Friends with benefits will never work?

[garlicnchilli]

Two people get on well
Fancy each other,laugh and get on great.
One person has said they don't want a relationship and it will never go any further.
The other says ok that's fine but secretly hopes they will change their mind.
They sleep together,chat daily.
The other person sleeps with lots of people but the one with feelings doesn't even speak to anyone else.
This is a recipe for heartbreak isn't it?

Wondering why I'm not good enough for him to be with.

Why would he get into a relationship with you if he can have all the benefits of a relationship but sleep with other people too.

Look you need to get rid of him. No friends no benefits no texting no nothing. This will acheive one or two things
1 it will show him what he is missing and give him a chance to reassess so he might actually start a relationship with you.
2 it will give you time to get over him and move on to someone new.

By all means tell him you are ditching him because you want a relationship with him and dont want him shagging other people. But be firm on this.

But the fact he now knows you have means if he was a decent guy hed be taking a step back. He must know that it's not fair.

If my FWB suddenly told me he had feelings and wanted more that would be the end of our arrangement.

@garlicnchilli
My heart goes out to you - it really does
But you come across as bright and intelligent - it's him
That's not good enough for you!
Please be strong
I went cold turkey-
Blocked on phone and what's app
Blocked on social media
Kept busy- ( cleaning - house never looked so cleaned) 😂
And from that day on never spoke to him again - it was actually easier than I thought 😘

Ugh saw your last post. He sounds like a prize tit. Just ditch. What b.s. about not getting feelings more likely has no feelings and just wants to get laid.

How gutted would you be to find out hes also having date like relationships with other women? Bet he isnt just boyfriendy with you.

I tried to stop seeing mine and felt okay at first but when it actually sunk in that there was a good possibility I would never see him again, I became really depressed and missed him so much. It just got worse too, as the longer it went on the more certain I was it was over and I had no way of contacting him. Anyway he came to see me after a few months and said he had missed me too. I know he has been with other women and even had a short relationship. I has absolutely no interest in trying to meet anyone else either as they wouldn't have been him.

Had

It's really shit that he doesn't want the same but you can't force people can you.

You don't have to sleep with them either.

You want a relationship,he doesn't, this is doomed in whatever form .
You're living half a life/half a relationship.

You say why doesn't he think you're good enough... why don't you think you're good enough? Because you deserve better...

I thought If I played it cool and pretended I was ok with it then eventually he might want to be exclusive.

This doesn’t make sense, playing it cool reinforces your acceptance of the situation

He’s been honest with you, you’ll have to stop seeing him if it’s affecting your mental health to this extent, he’s not going to change

If you've told him how you feel and he's not interested then you need to end it because you want different things and it will destroy you. He is not being nice at all continuing the relationship.

FWB can work with additional dating stuff, I had a FWB arrangement decades ago before I met DH. At the time we spent so much time together his Mum thought we were dating. But we both had reasons why we didn't want to have a relationship with each other so there was no falling in love but we had a fun few months together the summer after we graduated before we headed in different directions.

This kind of situation is very common. I had one like this for 3 years, he would accept nudes from me and send them to me too but didn't want to meet up often. Slept with him about 5 times in total and each time he said afterwards that it was a mistake.
I had such low self esteem to keep chasing after this guy, hoping that one day he would 'realise' he had feelings and we would be together. My therapist told me she thought he had feelings but I don't think he ever did.
Anyway removing that situation from my life was the best thing I could have done.
Him not wanting a relationship with you is no reflection of you as a person, it really isn't.
As long as you like yourself the way you are, that's what matters, never change yourself to think that you will be more attractive to some guy.

Wondering why I'm not good enough for him to be with

OK, sorry if this sounds harsh but -

Buck the fuck up, OP. Self pitying wallowing about "but why aren't I good enough for him?" is just, well, self pitying wallowing. This isn't a question of you being "good enough" for him - the more relevant question is why this is good enough for you?

He has been very clear with you, now it's time to be equally clear with yourself. He likes having sex and the girlfriend experience with you, but isn't interested in anything more. He'd probably rather you didn't sleep with anyone else, but that's mostly ego, plus wanting you to be available to him when it suits him.

Don't pretend that this is "confusing" - it really isn't. His behaviour is utterly consistent with someone who just wants FWB - including fun chats, cuddles, films and takeaways in bed. He doesn't hide from you that he's seeing other people, he is upfront that he doesn't see this going anywhere, but he enjoys your attention and it makes him feel good.

