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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking for £50 because she's being a b*tch.

103 replies

xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 16:51

Ok, Backstory. My brother and his ex have been broken up for months, but she uses their child as a weapon. she sends him texts saying ''hes looking for you and crying'', ''i'll make sure he knows you abandoned him'' etc etc. He didn't, she threw him out. I'm not taking sides because i know my brother has his faults, but she DOES use the baby as a weapon.

Anyway, for nearly two months, I have planned for my son, niece and nephew to go to a profession photo studio and have photos done of all three grandkids for my dads 50th birthday. I made sure with the other mums if a certain date was acceptable before paying £55 for the booking. They both agreed. Fast forward two months and the photoshoot is Saturday.

My brothers are now refusing to let me and my mum take the baby for the photo shoot because she's claiming she forgot (even though last week i messaged her about what he was wearing) and saying shes booked something for her and her kids to go out for the day instead.

Im fuming, to say the least but dont want to argue so simply said if she isn't going to let me take the baby, fine, but she will need to pay me back £50 I've already paid because she agreed before I paid any money because now ill have to cancel.

She's refusing, but aibu to ask for my money back off her as I'll lose it when I cancel he appointment now. But again, i made sure with her and my nieces mum before paying anything and she said it was fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 19:01

@SonjaMorgan I know there are two sides, but as I have previously said I dont get involved in their problems and she was a good friend of mine until today when she started saying my nephew couldnt come. I say in my original post that im not taking sides just because im his sister, but i see your point, thanks for commenting :)

OP posts:
diddl · 19/01/2020 19:01

"its her who has thrown a spanner in the works."

But she hasn't said it can never happen, has she?

I agree that she's playing games, but she's not the only parent!

doritosdip · 19/01/2020 19:04

Tell your brother that for £210 he can get a Child Arrangement Order so that he's not at the mercy of her good moods. He won't need a solicitor unless there's extreme circumstances like domestic violence.

Once that's sorted, he'll be able to bring the child to a photo shoot which you could give your Dad as a Christmas or half-birthday Wink gift

HaggardMumofToddler · 19/01/2020 19:04

She sound awful and it sounds like a very dysfunctional situation for her children with different fathers. I think it’s sad.

Cut your loses on this one. Make sure your brother organises proper contact- maybe they could try mediation first.

Original poster
xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 19:07

@diddl - no. but the booking is for this weekend, if we dont go, i loose the money, and would have to pay again for a new shoot. She isn't the only parent no. I agree. My brother has no problem with him going. She is the one stopping it, so yes, she is the problem here.

and for all the people saying that ''why isn't you brother doing this or that''. Short of going in to the house and taking the baby, there's not much he can do if she says no...is there? Obviously he would never do that, but you see my point.

If mum says no, what can dad do if he doesn't live in the same house and she has no problem stopping him seeing the baby until a court of law says otherwise?

OP posts:
Original poster
xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 19:08

@doritosdip thank you, i will defo pass on that advice :) x

OP posts:
Original poster
xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 19:10

Also, again this has been planned for months, I have been reminding both mums about it so they dont forget as recent as last week. So to say she forgot and instead planned something else (on a day my nephew would be with my brother anyway) is just clearly a game on her part.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 19/01/2020 19:16

Gosh she sounds awful OP.

She’s using her child as a weapon which is emotional abuse.

Why don’t you straight up ask her why she was talking about outfits on (and specify the date) and now x days later she is saying she’s forgotten?

Jellybeansincognito · 19/01/2020 19:18

Pleas ask her- she’ll get angry and vile (predictable) and you can use it against her.

Forget the antics between her and your brother. Someone needs to step in for your nephew.
He is trapped in between and it’s absolutely awful behaviour.

Original poster
xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 19:21

@Jellybeansincognito - funny enough I did. I said ''I sent you a message on (whatever date it was) and we were talking about how all the kids were red checked outfits . her reply was ''I dont remember that''. The message was literally the message above the one I sent today so it was right there in black and white, but she was still denying it x

OP posts:
SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 19/01/2020 19:22

I would have another go at her to see if she sees sense. I would email and try and be polite and say that this is nothing to do with your brother, it was to be a gift for your father. Like it or not, he is her child's grandfather and to not include her child is an insult to him, which you are not happy with. Your dad has no reason to be treated like this.
I would say if she chooses to disrespect you like this then you are taking a step back. Add that it would be a shame as you've always loved babysitting, but fairness goes both ways.

lilmishap · 19/01/2020 19:23

What has she arranged? Have you asked what it is?

Original poster
xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 19:25

@lilmishap - I asked, she wouldn't say. She just said it was a fun day out for the kids and she doesn't want to look like an idiot by ringing and cancelling one child.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 19/01/2020 19:35

Maybe you should cancel the photo shoot and go round her house unexpectedly.
I bet she’ll be in.
She’s just being bitter isn’t she.

lilmishap · 19/01/2020 19:36

A big GRRRR what a bitch! from me. Petty as it is, I'd hate that she's dicking everyone about and being so pettish.

lilmishap · 19/01/2020 19:38

@Jellybeansincognito I said that upthread, she's an arse of the highest order.

user1493494961 · 19/01/2020 19:42

See if the company will give you a credit note and rearrange when your brother has sorted out proper contact arrangements. If not, I would still go and have some lovely photos taken of your child and niece or of yourself and your Mum. It would be a shame to just lose the money.

Twillow · 19/01/2020 19:49

Ignore the money, she'll just feel satisfied if she thinks you're out of pocket - but let her know it's her child's grandfather that will be let down and that the child could easily find out about this when he's an adult.

diddl · 19/01/2020 20:19

So if your brother was supposed to be having him, why isn't he?

It's a shame she was ever involved.

Original poster
xAIBUx · 19/01/2020 20:28

@diddl - I dont know. All I know is she decided to take all the kids out. I dont think shes even considered its my brothers day.

OP posts:
diddl · 19/01/2020 20:36

I guess things are bad between them if she threw him out, but you'd think she'd be happy for her son to still be involved?

I suppose it's possible she's forgotten, but unlikely that she's booked something that would lose money & therefore couldn't be re-scheduled?

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 19/01/2020 20:40

Have you tried to rebook it for another Saturday, maybe with some notice for photographer to still fill the spot and not a full cancellation just a change of date the photographer may only take part of the deposit you never know unless you try, as for the ex I wouldn’t let her know the new date and ask brother to provide outfit for the baby just have brother pick him up as normal could always say after if ex finds out oh sorry I must of forgot to message you, I wouldn’t let her know anything like this again especially the date of things just the brother so he can provide whatever is needed for baby so if this was done purposely she can’t make a repeat of it again at say birthday parties etc, It’s on your brothers time so nothing to do with her anyway, stop helping her be able to control and manipulate situations if you aren't texting her, she doesn’t know take a good step back when it comes to her, and plan things on days you know brother has the baby, I wouldn’t bother asking for the money either just never forget it

BrickTop999 · 19/01/2020 20:49

My partners ex was like this. Acts like the children belong to her and she loans them out to him on her terms. A loving dad and was husband. He got a court order. She still messed around and enforcement proceedings and threat of prison was the only way she would comply. Poor little kids

Original poster
xAIBUx · 20/01/2020 16:23

Update: so i dont know what changed, whether she realised i was serious (probably), she had a change of heart (unlikly) or of she was just lying to hurt the family (also probably) but shes changed her mind and i am now aloud to take my nephew to the photoshoot!

Very happy! Just wanted to say thank you all for the advice and comments again :)

OP posts:
WaxOnFeckOff · 20/01/2020 16:26

Great news! My bet is that it's FOMO.