To think Facebook messenger is intrusive?

[EvelynTheCanary]

I use Facebook to keep up to date with distant family and friends updates from my home town but find the messenger app quite intrusive.

People know when I'm active and so message with an expectation that I'll get back to them right away, nothing of importance 99.9% of the time yet I feel a degree of obligation to respond otherwise i think I'll appear rude. I have one friend in particular who gets grumpy if she thinks she's being ignored.

Some of the people I know spend alot of their free time on Facebook and message most days just for a chat whereas I prefer to just browse through my newsfeed, leave a comment on some updates that interest me and then go about my business rather than exchanging small talk through the day on messenger and having my phone pinging continuously.

I'll be removing the app as personally I don't like the intrusion, I just wondered whether anybody else felt this way or is it me?

YANBU and it is a huge problem in the world today. People expect an instant response to every text, message or email. There was an article on Jeremy Vine a few weeks ago about employers banning mobiles during working hours because employees won't leave them alone, having to reply to every message etc, and a story about how a young man turned up in tears bearing flowers because his girlfriend had "been ignoring him" all day and he didn't know why !

If you don't want to buy into being available 24/7 then turn off the settings that show you are online, turn your phone off after a certain time at night. Mine is always off overnight so I don't get disturbed.

I don't check my emails after a certain time due to being self employed and wanting to switch off and if XH emails and doesn't get a response then he texts to ask if I got the email! It does my head in.

No need for people to get irritated with the thread really is there, it's not prompting you to respond unlike messenger

Why don't you just get rid of the messenger app? You don't have to have it

On my laptop, but not sure how on my phone, I can read the messages quickly and Mark As Unread again.

Turning off the Wi-Fi isn't always feasible for me as I WFM half of the week and need to be on the internet to do so unfortunately.

I'm definitely deleting the app. I was genuinely just curious as to whether anybody else got mildly annoyed with the intrusion of it or whether I'm just a moody antisocial cow.

I'm glad I'm not totally alone. It makes me feel less of a grouch!

I have it open all the time, but ignore it mostly. I've only got it open in case dd needs me urgently - but she knows that I'm not always in the house and that when I'm out I'm virtually unobtainable. If she needs me NOW she'll try messenger first but then text and then phone.

I don't give a shit whether other people want me NOW or not. They can ait until I feel like responding or am at liberty to do so. I don't know anyone who expects immediate response via messenger. If they want to talk to me right now this minute then they can phone me on the house phone. If they don't have my number it's because they have no right to my time.

Does your 'friend' who gets shitty with you answer you directly if you message over something unimportant? Try doing it in the middle of the night and then see.

But what will you use instead that is better/different?

Why not just ignore it or mute the usual suspects? You dont have to reoly straight away. I dont i can take days to reply to some people on there. Its not like a phonecall.

I'm like you OP, I don't want to be disturbed or people knowing when I'm using Facebook so I changed my settings to show as being offline all the time - however, I subsequently found that you have to do that on all the devices you use to access Facebook (laptop, phone, iPad). I also switch off all in-app sounds.

Subsequently I find that Facebook make updates and the sounds are back (which is immediately noticeable) and I presume some other updates have made me visible again on Messenger (not so immediately noticeable).

I now have an occasional check of all devices to ensure that I'm staying invisible.

It shows offline when change settings but if they scroll thro fb and you've replied to a status or written a status then the green dot. Still shows. I have mine as off but dh can tell when I'm on there and visa Versa.

The friend who gets grumpy if she doesn't get a response tends to post subliminal quotes about fake friends and people being rude - when she doesn't get a timely response or a response at all. No idea if they are all directed toward me or multiple people but when I see it it just pisses me off. Sadly she has mental health problems so I don't want to cut her off completely as I know she would take it badly, as she would if I were to address her about it.

Another friend I have is a photographer and likes to send me photos of his work and ask for my opinion, he's also a very chatty person and will send random links to videos asking me to watch them or telling me about his day or something he's planning to do. He isn't deterred by my untimely replies but by the time I do get around to replying there are a ton of things to reply to.

Maybe it's a friend problem above a messenger problem, but messenger does give high maintenance people the platform to have these expectations so it certainly doesn't help matters me thinks.

I got rid of Facebook but kept messenger to speak to my parents and grand parents. I just ingore people who want to talk pointlessly all day 😂 they eventually got the message when it took me a month to reply. Does my head in, hate small talk!

You have to turn off active status in Facebook as well as in messenger or you will show as active even if you are only on Facebook - if that makes sense.
If you turn off active in Facebook you will not show active on messenger unless you actually have messenger open.
I have active on on messenger but off on Facebook so I can browse Facebook without being pestered on messenger but when I do go on messenger then I show as active on there.
That might help.

It's really intrusive. Getting rid of those stupid chatheads nearly finished me off.

Absolutely agree.
I had WhatsApp for about five minutes, before I realised that there's no way of selecting who's connected to you via that platform. I have numbers I need - my plumber, the accompanist my kids use for music exams, work colleagues I might very occasionally need to contact outside of office hours - but I don't want to read their status updates. Even if they can't see mine I still find it a bit of an information overload. And the idea of people reading all sorts into the fact that I've read a message but not responded yet...no thanks. On balance, I think I'm in favour of bringing back carrier pigeons.

I dont know a single person that uses fb messenger anymore. In fact I hardly know anyone who uses facebook. Is whatsapp only on apple or can you get it on android?

Remember that Messenger is an embedded part of Facebook, so whenever you're on a facebook page it'll show you as online. Deleting the Messenger app won't affect that.

I'd keep Messenger but get off Facebook, myself. In fact, I have.

I have an android and I do have WhatsApp, I don't have the same problem on there because the people who message continuously and pointlessly have chosen fbk messenger as their preferred method of contact.

A good point raised about the vulnerability of WhatsApp though. I don't particularly want my decorator or other people I barely know but need the numbers of, seeing my updates and pictures. My landlord makes contact through WhatsApp RE home improvements we are having done and I don't think he's very interested in my hobbies and photos either.

I'm an introvert so I would also vote for bringing back carrier pigeons

Ah that explains why people are able to see I'm online despite setting the active status to "off" on messenger then. Balls

It does bring out stalkerish tendencies in some people.

I treat it the same as email - it's a convenient way to send messages, which I'll reply to when convenient to me, generally at 2 or 3 points in the day. Sometimes I'll 'chat' if we're both there and that happens.

I think I'm shown as 'online' most of the time, so I view that as meaningless.

Yes! I'm glad I'm not the only one to feel like this. I don't like how it shows that you have read (and ignored) a message as there's the expectation that you have to reply immediately. I also don't like how it makes me accessible to pretty much anyone. I don't give my phone number out to many people, messenger allows random people to contact me whether I like it or not.

Just don't respond! I don't lol. I've very few friends on FB though. They're people I would actually want to talk to.

I get you completely OP. I have the same problem with WhatsApp. You can’t switch off the notification that says your “online”, and I’m not referring to your ‘status’ before anyone comes on to say you can switch notifications off. Certain family members getting really annoyed that they can see you online but you haven’t answered your phone/replied etc constant expectation of an immediate response, for you to be checking your phone for their messages, some people just don’t have a life aside from their phone.

Just take it off your phone if its getting annoying. Your not obliged to have anything on there and if people aren't respecting your space just get rid of it.
I know you can just ignore messages but I'm like you and just the fact they're sitting there unanswered makes me feel like I'm under an obligation.

Actually what I've found really stalkerish and annoying is someone who watches to see when someone comes online, then phones them. She sees online as equalling available. Whereas I like to be able to use the internet when convenient to me, including at times when I am not available to talk.