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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger*violence to a child, do I contact the Police?

71 replies

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 17:32

Yesterday exdp who has history of violence against me threw DD5 to the ground and pinned her down shouting in her face. She provoked with hitting and hair pulling but she is 5, he is 6 foot and strong and there are other ways to deal with tired 5 year olds being horrid.
I grabbed her out the way before anything more could happen and he stomped off ranting expletives. I messaged 'WTF' And received an expletive filled rant calling DD a cunt and that he doesn't care etc etc. He is gone from our lives now, not on birth certificate, they've never bonded and he has previous DV history with me hence my policing all contact at my house. I never however, thought he'd do this to DD, who is fine but was terrified.
Please advise me do I contact the Police, leave it and move on? My head is in a spin and I feel guilty as hell over trying to ensure they had some sort of relationship. Help me please!

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 20/01/2020 17:33

Yes. Absolutely.

Not just because he’s done an awful thing which needs reporting as a crime, but also because you’ll need a record of this should he apply to court in future.

MitziK · 20/01/2020 17:34

Of course you do. Otherwise, he'll be back at some point or doing the same to some other woman's defenceless child.

FunkyPidgeonPie · 20/01/2020 17:34

Two separate issues.

  1. I’d LTB with NC for violence against you.

In the abstract, though, to put a 5 year old who is hitting and hair pulling on the floor (assuming he hasn’t punched her to the floor?) and shout at her is entirely reasonable as she might be a danger to herself or others.

BlackeyedSusan · 20/01/2020 17:35

Police. It will be difficult, emotionally etc, but you need to do it for DD.

FunkyPidgeonPie · 20/01/2020 17:36

PS, you will be doing her a favour by having him out of her life.

walnut87 · 20/01/2020 17:36

Thee should be no doubt about this - call the police. He has physically abused a child.

Also, let her school’s safeguarding lead know so they can watch out for her in and make sure she Is being supported. You must protect her from this man.

Jimmers · 20/01/2020 17:37

Completely unacceptable behaviour by an adult to a small child. Report definitely

meow1989 · 20/01/2020 17:37

Yes police and a call to social care in case of future contact requests. You have acted to protect your child by getting him to leave. Keep the texts as evidence and once you have done above also inform dd school so they can support and be aware.

lanthanum · 20/01/2020 17:38

Definitely tell police. Lots of reasons: in case you need the backup if he tries to gain contact, to reduce the chance that he is in a position where he can do this to another child, because it may come out at school and if you haven't reported it they're going to wonder why.

Jimmers · 20/01/2020 17:38

@funkypigionpie did you miss the bit where op says he threw the child to the floor?

PumpkinP · 20/01/2020 17:39

Wow can’t believe pp defending it!! He THREW the child on the floor! Not “put” her. How can you defend that?

MrsWooster · 20/01/2020 17:39

Notify police and her school.

SinkGirl · 20/01/2020 17:39

You need to report it, to prevent him from being able to get unsupervised access in the future (I would certainly hope this would be sufficient for that). He also needs to know that you will always report any violence towards his daughter (and towards you).

Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 17:39

We are separated and he isn't on the birth certificate so he shouldn't be able to apply for access?
Sorry to be clear, he shoved her to the floor violently, it wasn't a restraint manoeuvre. The hair pulling and hitting was brutal, but she is 5 and tiny and he is tall and muscular. He could have left the house, the room, moved off the sofa, sent her to her room etc but just had a violent flip out.
I am struggling to think clearly especially as he did the same but worse to me previously so thankyou for your view points, advice and clarity.

OP posts:
Paperdolly · 20/01/2020 17:40

Report it to police. His history of violence is still writing itself by the sound of it. Please don’t have him back in the house with your children. The 5 year old will not be OK now and she will need lots of reassurance you are keeping her safe. You have a duty of care to these children.

meow1989 · 20/01/2020 17:41

OP does your exdp have a key to your house? If the police are aware of his violent history have they flagged your address for quick response if you call?

meow1989 · 20/01/2020 17:43

Also did she witness previous abusive behaviour towards you? The hitting and hair pulling sounds quite difficult (to be clear, absolutely in NO WAY advocating what he has done), perhaps dd could benefit from some.support with managing her emotions or counselling? The younger the support is put in place the better the outcome for her.

Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 17:46

Thankyou. He won't be anywhere near my house, that is absolutely game over. So tomorrow I 1. Tell school (I kept her off today as my anxiety is through the roof (she SEEMS absolutely fine but I appreciate damage will have been done). 2. Phone the Police. 3. Phone Social Services. I feel sick. They're going to think I'm a useless Mother aren't they?

OP posts:
atomicblonde30 · 20/01/2020 17:47

Report to police and they will send referral through to us at social care, you’ll most likely get a phone call from a social worker within 48/72 hours.

Informing school would be a god idea also so they can be ready and prepared for any emotional support needed on school time.

What was the hair pulling and hitting over? (If you don’t mind me asking that is!) normal between kids but not so much for a child to do to an adult etc.

IwannabeNaaz · 20/01/2020 17:47

Reported.

PettyContractor · 20/01/2020 17:47

I don't know about the throwing to the ground, assuming that's a figure of speech and he didn't toss her through the air, that leaves pinning and shouting. Pinning someone who is physically violent sounds OK to me. Shouting is never OK for me, regardless of age of the target, but I doubt the police would care about it.

The fact that he was till angry and swearing afterwards is worrying though. Makes it hard to trust that he won't do something worse next time.

lilmishap · 20/01/2020 17:48

Yes tell the police, give him a reason to think twice before he does it again to another kid.

Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 17:48

She has never witnessed any violence to me from anyone; she was in utero when he attacked me and we separated there and then and I've been single ever since and that is unlikely to change this lifetime. He has never been violent towards her though she has not taken to him and occasionally lashes out verbally and physically at him.

OP posts:
PettyContractor · 20/01/2020 17:49

I see the throwing was actually violent, in that case, that's worthy of police.

meow1989 · 20/01/2020 17:49

No, they will see that you are a mother who has taken steps (finished with dp) to protect her child.