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Original poster

Friends with benefits will never work?

100 replies

garlicnchilli · 20/01/2020 18:18

Two people get on well
Fancy each other,laugh and get on great.
One person has said they don't want a relationship and it will never go any further.
The other says ok that's fine but secretly hopes they will change their mind.
They sleep together,chat daily.
The other person sleeps with lots of people but the one with feelings doesn't even speak to anyone else.
This is a recipe for heartbreak isn't it?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 20/01/2020 19:55

There'll always be one of who wants more than the other

No not always

We go out on dates too which makes thinks even more confusing

What you're describing isn't a FWB set up
You're basically dating someone who wants to have his cake & eat it.

We had a date on Friday night (or maybe it wasn't ) we went for food and drinks then obviously slept together.
The next day he stayed till 4pm,we stayed in bed watched films and ordered a takeaway lunch. Then he text me all the night

That's dating. Hes playing you. Walk away

Diditmyway · 20/01/2020 19:55

What if both people realise a serious relationship would not work, but still have feelings and can't stop seeing each other?

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 19:57

What if both people realise a serious relationship would not work, but still have feelings and can't stop seeing each other?

Much like anything to do with relationships, if this is agreed and consensual between both parties then there’s no issues.

MyuMe · 20/01/2020 19:59

I have an occasional FWB.

We dated a few times and didn't continue. We very occasionally go for dinner and drinks and sleep together.

It works because I don't have feelings for him. I can take him or leave him but I like him as a person and obvs find him attractive or I couldn't sleep with him.

It doesn't work if one wants more.w

Original poster
garlicnchilli · 20/01/2020 19:59

It's all just got confusing for my brain to handle.
He text me all Xmas day then rang me on the night.
He invited me to his brothers show (he was playing a part in a pantomime )
Last time I went out on a night out,he kept saying "bet you pull tonight" "I have a feeling you will"
I assumed he was a bit jealous.

OP posts:
Diditmyway · 20/01/2020 20:02

@Jacqueshammer But its stopping them meeting other people? And has been going on for years and tried to end it a few times.

Diditmyway · 20/01/2020 20:03

@garlicnchilli Yes really messes with your head and he does sound jealous.

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 20:04

But its stopping them meeting other people? And has been going on for years and tried to end it a few times

They either want to meet other people or they don’t. Of course they can stop seeing each other, they’re choosing not to. Fine if they’re happy, not fine if one/both parties aren’t.

Straycatstrut · 20/01/2020 20:17

This is so unhealthy OP - mentally and physically it's all really dirty and messy. Would you want this for your daughter? Your son? Your mum? It's not fair on you.

It'll rip your heart out but you need to let him go now. I've been there when I was 19/20 and strung along, I was perfect for him.... until something better came along.

All these feelings you have for him are wasted and he doesn't care. Get a new focus, something else big and exciting, and pour yourself into that instead.

Redglitter · 20/01/2020 20:24

Last time I went out on a night out,he kept saying "bet you pull tonight" "I have a feeling you will"
I assumed he was a bit jealous

No I dont think he was jealous I think he was reinforcing you and he are not exclusive and saying hes got no problem with you meeting & sleeping with someone else - because he does

Pamspeople · 20/01/2020 20:26

This situation is really bad for your mental health, whatever name you give it. You are being used by someone when it suits them, and it could keep you stuck for years, increasingly wondering what is wrong with you that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Get out now before your self esteem is completely destroyed. Seriously.

Pamspeople · 20/01/2020 20:31

Also, don't think that because he texts you loads it means he wants a relationship. The fact that sometimes he's really chatty is easily outweighed by the fact that he sleeps with other women! We can make huge mistakes by assuming that messaging and chat means more than it does.

Original poster
garlicnchilli · 20/01/2020 20:31

@Pamspeople that is exactly how I feel.
Wondering why I'm not good enough for him to be with.

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 20/01/2020 20:35

And it will get far, far worse if you continue to see him. Please, for the sake of future you, end this now. He's a selfish git, he knows you have feelings for him, he's not stupid, but i'm afraid it suits him to have several fuck buddies. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU, but he doesn't want an exclusive relationship with you. Very simply, if you want an exclusive relationship, this isn't your guy.

WestCountryLady · 20/01/2020 20:37

Would you really want a relationship with him after he's kept his options open?

He only wants one thing and he wants it from different woman.
Walk away and don't settle for this, find someone who'll fight for you and share their life with you.
If he wanted a relationship with you he wouldn't be treating you like this, he'd be chasing you and being on his best behaviour not bragging to you that's he shags around.

1Morewineplease · 20/01/2020 20:39

Sorry love, but if you were his ‘ my one and only’ he would have told you by now.
He knows that you know how you feel about him.
He’s enjoying this while playing the field.
He’s using you. You need to find your self respect, though I suspect you’ll just carry on believing.

Original poster
garlicnchilli · 20/01/2020 20:42

I know and I've told him so many times that I have feelings for him.
It's really shit that he doesn't want the same but you can't force people can you.
The annoying thing is I've never felt this way about someone for years.

OP posts:
fraggle500 · 20/01/2020 20:46

I was person B in this scenario - nearly destroyed me ended up taking antidepressants Confused however, taught me a valuable lesson - know your boundaries and self worth. Please think very carefully before you proceed Thanks

MiniTheMinx · 20/01/2020 20:47

He wants his cake and......some more
tell him to do one
honestly you are better than this

Being cool is a ticket for him to carry on just as he is
There is a small chance that if you respect yourself by asserting your own needs, boundaries and tell him its exclusive or nothing, he might.....might decide to show you more respect and stop fucking around. But I wouldn't bet on it.

Redglitter · 20/01/2020 20:50

I think the fact he knows you have feelings for him yet still does this FWB/part time dating with you says a lot about him. None of it nice. He must know hes giving you false hope.

If my FWB had thought I had feelings for him - or vice versa wed never have started our arrangement

Hes treating you appallingly. You need to call a halt to this for your own sake

Original poster
garlicnchilli · 20/01/2020 20:50

@fraggle500 I've had to restart mine (sertraline ) because I'm terrified every time he goes out incase he gets with someone (stupid because I know he is single )

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 20/01/2020 20:51

Unrequited feelings are pants, no doubt about it, painful as hell. But it happens to us all, and you have a choice - waste months or god forbid years feeling shit about yourself or end this, get on with your life and being as fabulous as you are!

If you have any sense that you are drawn to him because he makes you feel not quite good enough, look up 'relationships of deprivation' and read Deeper Dating. Interesting stuff

Pamspeople · 20/01/2020 20:52

And also read the article "Against Chill"

Original poster
garlicnchilli · 20/01/2020 20:53

@Pamspeople thankyou I will have a read of those.
I'm miserable tbh and it's not healthy

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicnchilli · 20/01/2020 20:54

@Redglitter he has said I told you not to get feelings.
He said he keeps his guard up so he doesn't get any feelings.

OP posts:
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