Tell me about your worst ever date

[Whyhaveidonethis]

I'm trying (and failing) to conceive and need some cheering up, so I wondered if anyone wanted to share terrible date stories?

I'll start (although it's not exactly what happened on the date, but after); I once went on a date when I was 14 with a guy who was a couple of years older than me. He clearly adored me, to the extent that he declared that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I didn't enjoy it one bit and then he tried to kiss me, it was awful, all slobbery and wet. He spent the whole date telling me how he loved me, and then I got home and found he had sent me 12 red roses for when I got back from the date. He called me everyday after and I would get my mum to say I wasn't home.

One time I forgot and answered the phone. He asked if it was me and I answered "sorry, I'm not home right now!!" And hung up.

Northern if it makes you feel better, I once projectile vomited on a second date. My date had to throw his beer out so I could continue to throw up into it

I am normally the terrible one! I didn’t date much when I was younger, so when I did start (mid-20s) I DEFINITELY came on too strong. I really cringe about it now!

One first date that WASN’T me being the ridiculous one: a guy told me he wanted to take me to his mum’s 60th in Majorca. Next week. With his whole family. He also told me all about getting his ex pregnant three times and all about their miscarriages (I’ve suffered that myself and know it’s painful, but this date lasted less than an hour!)

I had a few dates with a tall, dark and very handsome guy. I was on the rebound from a real mess, and thought all my Christmasses had come at once until he told me that he would be happy to have me as his steady girlfriend but I needed to understand that every now and then he would go off for a month or so with another woman, and then return.
He was terribly offended when I turned that offer down.

@MidsomerMum this is the type of thing that happens to me!! For some reason men seem to think that I want a relationship with them when I'm 100% sure that I don't and that I never gave them a reason to think that I would. I have lots of platonic friends and often go out for drinks etc with them, then every so often one of them will seem to think this is a relationship!! Why do men do that.

I met a guy OLD (a very long time ago now) and when we met up, he just completely gave me the creeps. Like my instinct just kicked in and I was like no, this is not right.

I think we were going bowling but we ended up chatting a bit first and then I found a way to make my excuses and disappear.

Many years later, I worked in a social services like role involving child safeguarding. I needed to do a search of the sexual offenders registry related to a particular person who had contact with a child I was working with. I wasn’t living in the UK at the time, but I suspect this wouldn’t be possible now, certainly not with GDPR. I wasn’t sure if the person had provided his correct name, but I had his address so was able to run a search restricted to a very tight geographic area around the address. I didn’t find who I was looking for, but one of the entries that did pop up was this guy I had been on a date with.

I knew his full name and there was a photo of him. He was convicted of a rape that occurred about 4 months after we’d met. Fucking creepy as hell. Thank god I trusted my instincts.

I also once went on a date with a guy who was a very passionate vegan (I was vegetarian at the time, I think we met through a local vegetarian meet up group). On our first date, he spent a lot of time talking about how he mostly only eats organic brown rice. Like nothing else really. Okay, fine. When it came time to pay for dinner, he suddenly realised he’d “forgotten his wallet”. While I have no trouble paying for a date, I had also driven an hour to meet him.

He had the chef’s special pineapple fried rice. I suspect he just wanted a fancy special rice meal out that was more exciting than his usual fare of steamed brown rice, and I was gullible enough to fall for it.

I tried apologising, tried speaking but nothing and I'm sure it wasn't helped by the quivering of my lips every time I tried lol. OMG that video

I once went on a date with a woman who spent the evening telling me all about some guy who she really REALLY REALLY fancied and asking me for suggestions on how she could hook him.

A guy who I used to pass walking home from work, that always used to smile and say hi to me. Which then progressed to asking me out - said no as I had a BF. One day after the BF and I had split, he asked me out again and I said yes. He then stood me up - and must have found a different route home after that as I never saw him again.

A guy who wanted me to wear his ex-GF rubber and PVC fetish wear. He'd bought it - and kept it after they split because it was expensive... But it was OK because he'd cleaned it first!! I couldn't find the door quick enough.

