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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that grandparents are a lovely bonus but not essential

74 replies

PaprikaPringle · 18/01/2020 19:16

Inspired by (but not a TAAT!) a thread where OP is considering a second child at 45 ...

These threads pop up with some regularity on MN and one of the arguments against having a child at 40+ is you'll either be dead by the time your grandchildren are born or you'll be too old and decrepit to run around after them.

Whilst I accept it must be lovely to have involved grandparents, AIBU to think they are not essential to a child's happiness and well being?

OP posts:

TabbyStar · 18/01/2020 20:02

Depends on your definition of essential I guess. My DPs were essential to me as a LP with v little support from XP in looking after DD to enable me to have a decent career and start a business, I'd have had to take on something that was fewer hours and less responsibility without them and wouldn't have been able to finish my master's, so they were essential to the life we have now. But we'd still be alive without them!

Footiefan2019 · 18/01/2020 20:09

They aren’t essential. But I think for a lot of women who have a good relationship with their mum that support when they have a baby can be amazing. But I ALSO think people are getting older when they have kids and are shunning the help from family members because they have read all the books and know best etc. child rearing to me is almost folkloric and that generational advice is priceless but many people now think that no one else knows anything And accuse family of interfering if they don’t follow the rules in whatever trendy book or blog that’s de rigeur

ParkheadParadise · 18/01/2020 20:19

All my grandparents were dead before I was born.
I did have a large family (5) siblings, lots of cousins.
Dd1was very close to my parents, we lived with them for several years.
When Dd2 was born my dad had died by then and my mum had dementia.
I never had much to do with DH's parents before dd2 was born.
They see Dd2 alot and she loves spending time with them. Her birth has actually led to me having a better relationship with them.

Babybel90 · 18/01/2020 20:23

2 of my grandparents died while I was in primary school and they lived hundreds of miles away anyway so I didn’t really have a relationship with them other than once a year visits, if that.

Sure, it would have been nice to have a relationship with them but it wasn’t necessary. Saying that I come from a stable family, two parents still together and a sibling, I may feel different if I’d had a less stable upbringing.

Original poster

PaprikaPringle · 18/01/2020 20:23

Thanks for your replies. For me, my role as a parent is to raise an independent young woman. I hope I'm there for much of her adult life and it would be lovely to meet any children she might have. But some people on here are horrified that an adult in their 30s might lose a parent whereas i think your job is done by then. You're still loved (hopefully) but you're a nice bonus.

And I speak as someone who lost her much loved parents younger than 30 before I get accused of insensitivity.

OP posts:

2020BetterBeBetter · 18/01/2020 20:29

I always thought it was the concern that the parents would be dead by the time the child was an adult and not the grandparents (as that’s pretty much a given).

UndertheCedartree · 18/01/2020 20:29

@Footiefan2019 - to be fair I think you are romanticising things a bit. Not all GPs give 'priceless generational advice'. I was young when I had my first - I would have loved some help and support. The main thing I got though was criticism.

Footiefan2019 · 18/01/2020 20:32

@UndertheCedartree definitely. I’m going of my family, and extended family. Some grandparents have no place being involved with their grandchildren for whatever reason. But the inter-generation thing is important to me because of my personal circumstances

UndertheCedartree · 18/01/2020 20:34

@Footiefan2019 - I think it can be very special and it's lovely you have that relationship. I'm pretty envious, tbh!

Hotpinkangel19 · 18/01/2020 20:40

Both my parents were older parents when they had me, they both died in 2017 when I was 33. I never had grandparents really growing up, I did feel quite sad when I saw my friends with their grandparents.

cptartapp · 18/01/2020 20:42

I'd lost both my parents by 44. My DF never met my DC and my PIL are an hour away and far too tied up in my SIL and her DC lives to bother much with us. We get along just fine.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/01/2020 20:45

I guess they weren't essential but they were certainly a huge rewarding, enjoyable and enriching part of my life and it whilst my life would have been perfectly fine without them it certainly wouldn't have been as enjoyable as it has.

Montythemooseisatitagain · 18/01/2020 20:48

I wasn’t close to my grandparents so I’m not sure how much value they actually added. They all passed by the time I was 19. Some of my friends are close to their grandparents who are still alive (friends are about to turn 30).

