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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my husband to have different hobbies?

97 replies

BeepOpsiePie · 19/01/2020 13:36

His hobby is programming. He spends all his spare moments researching and coding. I feel like solving computer problems is the only thing that truly excites him in life and he doesn't seem to be as excited about the time we spend together as a family or couple.

I suppose the actual hobby is relevant, you could substitute in any pastime really - video gaming, tinkering, Facebooking, whatever. Although it does seem relevant to me that it's a screen-based hobby, they seem to be so all-consuming compared to other things like DIY or crafts, and so accessible as you can easily fire it up any time, anywhere that you can bring a laptop with you.

DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it. I don't know exactly why it bugs me so much but I think it's partly jealousy that he has such an intense interest in it, an interest I would rather him take in us as his family instead, or even just something a bit more tangible that we can all see. If he did the same hobby but otherwise seemed balanced I wouldn't mind so much.

I don't know, maybe it's me that just needs to be a bit more understanding - I don't have anything I'm that obsessed with so maybe I just can't empathise.

OP posts:
june2007 · 19/01/2020 14:20

Be careful what you wish for, my oh was into Kayaking and Mountaineering, meaning away every other wk end. Lots of money on petrol and gear. Now he can,t do those hobbies and I,m wishing he could.

adaline · 19/01/2020 14:21

I think you're pissed off that he has a hobby and you perhaps don't have one that you enjoy so much.

Everyone needs a hobby - it's healthy to spend time on your own and to go off and do your own thing. DH went out for three hours cycling this morning - I went out with the dog and caught up on my programmes that he hates Grin

I wouldn't like to be told how to spend my free time.

Inherdefence · 19/01/2020 14:23

Count yourself lucky! One good thing about your DHs hobby is that it isn’t expensive and doesn’t take up much space. I’m into crafts and my equipment, all the storage for it and my crafting table fill a very large room. Friends of mine have had wooden chalets with heat and light installed in the garden to accommodate all their stuff. And there is always something new to buy - another box of paints, a new cutting mat, a huge ‘bargain’ box of papers and card, the latest set of alcohol based inks etc. There are also shows and workshops to attend and magazines to subscribe to. The list is endless, new products come out constantly and it all adds up.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 19/01/2020 14:27

Why should he (or anybody) spend their precious free (after work and family duties) time on sth you think acceptable?

I envy people who are so passionate about an interest.

What do you expect him to do? Sth he's he's only lukewarm-ly interested in, but sth you understand and see as worthwhile?
MY DF stopped all extra-familiar interests when he became a father and ended up a widower with no interests of his own.

ioioitsoff · 19/01/2020 14:29

You do realise that you have outed yourself by naming his hobby don't you? Grin

If he's not spending any family time then YANBU but his hobby is still his choice it he needs to cut back in the amount of time it takes.

JamieVardysHavingAParty · 19/01/2020 14:30

YABU, soz.

I'm sure there are lots of hobbies you'd find more annoying to live with anyway. Suppose someone got him into taxidermy?

madcatladyforever · 19/01/2020 14:32

If he loves it why are you bothered? At least it's not cycling or triathlons constantly. That would drive me nuts.

Cordylina · 19/01/2020 14:33

’He spends all his spare moments researching and coding. I feel like solving computer problems is the only thing that truly excites him in life and he doesn't seem to be as excited about the time we spend together as a family or couple.’

That’s why people are asking about him spending too much time on his hobby.

Durgasarrow · 19/01/2020 14:37

I don't think the issue is the hobby, I think the issue is the lack of involvement. He isn't pulling his weight. There are two ways to deal with this. One is to fight fire with fire--be more absent than he is, so he notices, (force him to be responsible for things), and two is to talk to him about what he needs to be responsible for, with consequences if he doesn't, making sure that you back that up.

TulipCat · 19/01/2020 14:37

I have found that the best way to deal with someone who is deeply passionate about something is to indulge it occasionally but otherwise take only a passing interest. How old are your children? There are loads of code-based activities he could do with them once they are about 6+. That might be a way of turning it into family time.

Oblomov20 · 19/01/2020 14:42

You aren't answering the questions OP.

You say you can't put into words what's bothering you. But I suspect you probably can.

He's not pulling his weight, household chores wise?

He's not THAT into the idea of you and dc as a family, and spending time as a family?

What IS the real issue here?

Elbeagle · 19/01/2020 14:44

He isn't pulling his weight

This may be the case, but the OP hasn’t actually said he isn’t pulling his weight. Her posts actually suggest the issue is the type of hobby he does, not the amount of time he spends on it.
OP would you like a hobby?

