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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want my husband to have different hobbies?

97 replies

BeepOpsiePie · 19/01/2020 13:36

His hobby is programming. He spends all his spare moments researching and coding. I feel like solving computer problems is the only thing that truly excites him in life and he doesn't seem to be as excited about the time we spend together as a family or couple.

I suppose the actual hobby is relevant, you could substitute in any pastime really - video gaming, tinkering, Facebooking, whatever. Although it does seem relevant to me that it's a screen-based hobby, they seem to be so all-consuming compared to other things like DIY or crafts, and so accessible as you can easily fire it up any time, anywhere that you can bring a laptop with you.

DH things I'm trying to control his hobbies in a weird way instead of just leaving him to it. I don't know exactly why it bugs me so much but I think it's partly jealousy that he has such an intense interest in it, an interest I would rather him take in us as his family instead, or even just something a bit more tangible that we can all see. If he did the same hobby but otherwise seemed balanced I wouldn't mind so much.

I don't know, maybe it's me that just needs to be a bit more understanding - I don't have anything I'm that obsessed with so maybe I just can't empathise.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/01/2020 16:09

If he spends a reasonable amount of time doing housework, taking care of the children, shouldering a fair share of the mental work of managing the house, and goes out to work then does the hobby when he has some spare time, then that's fine imo.

What the OP perhaps needs is some time carved out for her and her H as a couple, and maybe some interest of her own to occupy her too. If he won't leave time for them as a couple - prioritises the hobby ahead of couple time - or can't see a problem in a situation where they are basically two ships passing in the night then that's a problem.

If the OP is left doing more than a fair share of housework, planning, childcare, etc., while he pursues the hobby, then that's not fair but the hobby itself isn't the problem. It's the attitude.

Sunflower20 · 19/01/2020 16:14

Fuck me that would drive me up the wall. Did you know this before you married him? I don't think he can change. But as a family the hobby shouldn't be all consuming and making you feel like he's not investing as much in you and the kids, that's awful.

everythingisginandroses · 19/01/2020 16:18

Er….are we talking about 3-5 hours per day here? Is that every day? Have I misread that, OP?

ShakeItUp · 19/01/2020 16:33

I can't imagine being with a man who doesn't have a hobby.
Who wants someone who just slumps in front of the TV?
Maybe you could take up a hobby of your own OP? It doesn't have to be anything that takes you out of your home or expensive.
I wouldn't be happy if my husband told me that I was spending too much time on my hobbies and I don't think he would be impressed if I said the same to him.

Thinkingabout1t · 19/01/2020 16:40

Beep, his lifestyle is terribly unhealthy. No one should be sitting at a screen for 12-14 hours a day. He's also setting the DC a bad example.

What do you do as a family at the weekends? Can you build in more physical activities that you can all take part in? Are you physically active at work or a SAHM, running around with the kids during the day? If you need some exercise too, what about getting a dog, which you or DH would have to walk every day.

You are right to be concerned, also because his hobby is very isolating and excludes you during your evenings together. (Even watching telly together would be more sociable.) I think you'd be happier if you found an interest too. But DH really does have to tackle his sedentary lifestyle before he has a heart attack.

fuckitywhy · 19/01/2020 16:52

Is he on the spectrum OP? That sort of obsession isn't totally abnormal for people with ASD but if he's neglecting everything else that's not okay. He might not understand how lonely you're feeling.

Purpleartichoke · 19/01/2020 16:57

If he is shirking his parental responsibilities than address that. If you aren’t getting enough time to explore your own hobbies than address that. If he is spending too much of your budget in his hobby than deal
With that issue.

But just being unhappy he has a hobby is selfish.

ShakeItUp · 19/01/2020 16:58

@Fuckitywhy why on earth would he be on the spectrum just because he enjoys a hobby??
My husband has a hobby that has pretty much taken up his whole weekend.
I have a hobby that's pretty much taken up all of mine.
Neither of us are on the spectrum!

raspberryk · 19/01/2020 16:59

You don't get to decide what he finds meaningful, you can however negotiate times when you need him to be present and taking part in family life and also down time.
Sounds like the issue is the all consuming nature of his hobby which can be the same as any other interest regardless of tech related or not.

fuckitywhy · 19/01/2020 17:07

The OP's husband is an obsessive coder who works in tech. Be as offended as you want there, but as an autistic person married to an autistic man, with a lot of autistic friends and family, it rings a very familiar bell.

