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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that grandparents are a lovely bonus but not essential

74 replies

PaprikaPringle · 18/01/2020 19:16

Inspired by (but not a TAAT!) a thread where OP is considering a second child at 45 ...

These threads pop up with some regularity on MN and one of the arguments against having a child at 40+ is you'll either be dead by the time your grandchildren are born or you'll be too old and decrepit to run around after them.

Whilst I accept it must be lovely to have involved grandparents, AIBU to think they are not essential to a child's happiness and well being?

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 18/01/2020 19:18

I think as a parent you probably feel the absence of your own parent more than a child feels the absence of a grandparent. I grew up with one set of grandparents and never felt the absence as it was normal but I feel the absence of my own dad very deeply as a parent myself

palmtreedreams · 18/01/2020 19:19

YANBU

Chanel05 · 18/01/2020 19:21

I think it depends on the individual family unit. In my childhood if I had not had my grandparents then my happiness and well-being would have suffered enormously because of my parents I have.

mbosnz · 18/01/2020 19:21

I've always said they're an agreeable luxury, not a necessity.

HollowTalk · 18/01/2020 19:22

I'm the mother of two adult children who are about to lose their dad and they would completely disagree with you.

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2020 19:22

I'm a GP. Going by some of the threads on here, some GPs do need to be actively avoided.

They're definitely a bonus not a necessity

OverthinkingThis · 18/01/2020 19:22

Of course they aren't essential. I lost a parent when I was 26, which was devastating but it didn't mean I was going to never have kids just because they'd miss out on a grandparent.

PotteringAlong · 18/01/2020 19:23

My dad died this summer. He was 68. He didn’t live to see my 40th birthday. He was so, so, so much more than just a nice bonus.

palmtreedreams · 18/01/2020 19:24

But would you not have children on that basis, pottering?

No ones denying it’s sad to lose a parent, just that it shouldn’t form the basis of your own family.

Comeonbabyyay · 18/01/2020 19:25

YANBU

catlady3 · 18/01/2020 19:27

My grandparents were very important to me. It's another "layer" of family but doesn't come with the conflict of a parent-child relationship, so it is less complicated. They also had a different perspective on life, been there done that sort of thing, while my parents were still muddling through. I suppose this might be different for other people but I'm glad I had them and would have ended up being a very different person. That said, I don't doubt other people can fill that gap if there are no grandparents around. Definitely good to have someone like that, though.

GrolliffetheDragon · 18/01/2020 19:28

Three of my grandparents were dead before I was born or when I was very young.

I missed having them in as much as all my friends had all of their grandparents. I now regret not knowing them because I never got to speak to them, to know about their lives, which by all accounts were very interesting.

Kolo · 18/01/2020 19:29

Having lost my parents early, and having had children since, in my experience it's definitely worse for the parent than the child!

I don't know that my kids have missed out having a grandparent. Maybe a couple of less presents at Xmas/birthdays. Maybe they've missed out on having refreshed parents (assuming grandparents help out). Maybe they've missed out on being 'spoiled by grandma' (or is that a myth?).

I've definitely felt like I missed having advice/reassurance/help/babysitter. I feel a lack of support, and especially so when I was a new mum. I have been insanely jealous of friends who could go on holiday/away for the night and know their child was with someone who adored them and would ensure their every demand was met.

But I don't see how it's an argument not to have kids later. People can lose parents at any age, or their parents might be shits, or maybe they don't want to be involved. Maybe I'd say involved grandparents are a bonus, not an essential and. It a given, even if you had kids at 21.

JockTamsonsBairns · 18/01/2020 19:29

My DC's don't have good grandparents, they never have done so they know no different. I do get a pang when I read on here about all the involved and loving grandparents, but it is what it is.
My own father died when I was 15, and I know he would've been a wonderful grandpa, and that makes me feel quite sad - that he never got to know his GC, and they never knew him.

StoneofDestiny · 18/01/2020 19:32

Not a necessity. I had no grandparents, aunts, uncles or cousins!
My own kids lived far away from 2 grandparents and two were deceased.

UndertheCedartree · 18/01/2020 19:34

GPs aren't necessary - although they are very valuable to some families.

My DC have little input from GPs and I don't think they miss it as they know no different. Having said that the small bit of involvement they do have is enriching (at least in part). They also get that from aunties, uncles, cousins and close family friends too.

Supportive grandparents are wonderful but not something everyone gets and we have to manage without.

crosser62 · 18/01/2020 19:34

I would not have survived my childhood or teenage years had it not been for my grandmother. She was my lifeblood in my very very difficult home life.

Now my kids do not have a relationship with their grandparents to speak of. That makes me very sad as they are another layer of love.
Fil and bil “forgot “ it was ds’s birthday yesterday, we don’t see them one month to the next, same with my parents, they have no interest in my children.
I know how wonderful a close relationship is with gp’s.

Murraygoldberg · 18/01/2020 19:34

I lost my last GP at 9, my ds lost his last GP at 2, its not ideal but not terrible. My ds also lost his df at 10, again sad but actually essential to his happiness and wellbeing? he is very happy (with some sadness obviously). I also lost my df as a child and had a happy childhood. I think we have lost sight of death being normal and a part of life.

Nonnymum · 18/01/2020 19:34

I never knew my grandparents they all died before I was born. I didn't miss them when I was growing up because you don't miss what you have never known. But now I wish I had known them as I feel that part of my background is missing somehow.
Having said that I don't think your children not having grandparents is a reason not to have children in your 40s. No one knows the future or how long they or their parents will live.

TimeMarchesOnNeverEnding · 18/01/2020 19:38

My grandparents were a massive part of my life and we were incredibly close. My happiest childhood memories involve time with them.

My dad has died and my mum is very ill the thought of my kids not having my parents as grandparents is incredibly sad for me. I had my kids in my late 30s. I wish I'd had been able to have them earlier.

Goatinthegarden · 18/01/2020 19:46

My father’s parents died when I was very young. They were lovely apparently. But I never knew them really, so I don’t know what I’ve missed out on.

My mum’s parents terrify me. They upset my mum and my aunties regularly. I only saw them a few times a year and I’ve actively spent my adulthood avoiding them.

I’ve always ‘collected’ the grandparents of friends and as a child, loved visiting their GPs with them. I have a bit of a habit of befriending old people! Grin I guess I feel a bit sad that I never had that relationship, but I also don’t feel like my life has been less because of it.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 18/01/2020 19:50

TBH I'd rather have had no "grandparents"than the 2 I had. My parents are brilliant Grandparents though and sometimes I do envy the bond between my DD and them.

Rubixcuube · 18/01/2020 19:50

I agree with you. The issue is if you have you’re children young then there’s a good chance the grandparents will be working themselves so they won’t be there to babysit on demand!

Then there’s the couples that move away and can’t rely on help from grandparents anyway.

It all grandparents what to be there to help out. It’s certainly not a given from what I e heard/read even just on here.

I think grandparents are brilliant and if they can help then fab, but I don’t think you plan whether or not you have children based on how much help they can offer you. They may pass away soon after for all anyone knows.

moonway · 18/01/2020 19:50

My grandparents (except one) are thankfully still with me and I always wanted my children to meet my grandparents and to be able to spend as much time with their grandparents as I've been so lucky to with mine. My husbands parents couldn't care less about my son so he really only has one set which really hurt me at the beginning, until I saw how doting my grandparents are on him. So I don't think it's really important not having grandparents when others can more than make up for it

Rubixcuube · 18/01/2020 19:51

It’s not all I mean

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