Aridane · 19/01/2020 14:44

His hobby, his choice

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2020 14:44

Doesn't sound like he isn't pulling his weight rather that he enjoys his hobby more. OP says he doesn't do it of an evening for a few hours until after the DC bedtime so he is there with them.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2020 14:46

OP also talks about his spare moments being spent on his hobby again an indication of his down time, not necessarily family time.

Bluetrews25 · 19/01/2020 14:56

Anyone else hate the word hobby?
Feel like I've read it eleventy million times on this thread alone.....

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 19/01/2020 14:56

YABU in that it is his hobby and up to him if he wants to be sat down all day and night.

YANBU if you want him to spend more time with the family.

So any discussion with him needs to be about family time, not about the hobby itself.

I have had at least 2 friends end their marriages because the DH would not spend time with them, preferring to be at work or off gambling or playing sports. These were extremes, with no family time at all.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/01/2020 15:01

DIY is totally time consuming, noisy (DH running electric drill in basement as I speak) and leaves large parts of your house uninhabitable. And since it is the [project that is fun, not the fiddly tidying everything up bits, no job is completed. Sill awaiting completion of the 2010 kitchen and the 2001 bathroom.

Unfortunately, the attributes that endear him to you as a husband also give him the capacity to have a focused overwhelming interest in a subject. He would show the same passion whatever hobby he took up.

longtompot · 19/01/2020 15:26

A hobby is generally doing something you really enjoy. When its not something you enjoy, it then becomes a chore. You can’t make him choose another hobby because you don’t like it.

FYI, my dh loves computer games. I don’t. They annoy me. Yes I would love him to do something else, but he enjoys it, and thats the main thing. I would hate for him to want me to give up crochet or the other hobbies I have.

beautifulxdisasters · 19/01/2020 15:30

I think it's great he has a job in something he clearly enjoys tbh. Both DP and I code as part of our jobs but also enjoy doing that as a hobby. I suppose the difference is we both enjoy it (so it's quite companionable sitting together occasionally asking questions about the code and seeing if the other knows how to fix something that's gone wrong!)

It does sound from your updates like he's spending lots of time on this though.

My DP can be a bit like this but if I organise something he will go. Would your DP come off the computer with enthusiasm (or at least good grace) if there was some family time organised, or not? If not that's when I'd worry...

beautifulxdisasters · 19/01/2020 15:31

Also yes as a PP said - I'm looking forward to when DCs are old enough to introduce them to coding! Would he be interested in doing something related to his hobby with them?

Oly4 · 19/01/2020 15:39

Yanbu if he spends all his time on it and neglects his hobby.
Yabvu if you just don’t like what the hobby is

Oly4 · 19/01/2020 15:39

Sorry.. first one should read if he neglects his family!

ElbasAbsentPenis · 19/01/2020 15:55

Is it the intensity of it? I get it. My DH is a computer programmer, and has hobbies that, while they are not entirely screen-based, are such incredibly intense ‘special interests’ that they are all he can think about or talk about. There is no room in his mind for anything else, and when he’s really in the grip of one he has little patience for family life. He has family members with ASD and I suspect he’s got some traits himself.

It is lonely. I don’t think you’re controlling if this is what you are dealing with. Flowers

monkeymonkey2010 · 19/01/2020 16:08

I think it's partly jealousy that he has such an intense interest in it, an interest I would rather him take in us as his family instead, or even just something a bit more tangible that we can all see.

There are two separate issues that i see.
Firstly - you feel jealous because of the DEPTH of interest he shows in the hobby and how much of his free time he CHOOSES to devote to it.
You DESIRE that he show that level of interest in his wife and family too.
THAT is not unreasonable to think or feel.
It sounds as though you feel neglected to a degree, like you come second to his hobby?
That's something you both need to make time to discuss.
If he's been unaware then he can change things....if he doesn't then he just doesn't care enough for you and at least you know where you stand - and what your options are.

The second thing is you wishing his hobby was just something a bit more tangible that we can all see
That negates the whole point of having a hobby.
A hobby is something you do for yourself because it brings YOU joy...it isn't something you do for other people's benefit.
A hobby isn't something you do for other people.
A hobby is 'your own thing' that you do because it feels good for you.

It's easy to become so obsessed with a hobby that you end up neglecting other people/areas of your life.....like kids addicted/obsessed with computer games.
So you need to clarify with yourself first which is the problem - the amount of time or the amount of emotional/mental energy that he allocates to the hobby?
Then discuss a solution/compromise.

Then discuss YOU having an equal amount of personal time to spend on yourself - be that a hobby, seeing friends, going to the gym etc.