Schuyler · 18/01/2020 21:09

They’re not essential but I think there’s something very life enhancing about having a support network of people who love and cherish and value your child just for being them. That said, I have a friend who is a single mum and lost her parents young, so her girls don’t have grandparents. However, her 2 sisters adore their nieces and shower then with love and all the things you’d want in life. I don’t feel they’ve massively missed out because they have other loving family members.

NoooorthonerMum · 18/01/2020 21:11

I agree that many kids don't have grandparents or aren't close to them so it wouldn't be a factor. I'd be concerned about the chance of dying myself before my kids grew up butI agree having grandparents isn't essential for kids.

Ipdipdogshituratit · 18/01/2020 21:17

YANBU

I never knew any of my grandparents and have never ever felt like Ive missed out.

Quartz2208 · 18/01/2020 21:19

As a 40 year who is probably about to lose her first grandmother (both are currently alive) they are definitely a lovely bonus to have and no matter how much I can rationalise my age/her age the thought is still very sad.

Even though my two have only ever had one grandmother as DH mum died before I even met him.

But that said having seen the effect dealing with elderly mums has had on my parents in their 60s and how much more my Mum has had to take on because my Uncle had children in his (late) 40s which has meant that he is trying to deal with an elderly parent and teenagers at the same time that is the downside of being an older parent

mumwon · 18/01/2020 21:21

my dm was not engaged with my dc she saw them once year when I visited her & I wasn't allowed to go other times & it had to be arranged when he said-it made me sad because I had hoped that she would share the joy of my dc -I didn't want baby sitting - can you have a good family without gp yes of course but if it works well it is a wonderful -we have all read on here about families were ops had complex relationships with pil & dp - so I wouldn't say not having gp is a reason not to have another a baby

Pipandmum · 18/01/2020 21:26

My grandparents were either dead or soon dead when I was born. My pwn parents died when my kids were 3 and 5, then two more gone at 8 and 10. One remaining who doesn't have much to do with them anyway.
My friend's parents died in their 50s so there's no gaurantee that having kids young means grandparents will be around, or that they'll be that involved.
Sure the relationship between grandparents and kids can be wonderful but I wouldn't put lack of them a reason not to have kids!

Foofedifiknow · 18/01/2020 21:29

I grew up with my GP next door and adored them esp as a teen & being an adult orphan now I know that my offspring miss out on having unconditional allies to counter balance the rules/strictness of parents . But that’s life - I accept that although the only thing that will still wind me up is —arseholes— people who have never had any losses being insensitively smug or not understanding that not everybody has a frickin army of helpers on hand at all times.

wonderstuff · 18/01/2020 21:30

I've got a grandmother but not a father, 1 in 29 children lose a parent before they're 18. We never know what's round the corner. It's also true that grandparents are distant for some children and essential for others, everyone's situation is different.

lanthanum · 18/01/2020 22:00

My grandparents were all dead by a month after my fifth birthday. My parents were 30 at that point, and there were two children to come. We were fine without grandparents. It was hard on my parents at times, I think - they weren't close to siblings either (big age-gap), so their support had to come from outside the family. But it's not a reason not to have a child - like you say, raise your child to be independent.

JaceLancs · 18/01/2020 22:07

My Dad was an older Dad and was 65 + when I had DC
I never thought he would be around long enough to see my DC grow up
He died just before Xmas at nearly 94 and has left a huge chasm in all our lives
I’m so glad we had such wonderful years

SarahAndQuack · 18/01/2020 22:12

By this logic, virtually everything is a 'lovely bonus,' though.

I know a couple of people whose dads died before they were born. They are happy, well-adjusted adults. Does that mean having a dad is a 'lovely bonus'?

I know one person whose parents died before she was three; she was fostered but, for various reasons, never placed with a family and adopted. Does that mean having parents is a 'lovely bonus'?

My own DD doesn't have a dad - never did, never will - but does that mean having a dad is a 'lovely bonus'?

It doesn't work like that.

For some people, these bonds are crucial. They would never want to bring a child into the world without them. And that is their right. We're all different when it comes to how we justify having children.

TheGinGenie · 18/01/2020 22:15

I would be sad if my children didn't have grandparents. They'd already be missing one as DP's dad died when he was a child and that does make me sad.

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