To feel not being physically attractive has held me back?

[bluejumpers]

I’ve done my best with what I’ve got, but the reality is I’m not attractive. I was an exceptionally strange looking child and teen and that triggered a lot of bullying. As a result, I’ve never had a relationship.

I’ve done OK work wise, but I definitely lack real connections with people.

Does anyone understand what I mean?

People treat good looking people better, even as children. Sad but true. And as a result the good looking ones grow up more confident and likely more successful.

It's ok to accept that, but better not to dwell of course.

I don’t think so. For a long time, I was blissfully unaware of it, it’s only looking back at photographs I realise how odd I looked. So I don’t think it’s that.

As said, it's your lack of self esteem and confidence that's the issue.

Do you have any other quirks? Or struggle in any other ways?

"People treat good looking people better, even as children."

Unless you come up against jealousy and bitterness. Or as a young woman, you are treated as an airhead because it's assumed that you can't have brains and beauty.

It's a matter of luck.

Evidence is that yes unattractive people are treated worse, paid less, even get longer prison sentences than attractive people.

Please don’t insult the OP by telling them it’s all their fault and to do with their attitude.

It really isn’t. My only quirk is people not listening

It sounds more life self-confidence is the issue, and maybe a lack of trust of other people due to the bullying. Counselling might be helpful, you may have some unhelpful thought patterns, and that could be helped by CBT.

I'm not particularly attractive, actually unattractive from some angles, but confidence and a big smile, however wonky, work wonders - in fact my job relies on charming people.

Sorry X post

I look like a dickhead with a big smile.

I disagree with the others, good looking people are definitely treated better

Please don’t insult the OP by telling them it’s all their fault and to do with their attitude.

This 100%

Something else you could try is the book "Watching the English" which has some useful chapters on the use of small talk, reciprocal compliments etc, in English society. It was written by a sociologist who carried out practical experiments. It could be you are missing some social cues.

God yes but ! What happens to good looking people when others discover their other traits which maybe, being boring, unkind....it king of wipes the good looking but away.

So if you do look like a dickhead, I’m sure you don’t! But if you have other great traits people take that in, I’m getting older and fatter but I think I can make people laugh and enjoy themselves. That counts !

Kind of ! Not king of

I think I’m pretty good with people.

Not really big, a good looking 50 year old is still attractive.

I was an attractive and still kind of good looking as an adult but I was abused and bullied still
So no, attractive people are not immune from mal treatment

Yes, I feel like this, OP. Both persistent bullying at school and name-calling from strangers that persisted into adulthood, all based on my unattractive/ 'weird' appearance left me with very little confidence.

My relationships have all been with men who are similarly unattractive in the conventional sense.

Many times at work I have felt myself being ignored or disregarded - possibly due to my appearance, possibly due to lack of confidence, most likely a combination of both.

People will be along soon to say 'looks don't matter' and 'you're beautiful inside' and similar patronising, offensive guff that denies the lived experience of unattractive people, but yes, you are at an enormous disadvantage if you don't fall into average or above in the looks department.

I didn’t say that they were hubu but you got to have a wee boast so all is good!

Good looking people are treated better, but that doesn't mean everyone else is treated badly.

And good looking people don't have bad traits automatically. Just like everyone else their personalities cover a spectrum.

Unless someone is very ugly (and I've never met such a person) and they wish to work in some public facing way, then it generally doesn't impact their ability to get on. In terms of partners people usually go for people "in their league" so similar level of attractiveness.

Do you want to post a photo op? Because I'm going to guess what you would post would be a completely normal looking woman. Could your child hood bullying have impacted you more than you thought?

And I don't subscribe to this "if someone says they are unattractive you should just agree with them" stuff.

You mentioned a lack of connection. It's hard to connect with people if you don't allow yourself to be vulnerable (so says my therapist). If you've had long childhood experience of being bullied, friends being turned against you, or no friends at all, then it is possible that now, as an adult, you go out with your shields already up. As a result others may feel that you are not connecting with them, and as a result they don't open up either.

Looks shouldn't matter, but evidence shows they do. The issue here is that the damage done as a child can affect how you relate to people as an adult.

but you got to have a wee boast so all is good

Well that's not very nice. Why is she not allowed to say she's attractive but you're allowed to say you're not? If she's attractive she's attractive and she clearly wasn't boasting, she was pointing out she was still bullied.

do you want to post a photoOP

do I fuck as like

I'm not boasting about anything. I have facial symmetry and traits that the Western world would find desirable.