny flat. Was a disaster, lots of arguments, although friends Mum was quite spikey.
As an adult, I knew a friend of a friend in similar arrangement - but with a separate granny flat, The daughter equally as spikey as my friends' mum. It had its ups and downs, but generally worked a lot better. GM died at home aged 98; your Mum might have a long wait!

Does she live near you now?

I think it could be a recipe for disaster but I had to laugh at 'How is she on the 'modern way of life' and women's rights etc'. She's 72 not 92, it was that generation of second wave feminists (born in the 40s) that you have to thank for many of your current rights as a woman! The gran is no more or less likely to be a feminist by virtue of her age than you are.

If she’s already interfering, she will get worse. She’ll be in every decision you need to make.
I live with a grandparent. I love her dearly but she does my head in!! I’ve told her the things she does that annoy me, and she continues. She’s 78 and set in her ways. I honestly don’t recommend it. That’s just my opinion, without the potential caring/care home fees/inheritance tax issues etc.

I probably would. My nan is 90 and extremely independent. She has Parkinsons (although she doesn't know) and skin cancer, but she lives alone in a two storey house and needs no care. I lived with her on and off throughout my teenage years and we rub along together pretty well. I could care for her but only because I cared for DH when he was end of life, I don't think 3 years ago I would have been able to do it. I like that we argue mildly about her Brexity ways and politics, because we never fall out, just agree to disagree.

Of course every family is different so what would work for me may not work for you.

However you feel about it, I think your DP should have the right to veto, and you should respect that decision.

you certainly need to get good legal advice.
if she needed to pay care home fees, the local authority could come after the value of the house, or part of it, if they deemed its purchase was an attempt at alienation of assets. there is no time limit on them doing this. it is quite separate from anything to do with IHT, which also might have implications.
the person who said a house cannot be sold for care fees if family are living in it, it can be, if it is deemed to be the asset of the client needing care. the local authority may agree to a deferment of payment, usually until the client dies and then the house must be sold to liquidise assets to pay the fees in arrears.
not trying to put you off. it can be done. but needs full knowledge. and I think you need to discuss her behaviour honestly with her, else it could build up to greater resentment, leading to all sorts of complications. if you cannot speak openly, how can you live together.

Sorry, but I think this has disaster written all over it! You say that you find your Nan interfering at times: do you honestly think this is going to change when you are under the same roof? If anything, she is going to feel more inclined to speak out. Are you going to be able to handle her disciplining your children? Because I can see that happening once you are living together, too. And just because you build an annex doesn’t mean she will use it – – – if she is proposing this idea because she is lonely, she is going to want company. That means she will be in your part of the house too ... eating with you, watching TV with you, etc. You seem to be coming at this from her point of view, and of course it is a complete win for her. But what about your family? How will your husband feel when things aren’t going to well? Will he be okay with having your Nan sitting with you all each night? And what about your children? How are they going to feel with grandma hanging around, looking over their shoulders when they’re doing homework, asking them what they are doing, criticising their choice of TV programmes, telling them they are being too loud… it won’t only be you she is judgemental and interfering with. I’m not sure I would want that sort of person around my children 24 hours a day. As grandma gets older, you are going to be the one left to look after her. If she has said you will be inheriting the house,You really can expect no help from others. I don’t wish to be mean spirited, but I think your mum is on board with this because it has basically taken the burden from her. I think in situations like this, a lot of the time people think ‘I can help my relative, and I will get the house, which will benefit my family’. But you have to think of what it is going to take to get there (so to speak) and what is going to be needed. There is a chance grandma will think that you are at her beck and call: after all, she is giving you ‘her house’.

Currently, when an elderly person dies, the cost of their care is frequently recouped by the government from the sale of their house.

You’ll need to be very careful here about how you proceed. It may be better if the house is only in you and your DP’s names.

Buy a house with a granny annexe , or build one in the garden. When the time comes and she passes on, you'll have a teenager's annexe. Everyone wins !

If you can create an annexe or separate living space so there are physical boundaries to reinforce the personal ones it could be amazing. I grew up with my DGs living downstairs in the same house and we loved it. We'd go straight to them after school and it meant we had a very close relationship and knew each other well, a relationship my own DCs will sadly not have the chance to enjoy in their own lives.

Only if the house is in your name and you have an annex

Disaster in the making. As a kid my granny was my whole world and we had a very close relationship. Then mum went into hospital for a complicated operation that needed her to be bedridden for months, so I went to stay with granny and grandad. Lovely having grandparents for regular visits, but combining two ways of life was challenging and we had lots of arguments - and that was me as a child without any input in the daily running of the house. I'm sure you have your own way of when laundry gets done, washing up, what groceries are bought, how clean the place is, what the kids bedtime is, what they are allowed to do depending on age.. will your nan agree with all of those things or will it be lots of little niggly confrontations (or downright big ones) when adapting to two different ways of doing things? And being your nan, who you love, chances are you will start by deferrring to her preferences.. which makes it harder to change things back to how you want them to go. Annexe or similar, so you can live together-but-separate would work best, otherwise be very cautious.

I quite like being on my own. When DM stayed for a while she assumed I'd be happy to take her along with me to the shops and any other outing she could manage (in wheelchair). This stressed me a lot because I hate shopping, so normally race round at a rate of knots, or don't go and live on what is in the freezer whereas for her that was a nice little trip out so done at a leisurely pace and as often as possible as it got her out of the house.
She relied on me totally for entertainment (ie shopping trips) as now she was at mine it didn't matter so much that she didn't see her friends (many had died by now) so I was her life socially at least.
I felt guilty if I didn't take her somewhere each day (what she wanted) but really my life sort of petered out. I was also on my own. Perhaps with others around your DM might happily sit at home and watch tv.

I would say it depends on your temperament - if giving up of your time and privacy in a big way does not bother you as you are close to DGM possibly yes. But otherwise no unless DH and DCs muck in and spend time with her too.

My DM was much older btw.
Does DGM she have no friends or social life as she is relatively young!

I’ve got 4 Aunties and Uncles and a gran all in late 80s to mid 90s all live independently, no dementia etc, only one needs care with weak legs. Multi generation house are common in many households around the world.

Saying that it’s a big commitment but something I’d consider if I was in the same position.

I currently have an elderly relative living with me. The caring part is not very much , but it is the social part is my worst issue. I really thought she would be just grateful and happy to be part of my household. But it is not like that for her . She was used to living independently and it is hard for her to give up control. So she starts to suggest what to have for dinner , plays her radio very loud because she is a bit deaf , talks a lot about people I don't know or care about ! It took quite a while for us to negotiate a peace and there were a few tears. But I am still glad I doing this.

I think if everyone has their own space , it could work . Not just a bedroom though . It would need to be really like a self contained flat , so a seperate bathroom , kitchen area and a sitting area. Is she still actively involved with other people ? Or why is she lonely ? Can she drive or will you have to take her everywhere ? Will your mother visit regularly?
So a lot to think about.