If he isn't then he's being an arse to neglect everything all the time, and leave his wife and family feeling neglected.

If he is then his hobby is probably even more all-consuming than yours is, and he also might not be great at communication and understanding either, which will leave OP feeling more lonely than ever.

It makes a difference.

Aridane · 19/01/2020 17:17

Op, were you raised to believe you were 'wasting the day' if you weren't physically outside doing something?

Interesting- I wonder if there is an element of that...

ShakeItUp · 19/01/2020 17:17

@Fuckitywhy my hobby often takes me away from home for entire weekends, sometimes longer.
If my husband feels neglected then he needs to find a way to entertain himself. I'm not here to entertain him, as he's not here to entertain me.
As it is, his own hobby takes up a large amount of his time, usually on weekends, but sometimes during the week too.
We are both prolific readers too, so when we are at home you will find us with our heads in a book, which in itself can be classed as a hobby.
It could be classed as obsessive, but still not on the spectrum.

ShakeItUp · 19/01/2020 17:19

No, not offended.

Aridane · 19/01/2020 17:20

Like another poster, I find the repeated use of the word ‘hobby’ profoundly irritating!

It sort of demeans a passion, an enthusiastic interest or love of something or a sport to the level of a child stamp collecting or an obscure and rare eccentric adult ‘hobby’

Namenic · 19/01/2020 17:21

As PP have said - perhaps a family hobby for health - eg going to parks, walks with kids might good and sociable?

Aridane · 19/01/2020 17:24

Teaching his children to code would be a great activity and a good learning experience! It’s great fun to code your own simple computer game!

ShakeItUp · 19/01/2020 17:26

@Namenic But that's not a hobby or an interest.
A hobby or an interest is something that you are passionate about.
A walk in the park is hardly going to be passionate ( unless you're going to dive behind a bush for a quickie )

Namenic · 19/01/2020 17:35

Sure - you might not be passionate about it, but it’s still something that might be good to incorporate into the routine - which may reduce OPs annoyance at the hobby, give some social family time and be good for health.

There are extents of hobbies - I suspect reducing time spent on it slightly and making a conscious effort to do something beneficial for the whole family might make OP a bit happier? I have a similar hobby but not so intense.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/01/2020 17:46

In all fairness to the DH the OP hasnt said he spends more time on it than he does with family time. Indeed she specifically said he doesn't do it until after the DC are in bed. What she says is it seems to excite him more than time spent with the family. That is not something he can really help. Maybe they need to find some different family activities that excite the whole family.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 19/01/2020 18:07

My hobby is programming and it has ended up with me having a very, very well paid job.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 19/01/2020 19:05

I kind of get it, but also I think you'd be upset if your husband told you he found you boring and with no real hobbies... If you would love to hear that and overhaul your hobbies, then maybe yes, YANBU, but otherwise, you very much are.

Elbeagle · 19/01/2020 19:27

going to parks, walks with kids might good and sociable?

They’re not hobbies though are they? I take my children to the park and for walks most days. It’s not a hobby though, it’s an activity I do for the sake of my children. I am not passionate about it.

SandyY2K · 19/01/2020 20:10

YABU

How he chooses to spend his spare time us up to him. You don't get to decide another person's hobby or interest.

You've not indicated he neglects the family at the expense of his coding.

ArkAtEee · 19/01/2020 21:14

I'm not a programmer anymore, but it is something that at its best is both intellectually satisfying and totally absorbing. If he is involved with open source coding projects as well, there are communities based around that, so it also has a social element with a feel of 'changing the world for the better'. So I can see why he enjoys it, but also why you might feel excluded.

If we're talking about hours every day outside of work, I think you are right that it's unacceptable, even if he's pulling his weight with the family and home. It was also be unacceptable if it was golf/gaming/cycling. If you feel like you have to beg for his time and attention, that's not right and there needs to be a conversation between you and some changes.

DoreenSamuel · 19/01/2020 21:22

Is there anyway you can find programming sexy? I realise that’s a long shot. Maybe you can pretend he’s hacking through firewalls to gather crucial information as part of his role working for the secret service?

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