To feel not being physically attractive has held me back?

[bluejumpers]

I’ve done my best with what I’ve got, but the reality is I’m not attractive. I was an exceptionally strange looking child and teen and that triggered a lot of bullying. As a result, I’ve never had a relationship.

I’ve done OK work wise, but I definitely lack real connections with people.

Does anyone understand what I mean?

Yes, I'm waiting for that one to pop up too, Cherry.

I have a few ugly thoughts, tbf. I’m not a saint.

Def agree good looking people have an easier time in life.
I wasn’t blessed w good looks and also suffered bullying as a result but I did get married, have two children who are thankfully attractive. ON the plus side I’ve always had a reasonable figure, good hair and a nice smile.
I have great friends who don’t judge on looks and a reasonable job, although I do think my looks let me down in interviews whether that’s my confidence or the interviewers bias I couldn’t say.
I am sadly ageing now and it does nothing for the looks, although I can’t ever say I lost them as didn’t have to begin with!! I don’t get bullied as an adult as no-one looks any more at my age 😆

People find different things attractive. You may not fit the narrow standard of beauty as defined by magazines and movies for generations e.g the tall, thin, natural blond with clear skin, straight white teeth, big boobs and long legs but not everyone IRL actually thinks this is the most attractive look. If they did, all other types of people would’ve died out by now.

Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett. Someone had an affair with David Mellor! These aren’t conventionally attractive people but clearly someone fancied them. I genuinely believe there’s someone for everyone but you have to put yourself ‘out there’ for it to happen and the first thing you need to do is give zero fucks about what losers in the street want to say about you. Their own lives are shit, that’s why they need to try and tear you down.

Formerbabe I think you have it spot on, non threatening good looks are advantageous, if you are stunningly attractive and are not a model or celebrity and live in the real world life won’t always be pleasant, people won’t automatically treat you better, in fact it can be completely the opposite.

Tellmetruth4 At the risk of being shot down for being sexist, I think it's different for men who are not conventionally attractive. I'm not saying this is the case for your examples, but some women will forgive anything looks-wise for a man who is rich or famous or in a position of power or even a man who is exceptionally intelligent. Also, women are more likely to judge on personality rather than looks.

It's not unusual to see a conventionally attractive woman with a conventionally ugly man - how often do you see this happening the other way round? It might sometimes happen, but it's rare.

Beauty is very subjective.

When I was young and incredibly beautiful. I never once thought I was beautiful - becaus I had so many women tell me how much of a horrible person I was.

Now I look back at photos and feel sad that I never got to appreciate or enjoy my beauty.

I was basically made to feel sub human and terrible by the women around me. Partly because I was pretty and partly because I was foreign.

Isn't it amazing how our ideas about ourselves are totally shaped by what people tell us.

I was so badly abused by the women around me, that I was convinced that I was a terrible sub human. I really thought that I was less than human.

Then I grew up - some men said to me "you have no idea how good looking you are". And I looked at myself a little bit differently. I still fight mentally against all the cruel things that were said to me by women

I wake up most mornings thinking that I am a bad person and that I don't deserve anything because I am so bad. The mental scars are there.

I was reading Marilyn Monroe's book , and some of it really struck home with me.

She was really abused and unwanted as a child. She was surrounded by cruel women, and sexually abusive men. Her mother was cruel and jealous to her. She said that she began to feel like she did not exost.

Then she said that she grew up, men began to pay attention, and the world opened up to her a little. But all of her mental scars were still there from before. That is exactly how I feel. I wake up every morning thinking that I am a bad terrible person, due to bullying from women in my family, girls at school and women at work.

Please let us all be kinder to each other

There's a horrible but believable quote from an LA divorce lawyer: "Show me a beautiful woman and I'll show you a man who's tired of fucking her."

Sure looks can help initially in the shop window of life but they sure as hell aren't everything. If you've never had a relationship there's likely more to it. I'm not conventionally good-looking but I don't feel unattractive. Whether that's from how I was brought up or whether it's a kind of reverse body disorphyia or something else I don't know. But generally I'm more interested in the other person which I think comes across as an attractive quality regardless of looks. I'm also not that picky myself looks-wise. Kindness is the main thing I look for.

Just out of interest OP, how old are you? Cos one thing I've realised is how much time young people spend worrying about their looks, not realising that youth in itself is innately appealing. Such that people often look back and see how appealing they actually were and realise it's a waste of time thinking about it.

I'm sure it does. I was an ugly child and now an ugly adult and have always been overlooked. I've never been to a wedding, a christening, never been a godparent, never had any friends, never been promoted.

@BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo

Formerbabe I think you have it spot on, non threatening good looks are advantageous, if you are stunningly attractive and are not a model or celebrity and live in the real world life won’t always be pleasant, people won’t automatically treat you better, in fact it can be completely the opposite.

100% agree with this, I actually find life a lot easier being “attractive” and overweight than when I was “attractive” and slim.

This thread has helped me to see some things about myself.

I still wake up every morning thinking I am sub human - I am a terrible person. I don't deserve anything.

Precisely because I was bullied so viciously because I was pretty.

If you think that pretty people have it easy - google Jessica Alba. She was viciously bullied at school because she was pretty. She had to be walked to the nurses office to ear her lunch alone. So she wouldn't be attacked. Because of her good looks.

Yes, thank you angell

Where were we?

OP is of course right. Being beautiful helps. Being not hinders you somewhat.

