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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my husband to have different hobbies?

97 replies

BeepOpsiePie · 19/01/2020 13:36

His hobby is programming. He spends all his spare moments researching and coding. I feel like solving computer problems is the only thing that truly excites him in life and he doesn't seem to be as excited about the time we spend together as a family or couple.

I suppose the actual hobby is relevant, you could substitute in any pastime really - video gaming, tinkering, Facebooking, whatever. Although it does seem relevant to me that it's a screen-based hobby, they seem to be so all-consuming compared to other things like DIY or crafts, and so accessible as you can easily fire it up any time, anywhere that you can bring a laptop with you.

DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it. I don't know exactly why it bugs me so much but I think it's partly jealousy that he has such an intense interest in it, an interest I would rather him take in us as his family instead, or even just something a bit more tangible that we can all see. If he did the same hobby but otherwise seemed balanced I wouldn't mind so much.

I don't know, maybe it's me that just needs to be a bit more understanding - I don't have anything I'm that obsessed with so maybe I just can't empathise.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 19/01/2020 13:38

DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it

That's because you are trying to control his hobbies Confused

SoupDragon · 19/01/2020 13:40

If you think DIY or crafts are not time consuming, you are badly mistaken!

Anyway, your issue seems to be more that you want to do something as a family so find some kind of "hobby" you can all do together as family time.p rather than expecting him to just ditch what his doing for some vague "more family time" reason or because you don't like his choice of hobby.

Sally872 · 19/01/2020 13:42

If he is spending so much time on it that he isnt pulling his weight for family stuff/work then you can be disappointed that he is not doing his share. If he is doing his share then yabvu.

DoTheNextRightThing · 19/01/2020 13:42

YABU. If he enjoys coding, let him code. At least it's a hobby he can do at home rather than disappearing off somewhere else all day.

NameChangeNugget · 19/01/2020 13:43

You sound very controlling

easyandy101 · 19/01/2020 13:47

Maybe he could get into cycling

Then you could all sit round and coo at his strava and take turns shaving his legs

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 19/01/2020 13:48

DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it

I agree with him.

You don't get to decide what hobbies are worthwhile...

If he's not pulling his weight, that's a different matter. If you'd just rather he had a hobby that you felt more acceptable; or that his hobby was somehow your family, that's not on.

midnightmisssuki · 19/01/2020 13:49

But ermmmm - you are being very controlling in trying to control his hobbies. Maybe find your own hobby and not control what he can and cannot do.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2020 13:50

So if he took up cycling and went out all day you would be happy?
I think you are wanting him to either spend less time on his hobby, which is fair enough IF he doesn't do any family things, do a hobby the whole family can enjoy or jot do any hobby. The last 2 aren't reasonable and would be controlling.

TheMustressMhor · 19/01/2020 13:51

Oh dear.

You're not going to get any support her, OP.

FWIW I agree with you.

motherheroic · 19/01/2020 13:53

Crafts are absolutely time consuming though. You can easily spend days/months on something like embroidery or knitting once you become advanced enough to work on large pieces.

Original poster
BeepOpsiePie · 19/01/2020 13:55

Okay, thanks. I can see that I'm probably in the wrong.

I can't work out my own feelings about it TBH I just don't know what it actually is that bothers me so much about this hobby and the time spent on it. It's not like I have any worthwhile/meaningful hobbies so I'm not claiming superiority.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2020 13:57

Of course the OP will get support. There are always loads of supporting threads that say men should scale back all consuming hobbies for family. What there isnt going to be support for is the OP deciding what sort of hobby her DH is allowed to do. That is the difference.

MGC31 · 19/01/2020 14:00

Why don’t you try and find yourself a hobby?

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/01/2020 14:00

Is it what he’s doing or how much time he’s doing it?

JKScot4 · 19/01/2020 14:02

Is he work, hobby, sleep?
Does he help with DC, housework etc?

Shoxfordian · 19/01/2020 14:02

Is he still doing things with you?

Selfsettling3 · 19/01/2020 14:02

You are being controlling. Is the issue the amount of time he is spending on it? Or that you want him to spend more time with him?

My DH turned his coding hobby into his job and he now earns a lot more.

Original poster
BeepOpsiePie · 19/01/2020 14:09

He works in tech too, and I guess partly I feel like he's doing something very similar to his job and I would like to see him having more variety in his life than 9hrs in a desk chair, a couple of hours off for dinner and kids bedtime, then 3-5 more hours in a desk chair. I find that depressing. I would like to see him doing something else. But I know that's not my choice.

OP posts:
Cordylina · 19/01/2020 14:10

Is the issue coding or is it that you feel he’s not involved/invested in family life and that all his passion, energy and attention goes into his hobby?

Naijamama · 19/01/2020 14:11

Op, were you raised to believe you were 'wasting the day' if you weren't physically outside doing something? I was, and as a result, I can't seem to shake off feeling like spending a day off at home is somehow a bit of a crime. Surely I should be out 'doing.' It's a difficult thing to shake off, but my husband who wasn't raised with that mentality, feels a day resting at home is a good use of time if that's what he feels like. It's taken me ages to accept that sometimes him and the kids just don't fancy going out somewhere every day. Although mostly they're ready to 'do' again after one day at home if that makes sense.

I just wonder if you feel that because coding doesn't involve getting out as such, it's somehow just being lazy at home, and not a proper activity.

I feel like you might not be doing this to be controlling, just raised to believe that unless it's outside and physical, it's somehow lazy.

Cordylina · 19/01/2020 14:12

X posts.

If that’s his interest then that’s his business not yours. If he’s removing himself from family life and emotionally unavailable because he’s spending all his time at home with his nose glued to a screen, that is your business.

Mandarinfish · 19/01/2020 14:13

YANBU if you think he spends too long on his hobby in general and want him to spend more time with you and the DC.

YABU if you'd be happy for him to spend this time on a different hobby.

easyandy101 · 19/01/2020 14:16

Why is everyone trying to paint it as too much time on hobby?

Address the OP issues rather than fabricating them

She's posted twice, said nothing about it being excessive, just that she wants him to do something she would prefer

Quartz2208 · 19/01/2020 14:19

Yes it isnt about the hobby its about the amount of time he spends on his hobby and it doesnt matter what it is but it is at the expense of spending time with you