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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger*violence to a child, do I contact the Police?

71 replies

MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 17:32

Yesterday exdp who has history of violence against me threw DD5 to the ground and pinned her down shouting in her face. She provoked with hitting and hair pulling but she is 5, he is 6 foot and strong and there are other ways to deal with tired 5 year olds being horrid.
I grabbed her out the way before anything more could happen and he stomped off ranting expletives. I messaged 'WTF' And received an expletive filled rant calling DD a cunt and that he doesn't care etc etc. He is gone from our lives now, not on birth certificate, they've never bonded and he has previous DV history with me hence my policing all contact at my house. I never however, thought he'd do this to DD, who is fine but was terrified.
Please advise me do I contact the Police, leave it and move on? My head is in a spin and I feel guilty as hell over trying to ensure they had some sort of relationship. Help me please!

OP posts:
TheBigFatMermaid · 20/01/2020 17:49

They're going to think I'm a useless Mother aren't they?

They absolutely will not think that. It happened to your DD once and you will never let it happen again. You are a great mother!

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 20/01/2020 17:50

No they will not, because you are doing 1, 2 and 3.

Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 17:51

He goads her, winds her up when she is tired or chilling out. He Carrie's on when she tells him off/to be quiet but he Carrie's on thinking he is funny (or this is a control thing?) Until she lashes out. She only sees him Sunday afternoon and wednesday for 3 hours after school.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 17:52

Thankyou kind PPs. I'm in turmoil right now. Apologies for the damn voting facility.

OP posts:
MitziK · 20/01/2020 17:52

Without that report and prosecution, he can demand contact at any time. Because if his sperm is involved, it doesn't matter what you want - he's her biological father and as such, will be able to apply to the court and most likely get contact. Contact that you are not allowed to supervise.

Your little girl, all by herself, with him. For days, even a couple of weeks, alone with him.

missfliss · 20/01/2020 17:53

No excuses for this man please ( not you OP)

Yes - call police and report so it is on record.

Good luck OP. You are 100% doing the right thing by leaving, reporting would also be in your best interests

couchparsnip · 20/01/2020 17:54

Your list is good. School should be able to help with informing the police and social services as well.

Hidingtonothing · 20/01/2020 17:54

You sound in shock OP (and no wonder), do you have anyone to talk to in real life? Yes to reporting to police, they will refer to social services but SS will pretty much just want confirmation that he has been removed from contact with DD and it's as well to have it all on record. I know you say he doesn't have PA but he could apply to be added to the birth certificate and the more evidence there is of his abuse the better protected you, and DD, will be if he pursues contact in the future. No doubt your head is completely scrambled, I'm so sorry you and DD had to go through that but you need to get some official backing now to make sure he never gets near enough to do it again. Sending an unmumsnetty hug to you both Flowers

atomicblonde30 · 20/01/2020 17:57

It’s a control thing, probably stemming from his contempt of you. Does she look like you?

Professionally speaking if this landed on my desk I wouldn’t take any other action other than an informal chat, maybe if I felt you really needed it a referral to the multi-disciplinary team who could do child led workshops and 1to1’s with your DD on how to manage her anger and stress more effectively, but only if you felt that would be beneficial to yourselves. I would recommend no further contact between them and to instruct police to handle matters, if he takes you to court for access you’d have the sign off report as evidence.

I hope you’re are doing okay, this must be bringing back traumatic memories for you. Please ensure you’re supporting and advocating for yourself as well as your DD.

Hidingtonothing · 20/01/2020 17:59

And yes, what you describe in your later post is definitely a control thing, he's letting her know her boundaries don't matter and he will do as he pleases. Not a good message for her to be absorbing, you're doing the right thing removing this man from her life.

aroundtheworldyet · 20/01/2020 17:59

And you genuinely never thought he would behave like this to her.
Anyway. Yes go to the police. The birth certificate makes fuck all difference if he wants to fight for access.
I am surprised you need AIBU for something so obvious

RuffleCrow · 20/01/2020 18:00

Definitely report asap! The longer you leave it, the more evidence deteriorates, the more chance of it becoming "your word against his". Act now, OP, or regret not doing so.

Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 18:01

Thankyou for being kind, yes I feel as though I am still in shock but keeping up a front for DD. Yes she is the spit of me. So he despises her as she looks like me?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 18:02

Thankfully I am seeing my amazing Doctor tomorrow.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 20/01/2020 18:02

How are some people saying it's fine for a 6ft man to pin a 5 year old to the floor and shout at them? How much damage can a 5 year old cause to a man. Give your heads a wobble FFS.

Yanbu OP. I hope you and your DD are ok x

RuffleCrow · 20/01/2020 18:03

He's probably messed with your head to such an extent that you're paranoid about calling the police in case he manages to turn it around and cast himself as the victim and you as the agressor. That's just Stockholm Syndrom talking OP. Ignore it and do the right thing by your dd. Otherwise you may well have to allow him unsupervised contact with her in the future which doesn't bear thinking about. Sad

Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 18:03

Thankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 18:05

He has an older son from a previous relationship and he's never harmed a hair on his head. I genuinely didn't see this coming, more fool me and the poster questioning this, you can't make me feel any worse than I already do so I hope your comment made you feel good.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 18:06

I will definitely tell school about it tomorrow and contact Police and Social Services with their guidance. Thankyou again.

OP posts:
Anyoed · 20/01/2020 18:10

The social will work with you to help keep him out of your dd life. I had an abusive drug taking ex. He would not leave so I called the police on him.they removed him and informed soical services . They have been a great help for myself and my son. We have a great life and I no I can go to them for support.should he showed up again. The main thing is you are the one to report this . That makes a massive difference.

Anyoed · 20/01/2020 18:12

By the way don't be too hard on yourself. You are doing what's right for ur Dd. You are a good mum by ensuring he can not do this again

Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 18:15

Thankyou.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrOnionsBumperRoller · 20/01/2020 18:18

His text directly after

I don't give a fuck anymore. She talks to me and treats me like shit.I won't be treated that way by a fucking kid.She's had everything this week and she's still a cunt.She either learns some respect or she takes the consequences, either way,I don't give a shit.

OP posts:
FenellaVelour · 20/01/2020 18:22

Keep the texts.

He can still apply to court, he doesn’t need to be on the birth certificate.

freeingNora · 20/01/2020 18:25

Please call them now don't wait call NCDV and get a restraining order but the police should be your first call

I'm sorry this happened is the contact court ordered I can't think what would make you think it would be ok to be in close quarters with this man