He burped in my mouth.

He burped in my mouth.

Grim! Although that just reminded me of my one and only ONS who farted when he came. And not just a little parp - a proper buttock rippling lengthy raspberry job. It was disgusting and he thought it was funny

Reservoir Dogs. He accused me of being in a funny mood after watching it...
Dh went on a first date to see Basic Instinct. Neither knew what the film was about and were both quite innocent in the ways ofthe world.

Mine was with my husband. So I was eager to impress him and I’d lied and told him how much I loved football why I couldn’t be honest I don’t know. Anyway, he takes me to a sports bar to watch ‘the match’ where he tells me ‘order whatever you want as long as it’s under £7.50 because I’ve only got £15 in the bank’ I had a fish finger sandwich.

Then for god knows what reason, I decided to order us shots, and beer, and more shots. I threw up under the table, got asked to leave. My husband had to carry me home. I threw up down his arm, and on his shoe en route.

He slept on my sofa which is a good job because I pissed the bed. Horrific night! I was pregnant a few weeks later but absolutely not from that night!

Ug. Blind date through cousins husband. Guy picks me up and has talk show on car radio. We know absolutely nothing about each other. As I start to make conversation, he says “shhhhh I’m listening to the program”. I am silent for a few minutes then ask him just a few getting to know you questions, like what he does, etc. He sighs and answers me like a robot. Silence again. We get to the movie and watch in silence.

On the way home I again try to strike up something to stop the bloody silence! He sighs and says, “I already told you”. We arrive at my doorstep and I mutter something and fling the door open as fast as I can as he leans forward to kiss me. I run into my house with breakneck speed. Later I get a call from cousin saying X didn’t know what went wrong and he wanted to see me again😱!

I went on a date with someone I met online dating. We went to Wetherspoons as he could afford anything else. Not an issue but on the way back, walking along he thought it was funny to pull my jeans down. I think he wasn’t quite right.

We went together to an information evening, both in the same kind of job but think he is a dentist, me a dental technician, so a bit 'lesser'. Said, 'I expect most of that lecture went over your head'. Next date Macdonald's, he had a BOGOFF deal.
Reader, I married him! 20 years later, he is kind, and thoughtful but still truly bad at compliments. Day to day he's amazing, anything special he messes up, it's a standing joke in our family.

Chatting online for weeks, agreed to meet up and both knew exactly what for.
(Way back in wilder days)
He had hinted how he liked completely hair free women, me being a gargantuan fool told him that luckily for him I actually was.
Getting ready for said meeting I had a couple of wines and a tube of immac.
Left it on too long (by 15 minutes, I wanted to be sure it had worked)
One hour into the big scene and I confessed what I'd done.
He dropped me at a&e, I had chemical burns, came home in a giant nappy and literally couldn't sit down for days.
He never called for a second date.
I imagine he thinks of it as a lucky escape. 😂

I’ve not really been on a tonne but I once went on a date to an Italian restaurant, spilt red pasta sauce all down my predominantly white black and white dress and then as I was saying good bye at the end of the night, stepping into the taxi I missed and fell over spraining my ankle. 🤣 Smooth. 🤣
He ended up being the last man I ever dated actually after seeing him a few more times I just couldn’t bring myself to kiss him. I realised I had to admit to myself that I just wasn’t attracted to men.
Actually I had a Valentine’s Day date once where my boyfriend at the time invited me around for dinner and his mum cooked for us 🙈🤣 we had meatballs from a tin 😳🤣 he was about 20 at the time!

First was a guy who I'd told I didn't want more children. Anyway I meet him for a date and over lunch he takes my hand across the table. He's looking at my hand and turning it over. I ask what he's doing and he says he's working out how healthy I am from my hands...and looking for someone to have children with!!! 😳 I declined a second date.