And I don't see this as a lack of self esteem.
I have and have always had good self esteem. I'm no beauty, not even attractive. Pleasant, ordinary looking. I can scrub up well. None of this causes me much problems, or is a sign of esteem issues. It's just a fact!

angel84I can identify with a lot of your experience. Looking back, I was seen as an object through my childhood and young adulthood.
The confidence of age and losing the perceived desirability of youth has been a blessing! I love through life unthreatened now. I look back and see how I was used as some kind of prize. And had no protection as my mother and stepmother were, I think, jealous of me, so took some spiteful pleasure in me being abused.
I like being middle aged. I don't give a duck any more and I'm just a eell dressed older lady in other people's eyes, not a beautiful girl.

FUCK not duck :)

I know some of you are saying that attractive people find it just as hard to find partners, but at work there is a beautiful girl in finance and a colleague I work with, who is also single clearly likes her. I told him why not go and chat to her and his comment was "No she clearly is already taken" so maybe that's what people think about attractive people, that they are already taken, so don't make a move.

Do you think it might be better to start your own thread to discuss the problems of being very beautiful. I mean I have some real tax issues going on right now as a result of earning over £100k this year and having a complicated LTIP maturing soon. I manage not to complain about it on threads where people are struggling to pay for heating.

@RiddleyW not really, I’m just sharing my experiences. I was a pretty ugly child, I had a lot of work done and life got better in some respects. Then I put on weight and life got better again. I’m just giving a different perspective that being thin and beautiful doesn’t always equal happiness!
I’m 3 stone overweight now and have many more female friends and get a reasonable amount of male attention.

I think we can agree that both ends of the spectrum have it extremely hard - the beautiful and the least attractive.

I am neither and have it so much easier.

I’m so sorry that bullying shits made you so unhappy, OP. I had similar treatment for the reason of ‘looking weird’. I’ve done a fair bit of reflecting on my journey in recent years and FWIW, this is my ‘take’. As a general observation, bullying is vile and does a number on self esteem. You internalise the message you are not worthy - and what that does is impact crucial decisions. I never thought I had choices in relationships with men and my MO was accepting anyone who showed an interest. Needless to say, that led me into relationships where I was unfulfilled and lowered my self esteem further. At work I was too scared to squeak. I looked at some old photos recently and, sure, I was no oil painting, but the thing that also stands out is my bearing and expression. I’m sure I gave off some pretty intense vibes that told people ‘I’m not available and I’m not interested.’ Whenever I’ve been feeling (uncharacteristically) good about myself, I definitely get more positivity from others. Therapy has helped me enormously. It takes time but the unconditional acceptance of another person is very healing.

I also agree that it’s better to be averagely good looking than a stunner.

There was a girl in secondary school who transferred from another school when we were about 14. She looked liked Vanessa Williams. Mixed raced, electric blue eyes, tanned skin. Every boy in the school pretty much followed her around but were too scared (apart from the most bolshy ones) to speak to her. She was nice and was actually quite shy. She had no female friends. Everyone was jealous as fuck, including me! People made up rumours saying she left her old school because she was slag etc. It was terrible and the only crime she had committed was being exceptionally pretty.

Extremes of any type aren’t great but I’m not going to deny that it’s harder if you are at the unattractive end of the extreme. However, I have very rarely seen anyone I would consider genuinely unattractive even those with disfigurements. Katie Piper is beautiful. I saw a hair ad with it her in it and she glows. I can guarantee that if you whitened/straightened your teeth, saw a good hair stylist, ate well and drank loads of water for 3 months, slept well, saw a stylist, used good creams and make up etc, you would be at least average.

I can guarantee that if you whitened/straightened your teeth, saw a good hair stylist, ate well and drank loads of water for 3 months, slept well, saw a stylist, used good creams and make up etc,

Other than eating well and drinking lots of water, the problem is those things are quite expensive. My teeth are very crooked and gappy, so much so that I have to keep my mouth closed when I smile, but I simply can't afford cosmetic dentistry. Same with stylists, premium make-up and skincare (although in fairness, there is nothing wrong with my skin - it's the face it covers that's the problem). I don't mean to suggest I am impoverished, just that my money goes on the mortgage, bills etc. with any leftovers going towards my pension, and while I can comfortably afford necessities, I don't have a lot to spend on luxuries.

Hair costs me around £70 every six weeks. Teeth are fine. It isn’t a skin or teeth problem, it’s the alignment of my face and my body. Hard to explain. My head is shaped like a potato, I have no neck and fleshy cheeks and extremely low forehead, non existent lips and small eyes. Then I have a long body and short limbs. My lower legs are exceptionally short and so it’s not just that I’m small, it’s also that my proportion looks ungainly, dumpy and frumpy.

Psych studies have absolutely shown that attractive people get treated better and even get less harsh court sentences. UNLESS the crime was based on their looks (eg cat fishing someone out of money) in which case they get harsher sentences. But yes, life is generally easier the better looking you are. Thats not to say being gorgeous has no disadvantages but compared to people who are disfigured in some way, there's no contest- its much easier being pretty.

That said, attractiveness is about so much more than looks. I know people who aren't conventionally handsome but are magnetically charismatic and youre just drawn to them. So the way your present yourself body language and personality do go a long way

It’s true op. I got an amazing job in my twenties. Every other candidate had been to oxbridge Harvard or Yale except me and one other woman. We were both slim conventionally attractive brunettes