To think that grandparents are a lovely bonus but not essential

[PaprikaPringle]

Inspired by (but not a TAAT!) a thread where OP is considering a second child at 45 ...

These threads pop up with some regularity on MN and one of the arguments against having a child at 40+ is you'll either be dead by the time your grandchildren are born or you'll be too old and decrepit to run around after them.

Whilst I accept it must be lovely to have involved grandparents, AIBU to think they are not essential to a child's happiness and well being?

My mother had me at 43. One grandparent died before I was born, two were dead by my third birthday, and the final one died when I was 10.
No, they're no 'essential' but I wish I'd got the chance to know mine more, or you know, at all

@UndertheCedartree aw well tbh I didn’t have my maternal grandparents much growing up as they lived abroad, but the input my my paternal ones was of great cultural and personal significance, they helped my parents out and allowed them to flourish in their careers by helping with childcare and gave me a real sense of ‘identity’ and therefore my own mum and dads input is important to me with my child raising. But I have friends who want to keep their kids as far away from their kids as possible for good reason, but surround their kids with other good people and influences.

I had two grandparents growing up. They actively made it clear that they'd rather I didn't exist. Every family is different.

My grandparents were precious, wonderful people who I miss every single day. My life would have been much poorer without them. I do not regard them as a bonus, no.

Not all gp are wise and give that other perspective some have always been stupid and remain ridiculous as gp. I dislike this wisdom notion that it somehow comes automatically with age. Not all gp actually love their gc for themselves. Some gp are selfish and want to be seen as gp and act it out.

Those who have fairly straightforward, pleasant enough gp, yes without a doubt a wondeful bonus. But those with selfish difficult ones no.

Not a necessity.

I grew up without any living GPs (my mum was 30 when I was born so not particularly old) We had older friends who were like substitute GPs. I had DC when I was late 20s/early 30s. My DM passed away when DC1 was 4 and DC2 was 1. My Ddad died before DC2 was 10. Not having my DM around was part of my decision not to have a 3rd child.

I had no contact with my grandparents for various reasons. We were lucky to have an amazing extended family that is made up of friends and not blood relatives. Didn't miss what I didn't know

Well I never knew any of my GPs, they all died before I was born. It was never an issue for me.

My DF died before I had DD and I do sometimes wish he had lived long enough to know her, but ultimately it probably hasn't made a huge difference to her life. She has grown up knowing three GPs, which is nice. But a bonus probably.

BTW, not being a parent until 40s doesn't necessarily mean noT being a GP. My DSis was in her 40s before having her first child. One of her DDs is getting married soon so, who knows, DCs might be on the cards. My DSis is late 60s but definitely not "old", still has a part time job, a busy social life and lots of hobbies and interests

In my experience grandparents are definitely essential! I grew up with a really close relationship with my grandparents and they still are a great source of support for us now. My own children wouldn't be without my mum and dad and have a brilliant relationship with them, to a point my son prefers to hang out with his grandad than me 🤣

I am nc with my mum as she is a nasty person, so therefore my kids don’t have a relationship with her. My exes parents died before I met him so no grandparents their either. They are not essential

Given how shitty most of my children’s grandparents are I’m inclined to agree with you OP. My children do just fine with the people in their lives who are basically the family we’ve found for ourselves and don’t have a biological link to us. I don’t think we’re the only ones with this kind of set up.

My dcs grandparents were/ are good in different ways.
My dgc is 7 and the light of our lives. In summer he lives with us for 4 weeks and we know we are very lucky to be trusted with him.

I feel sad for those who don't have a special gp relationship.

2 of my grandparents died before I was born, the other two were very elderly and very distant, I didn't have a particular relationship with either of them and didn't really notice that other people did.

DS is in a similar situation as far as DH's parents are concerned, one dead, one very elderly and also my father is dead and was too old to take any real interest, but my mum has quite a close relationship with him.

I guess you don't miss what you don't know.

In terms of not having a child at 45, it's not just about the grandparents not having a relationship with their grandchildren because they are so old, it's also that the older that you and your parents are, the more likely it is that the kids will have to make sacrifices because the parents are providing help or care to their parents. So for example, 10 year old can't do ballet on a Saturday because parents have to visit grandparents and make sure they are ok. It's far more likely to be the case with late 80 somethings than late 70 somethings.

I didn’t have any grandparents growing up but I had a really happy childhood and had lots to do with other family members. But my parents told me all about them and my family history so I feel that they were there in spirit.

