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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dh is an arse

65 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 17:58

So this morning I had a shower, quick blast of my hair with a hairdryer but didn’t “finish” my hair. Dh was outside and I started hoovering.

He came in looked at me and said “frizzy”. I stopped and asked him what he’d said, he repeated that my hair was frizzy. I quite politely said that wasn’t a nice thing to say and he got all stroppy. Accused me of being over sensitive and that it wasn’t an insult to tell someone a factual thing.

I said he wouldn’t say that to a female colleague and he said he would. I said I’m amazed any of his colleagues talk to him and he said that unlike me all his colleagues have a sense of humour. He stormed off.

I’ve been out for the afternoon and came back. As far as I was concerned it was all forgotten about. But he’s still being arsey, is barely talking to me and has said he now won’t fit a car part which needs replacing in my engine which he had said he was going to do this afternoon.

He’s like a stroppy fucking toddler. I know it’s all quite minor but I’m fed up of him belittling me and then making out I’m over reacting and it’s all just banter. He tends to be like this if there’s something he’s doing as a favour to me (ie the car thing) and I think he does it as an excuse to get out of doing it (though he offered). He does it frequently if we’re meant to be visiting my family and then he refuses to come and visit, so he will needle me on purpose until I’m slightly sharp back to him. Then he blows it out of all proportion so he has an excuse not to do something.

I’m now stuck with a car part I don’t think I can fit. So will end up paying for a car part I can’t use....and will have to take the car to a garage as it does need this new part. I’m tempted to take my car engine to bits tomorrow because it’s blocking his car in and then neither of us will be able to go anywhere until he sorts it!

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 18/01/2020 18:13

Of course he’s an arse, is he always like this?

Reallybadidea · 18/01/2020 18:14

He sounds horrible. Does he have any redeeming features?

tictac86 · 18/01/2020 18:17

Sounds like my husband and all I can say is be strong and dont ask him to do anything again, that will probably make him stroppy to but at least you can just get things done

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 18:20

Yeah he’s pretty much always like this.

He does have redeeming features, he loves the cats, he looks after me if I’m poorly, he more than helps with the housework. But he can be stroppy and grumpy and this thing of having a go at me and making out I’m being over sensitive really annoys me.

I tried talking to him again when I got back and realised he was still in a mood. He said he wasn’t prepared to talk about and then said I’m just like my mother. Seeing as I’ve been NC with her for 6 years and she’s a psychotic bitch that’s pretty much the lowest insult he could go for and he knows it.

OP posts:
lostelephant · 18/01/2020 18:23

An overreaction on your part OP but "I’m fed up of him belittling me and then making out I’m over reacting and it’s all just banter" sounds like it's about a lot more than frizzy hair and car parts.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 18:28

He's a vile manipulating gaslighting bastard.. you are not imagining His behaviour... Flowers

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 18:28

I just don’t see why he had to tell me my hair was frizzy. If I thought he was looking a bit rough I wouldn’t be rude enough to say so. 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
xmaself24 · 18/01/2020 18:35

I think you're overreacting massively. Dp and I always tell each other stuff like that. He must be walking around on eggshells. He was stating a fact. Unless there's a massive backstory....

Fishcakey · 18/01/2020 18:37

Why can't he tell you your hair is frizzy? Not getting this at all!

lanbro · 18/01/2020 18:37

Surely fitting the car part isn't a 'favour'? It's him being able to do something that saves the whole family money and inconvenience. He's an arse

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/01/2020 18:39

The ‘frizzy’ comment doesn’t sound particularly unpleasant to me, I’m afraid, OP. All you needed to do was say ‘Yes, I haven’t finished drying it yet’.

However, I don’t think your response to it justifies a day-long sulk, so whilst there is fault on both sides, there’s more fault on his, for his overreaction and sulks.

userabcname · 18/01/2020 18:39

Next time you see him, stop and say "fatty" or "spotty" or "baldy" or some other factual comment about his appearance phrased in a 'fun' way and see how he likes it.

Costacoffeeplease · 18/01/2020 18:51

I don’t think you’re over reacting at all, there was absolutely no need for him to comment on your hair. He’s being a dick

user3575796673 · 18/01/2020 18:56

Coercive control looks just like this.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 18:58

Maybe I am being a little over sensitive but I’m not confident about my appearance and he knows this. I think he probably does genuinely think there’s nothing wrong with such comments whereas I just think if you’ve nothing nice to say then don’t say it. Yes it was factual but what’s to be gained from him saying it?

I once wore a black and white striped skirt which I really like and he looked at me and told me I looked like a badger. I’ve never worn that skirt again as I can’t forget that. I’ve told him I’ve never worn it again because of what he said which he seemed to find funny.

OP posts:
Dontdisturbmenow · 18/01/2020 19:03

I'm totally with him. You must not be much fun if just making a comment that your hair is frizzy brings on so much grief.
For info, I have very frizzy hair which I straightened every day to work, but sometimes can't be bothered at weekend. My OH sometimes makes comment about it and Iaugh with him because I do look quite funny.

It's light hearted and factual. I struggle with people who take everything at heart and get offended so easily. I too would keep away from my partner if he made such a fuss over nothing.

Dontdisturbmenow · 18/01/2020 19:05

The issue is your self-confidence. If he feels comfortable telling you things like this, it's because he loves no matter what your hair looks like. That's the beauty of love.

You making such a fuss over it though is what is not so attractive. He is honest with you because he feels he can. Work on loving yourself and appreciating that others can love for who you are, not who you try hard to be.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 19:07

I do agree that I have issues. I spent my whole childhood/adult life being put down by my mum who would call me ugly/fat/stupid, etc.

He knows this.

OP posts:
Ingridla · 18/01/2020 19:09

Sounds like you both get het up over the little things although if I'd been you I'd have replied with 'yeh I haven't put serum in it yet' like, it's so insignificant, unless there's an undercurrent of stuff that these tiny things are representative of I think you need to chill out. Hugs anyway x

Elieza · 18/01/2020 19:12

I think you must have low self esteem if you take a comment about a badger or your frizzy hair being frizzy so seriously. Perhaps that’s something you could work on. Change whatever it is about yourself you don’t like. To quote ru paul “if you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love someone else”.

Just make a stupid comment back. “Yeah, I’m a killer badger with sharp claws, grrr”. Or “yeah my big hairs like crystal tips and Alastair” (kids big hair cartoon from 70s) or whatever.

Do it back to him. When he’s looking a bit rough say something cheeky but factual in the same tone he says things to you. See how he reacts. He should be able to take it if he dishes it out! If not you can always snip back at him “you didn’t like that did you, well now you know how I feel when you put me down. Dont do it again please” or somesuch.

And don’t pay someone to fit the car part. He’ll do it when he calms down. One of your as bad as the other! Grin

Elieza · 18/01/2020 19:13

Cross posted there.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 19:14

Thanks everyone, it’s helpful to hear some outside views.

OP posts:
TwinkleFoes · 18/01/2020 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

makingmammaries · 18/01/2020 19:23

I would quite like to have frizzy hair.

Sorry, OP, but the badger skirt thing made me laugh. Would you rather have him telling you that it makes you look like a badger or everyone else thinking it?

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 18/01/2020 19:25

He sounds like an unkind mean wanker - and a lot of people on this thread need to set their bars a fuck of a lot higher.