Second one...planned to meet at 12...get a text at 10 to say he's going to be late could I make it 1.30. Fair enough. Then get another one to say he missed his train and could we make it 3pm!!! I still meet him although I am expecting to be stood up. We do the intros and go into the restaurant that he chose, sit down with the menu and he says ' I don't fancy anything here do you want to try another one?' Eh! No I'm starving this will be fine. Again I declined a second date. 🙄

I met a guy on POF, who randomly turned out I'd seen his band play twice in previous years. So that broke the ice. Anyway, as a lead singer he was very loud and acted confident. But, I'm used to being the loud one in a relationship! 🤣

He was a nice bloke, but shouted instead of talking (deaf from all his gigs?). He had a West Midlands accent that combined with the shouting made him sound rather Noddy Holder-esque.

We met in a village pub 20 miles from each of us, despite the brashness he was a laugh, but everyone was staring at us because of his booming voice and every other word being, fuck, shit, twat, wanker etc.

He suggested we go for a bite in the pub restaurant. I was 20 miles from home and thought if he ate he might calm down, so I agreed.

We sat down and he started cracking bad jokes with me and the waitress about 'chef's special sausage' etc. I was cringing.

Then while waiting for the starter, I accidentally knocked his knife and fork off the table with my hands, as I gesticulated. I apologised and quick as a flash, he responded in a chuckling (loud) voice, "Aaah, don't worry about it cuntyfuckchops!"

That term of endearment literally hung in the air like a ripe fart. The three other tables of folk dining in there went silent and all looked over at us. I was almost sliding down my chair from absolute embarrassment.

Swearing has its time and place. I swear like a sailor. The c-word doesn't bother me, but as a compliment?!?

I honestly thought I was on a hidden camera show. Surely he was an actor.

I excused myself to the loo. Rang my mate literally dying of shame and laughter. She offered the get out phone call. I declined, I was too far into this date and the mains where due. Plus I still thought I was being set up.

I went back to the table... I thought it surely can't get worse than cuntyfuckchops. Mains came out, he had a massive stacked burger, with a stick through it. To make conversation I pointed at his plate and without thinking, I said "That's massive!"

To which, he put his hands behind his head, leant back in the chair laughing and bellowing, "STOP LOOKING AT MY COCK!"

I just wanted to hide right there and then. Went crimson.

I'm still dining out on this horrendous date story over five years on.

Cuntyfuckchops 🤣🤣🤣

@gonewiththemadness I've logged that little beauty in the memory bank. 🤣

My DP and I sometimes call each other it, he found the dating story as hilarious as 'cuntyfuckchops'.

Oh and I forgot to say, cuntyfuckchops man-spread his legs when he leant back in his chair. Booming Bout his cock.

Online date. He was really nervous and my that I mean really nervous. Shook with nerves the whole time. Couldnt eat anything from nerves. I, obviously could, so he just watched me eat and then I did a runner. He offered to give me a lift but I declined it....

Not really a date, but when I was 19 my then boyfriend's dad took us to a curry house. I'd had a beer before the meal, then wine was served with the meal.

I'm not sure why but it all went to my head, I had to go to toilet, throw up, then come back and eat my curry and pretend nothing had happened .

Another one...he didn't really have a job except for living off an inheritance and looking after a property for his parents, and working as a TV extra. I asked what his most enjoyable part had been and he said going to Portugal to be an extra in a Madeliene McCann reconstruction....

And just recently, I was speed dating and was informed that he always thought that working with money was bad (me having just told him I do a job that involves money..and it's a charity FFS). I'm sure there was a logic in his head, but I'm stuck on HOW he thought this was a good thing to say.

I once took a girl out on a date who completely ignored me. I mean, sat with her back to me playing on her phone. That was after she turned up very late. Choosing where to have lunch was a chore:
"I'm hungry, what about this place"
"I'm vegetarian"
"They do jacket potatoes and things"
"No"
"OK, what sort of food do you eat?"
"McDonald's"
"What do you eat at a burger joint if you're a vegetarian who doesn't like salad?"
"Fries"
"Well there isn't one here anyway"
"KFC?"
"No, this is a small seaside town, there aren't any chains"
"Pizza Hut?"