Friends with benefits will never work?

[garlicnchilli]

Two people get on well
Fancy each other,laugh and get on great.
One person has said they don't want a relationship and it will never go any further.
The other says ok that's fine but secretly hopes they will change their mind.
They sleep together,chat daily.
The other person sleeps with lots of people but the one with feelings doesn't even speak to anyone else.
This is a recipe for heartbreak isn't it?

Well I married my FWB but in this scenario I'd say "recipe for disaster/heartbreak"

Yes. And they should get tested regularly.

Fwb can work. But not like this.

This is your own situation i'm guessing ? I agree, unless neither party has feelings, it's not going to be easy sadly.
It's not 'needy' or whatever to want a relationship and to want more, it really isn't. I hope you will be able to walk away from it and meet someone who wants commitment.

Afraid so 😔

Isn't a FWB mutually exclusive though so they wouldn't be sleeping with multiple partners i had. FWB a few years ago on the understanding that we both still had sexual needs but no desire for a relationship or any feelings towards each other but we didn't want to have one night stands and risk diseases etc....
I don't think what you described is a FWB

I'll hazard a guess that you are the one with the feelings @garlicnchilli

Nope, nerve going to work I'm afraid.

The other says ok that's fine but secretly hopes they will change their mind

This is why it won’t work. FWB work if both parties are on the same page.

Was in this scenario twice in my younger years, and got badly burned, recipe for disaster i'm afraid garlicnchilli

I’ve been the “happy with FWB” person in this scenario when v young. Took me ages to realise that when I said it would never turn into a relationship, he didn’t believe me. I felt v stupid and guilty even though I had been up front, because he was essentially crazy and unable to accept the truth. IMO the “non relationship” partner has a responsibility to end it if they realise the other person is v into them and would like a relationship.

You need to walk away from this relationship, to protect yourself from further hurt. It's never going to turn into anything significant. You don't mean anything to him other than someone available for sex. Be kind to yourself and end it. Don't hang on, hoping he will change his mind, he won't. Don't settle for second best unless that's what you actually want.

Isn't a FWB mutually exclusive though

Nope, not at a matter of course. Of course, you can mutually agree to that, which it sounds like you did. But I would say that it's more usual to not expect exclusivity - I would definitely assume that both parties were free to sleep with other people unless explicitly discussed and agreed.

I don't think what you described is a FWB

It is.

I fwb someone and then got a text from him on night out saying ‘be good.. don’t be pulling all the guys’ put me right off, I think he caught the feels but couldn’t be sure. Ended it anyway.
Fwb my now partner and when he said something that he wanted to take it further, I did tell him I wasn’t ready yet but it did feel nice. And that’s the difference isn’t it! So hard to tell in these situations but I think if the person is saying genuinely and often that they don’t want more then I would believe them and back away if I caught the feels. Save yourself

Yes it's me with the feelings.
We go out on dates too which makes thinks even more confusing.
We had a date on Friday night (or maybe it wasn't ) we went for food and drinks then obviously slept together.
The next day he stayed till 4pm,we stayed in bed watched films and ordered a takeaway lunch. Then he text me all the night.
Next night he went out,still text me then told me the Sunday he slept with a dancer from the nightclub.
I got a bit upset,he said "are you mad?"
I said "well a bit,I thought we had a good night Friday"
He said he did but I know what he is like.

Ok op he sounds like a fucken tool playing with your feelings tbh. I would have never ever treat someone like that even when I didn’t have the feels. Shocking!! He’s clearly getting off on you being mad/jealous!

Op - you are in a relationship with someone who is not in a relationship

Free yourself

HE
WILL
NOT
CHANGE
HIS
MIND

I've tried to keep a handle on my jealousy.
I thought If I played it cool and pretended I was ok with it then eventually he might want to be exclusive.
It's breaking my heart and my self esteem is in bits.
Every time I hear he has slept with someone or is texting someone I get so upset.

He really won’t. I’m so sorry. He is being honest with you - it’s your responsibility to yourself to believe him.

I thought If I played it cool and pretended I was ok with it then eventually he might want to be exclusive

You’re being very unfair to him in this.

Every time I hear he has slept with someone or is texting someone I get so upset

He isn’t treating you like a friend. He is doing nothing wrong by seeing other people but it is very disrespectful to tell you about it.

This won’t end well - finish it and work out what you want.

There'll always be one of who wants more than the other. Disaster.

FWB only works if you are both in it for a shag and nothing more.

Otherwise someone will get hurt.

I had a FWB, wouldn’t have wanted to go out him as he was a bloody idiot. Good for a late night shag though 🤷‍♀️

Hi op I've been you and best advice is to stop it not before more feelings develop...theres nothing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you but is happy to give you every bit of hope but yet break your heart,

Find someone who wants the same relationship as you and be treated how you deserve to be.

Cut contact, he has zero respect for you. You are a convenient shag - nothing more than that.

Apologies on sounding harsh. If you cut contact he may realise he wants more.

You honestly need to stop sleeping with him. He's just using you for sex and some of the comfy relationship stuff (watching tv, having takeaways etc) without needing to give any commitment. Fine if that's all you want but clearly it isn't.

Just read your update OP, I wouldn’t say FWB go for dinners, hang around each other’s houses all day. That’s why it has got blurred for you.

It should be purely a shag then they/you bugger off home 😂