My mum was fabulous but my life (not just childhood because I'm still close to my grandparents now) would have been much harder without my grandparents.

I'd also find parenting harder without my mum for emotional support and sometimes the physical support (my baby DS is in hospital a lot so she helps out a lot with DD at the moment)

I appreciate we are a very close family though

I think it depends on the grandparents. Plenty people I know have parents who aren't that interested in their grandchildren and so they are a nice to have rather than any real practical or emotional help. And we have parents who are far away so can't help.

It would be lovely to have interested grandparents, I grew up surrounded by grandparents and great uncles and aunts. My DC don't have that. MIL comes to visit as much as she can and when she's here she does lots with the DC but it's not the same as being here all the time.

I have older parents. My df's parents passed away long before my siblings and I were born but my dm's parents were alive. Although dgp parents did not actively help out that often minding us etc (to be fair they had lots of kids and once they were raised my dgp travelled the world). I feel that my life was so much better for them. I think they thought us the importance of family. I am still super close to my cousins and their children. As a family when we were kids my dgps used to host a family weekend in Sept. For us many many years later that weekend is still golden, and we all no matter where we are in the world try our best to make it (and help each other out to make it finance wise or whatever). I am not sure if our bond would have been the same without my dgp. But then from what I hear from my df and his siblings my dg on his side was quite a toxic person who always tried to divide people so I doubt she would have had a positive impact on my life or my siblings.

I loved my grand parents and couldn’t imagine them not being in my life. They played a massive role in my upbringing and still do (at the grand age of 80+). My DC grand parents also play big roles in my kids life not by being a free babysitter but in other ways, so yep I think they’re necessary.

Having grown up been incredibly close to my grandma and my great grandparents I was devastated they didn't get to meet my DS but the relationship DS has with my parents is wonderful! I honestly couldn't imagine his life without them in it. They are wonderful people who do so so much for us. I think they are essential in his life so he can have the relationship with them like I did with my grandparents

In terms of not having a child at 45, it's not just about the grandparents not having a relationship with their grandchildren because they are so old, it's also that the older that you and your parents are, the more likely it is that the kids will have to make sacrifices because the parents are providing help or care to their parents. So for example, 10 year old can't do ballet on a Saturday because parents have to visit grandparents and make sure they are ok. It's far more likely to be the case with late 80 somethings than late 70 somethings.

What is the answer though? I had DC when I was 28-32, so not especially old. Last summer throughout the holidays they spent most of my days off work coming with me to see my Ddad and arrange palliative care for him. It was unenjoyable for all of us and he passed away in the autumn. Since then they have been spending some weekend days coming with me to clear out his house. Their summer last year was pretty crap, but I'm trying to do enjoyable stuff with them as well and have not cancelled any organised activities. But they had some good memories of him before he was unwell, and I know they had a positive impact on his life too.

One set of grandparents were dead long before I was born, but the other set were alive and local throughout my childhood, and provided stability, a sense of maternal warmth and great love, when my parents couldn't. I'm closer to my DGM than my DM, and tbh I always have been since I was small.i wouldn't be who I am without them.

The original question, however, seemed to be about planning for your children's children before your own children have been conceived. I'm not sure you can ever plan two generations in advance - your own kids might not want children, they might move a long way away, or you could die unexpectedly young. Have kids when it's right for you (if it is) and let your own kids make their own decisions about having grandchildren.

Well we have 4 sets of grandparents and they’re all equally bloody useless so I’d agree sadly. It’s not that I want them to do anything but take an interest but most of them couldn’t pick my DC out of a lineup. I loved my grandparents but then on the whole they were a lot more affectionate than my own parents which is something I have always been aware of.

I’m we will be very different grandparents I think.

Hmm. My parents are amazing grandparents to my nephews and nieces - they seem them loads, look after them, comfort them, play and read with them, er, play chess with them...my oldest nephew particularly adores my Dad; I guess that's not essential, in that they would be alive with or without living GPs, but what an enrichment to their lives - I can't wait for them to meet my unborn dd

That was quite gushing...

YANBU in a general statement OP. Both my grandfathers died before I was born, my father's mother died when I was around ten, and my mother's mother died when I was 16. It was fine. I was fine.

My kids are extremely close to DH's mum and my own mum, not so close to DH's dad and my dad died three years ago. So that's lovely for them, but I dare say we would have made it work without them.

Some families rely on grandparent help for child care, but for the child? No I don't think having grandparents is necessary for a fulfilled life and wouldn't not have kids because my parents were too old/gone to be able to help me.