Yeah I've told him many times.
I don't think he wants a relationship with anybody.
I need to stop wallowing and taking every text as a meaning he secretly has feelings for me.

You've posted about this multiple times before haven't you? And every thread goes the same way.

he will never love you or want you the way you do him. But I'm not sure you are listening unfortunately.

OP you post quite often about him.

The thing is FWB does include dinner for some people. Or hanging out. They just want it to be clear, that it's not going to be a serious relationship. They want long term, casual dating.

There was a post here once about Fwb. Everyone's was slightly different. Some were fuck buddies, some were long term friends that they very occasionally slept with. So they had dinner, hung out, sometimes had sex and sometimes didnt.

The successful ones were where everyone was in the same page. This man, has been clear. It's never going to go anywhere. Fwb can be whatever people want it to be. They can hang out but it doesnt mean they must be heading to a serious relationship.

This man can not be clearer. But the OP reads so much into everything. She can choose to not go on dates, not hang out have no contact at all.

Except she is still hanging on. Just incase.

It's nothing to do with how good she is. He doesnt want to be committed to anyone.

The other person sleeps with lots of people

That is vile.

How can you

A) think he likes or respects you

B) want to sleep with him knowing he is doing that

I've had a FWB for over five years now. You do have to be singing off the same hymn sheet though. I did develop quite strong feelings at the outset but I was very scarred from a horrible divorce and I think it was more to do with that. Things have settled down. He lives alone and likes his own space/company. I live with my DS who is only 8 and has autism so I also prefer my own space. We see eachother every couple of weeks just for great sex and a lovely lunch and maybe a nice country walk. It's my one luxurious escape. He does occasionally come over to me and my DS knows he's my "friend" and likes him very much. We don't do overnights. In my view, having a FWB is not sleeping with loads of other people. Aside from that being unsafe from a health point of view, it is also very hurtful if one party is more invested than the other, which seems to be the case with you.

I don't think this is for you. I see a FWB as a relationship without the life admin. If either of us met somebody who was likely to become a relationship then we would stop. I think for you your FWB is not invested enough to make this work and your feeling are getting in the way. Wouldn't it be better for you to find somebody who can give you the sort of relationship you need? Good luck OP!

I was expecting a thread about a friend on benefits who refuses to work!

Me too, I'd even gone and got the 🍿 ready for a good read

Op go easy on yourself.

But try your best to just do the following: block (on every app as well as messenger), delete and then give yourself a whole to grieve . After that make a list of what you want from a relationship and go forward and don't stop dating and dumping till you get it. X

While *

FWB does not work for everyone. It sounds like you want a relationship but it’s ok that he doesn’t and he’s never pretended otherwise. I would never go for meals with a FWB as it blurs the boundaries. I mostly stick to arrangements to have sex and brief chats as the liaisons are usually underpinned by a friendship. He should end it with you to be fair as you have admitted you have feelings and want more. You need to find someone who wants what you want.

You both want different things from the set up, neither of you are in the wrong and neither of you have lied or spun the other a yarn.

Walk away if it’s eating you up OP. You can’t put a square peg in a round hole

You need to walk away from him now. Block his number and slowly move on.

There’s no blame game but stop allowing yourself to be hurt by him (even if he is not intentionally trying to hurt you - the end result is you are hurt).

don’t be friends, you can’t as you have feelings, so go cold turkey. Your future self will thank you.

Are you repeating a pattern OP. The 'good enough' comment stood out. Sometimes if you only go for people not interested, it goes back to having a parent that neglected you or gave you feelings they held you in contempt. The template is then set for you to be attracted to similar uncaring people & try & 'prove' to you are 'good enough'.

You're literally tossing a coin with your life. Maybe its even less then 50:50 since he's warned you nothing will come of it.

Be kind to yourself, expect more for your life, No FWB, Married men etc listen to these people, walk away.

You've told him how you feel. And he still carries on having sex with you, and tells you about a dancer he shagged the night before? He is just not that into you.
To him, it's sex. If he had a modicum of decency, he would have stopped this "FWB" situation once you moved the goalposts by telling him you wanted more.

Please read "He's just not that into you". You may find it helps the scales fall from your eyes where he is concerned.