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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think dh is an arse

65 replies

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 17:58

So this morning I had a shower, quick blast of my hair with a hairdryer but didn’t “finish” my hair. Dh was outside and I started hoovering.

He came in looked at me and said “frizzy”. I stopped and asked him what he’d said, he repeated that my hair was frizzy. I quite politely said that wasn’t a nice thing to say and he got all stroppy. Accused me of being over sensitive and that it wasn’t an insult to tell someone a factual thing.

I said he wouldn’t say that to a female colleague and he said he would. I said I’m amazed any of his colleagues talk to him and he said that unlike me all his colleagues have a sense of humour. He stormed off.

I’ve been out for the afternoon and came back. As far as I was concerned it was all forgotten about. But he’s still being arsey, is barely talking to me and has said he now won’t fit a car part which needs replacing in my engine which he had said he was going to do this afternoon.

He’s like a stroppy fucking toddler. I know it’s all quite minor but I’m fed up of him belittling me and then making out I’m over reacting and it’s all just banter. He tends to be like this if there’s something he’s doing as a favour to me (ie the car thing) and I think he does it as an excuse to get out of doing it (though he offered). He does it frequently if we’re meant to be visiting my family and then he refuses to come and visit, so he will needle me on purpose until I’m slightly sharp back to him. Then he blows it out of all proportion so he has an excuse not to do something.

I’m now stuck with a car part I don’t think I can fit. So will end up paying for a car part I can’t use....and will have to take the car to a garage as it does need this new part. I’m tempted to take my car engine to bits tomorrow because it’s blocking his car in and then neither of us will be able to go anywhere until he sorts it!

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 18/01/2020 19:27

And fucking quoting Ru Paul as a piece of useful advice...words fail me.

katy1213 · 18/01/2020 19:29

You sound as bad as each other.

CloudonLegs · 18/01/2020 19:32

So it's ok to just stand in front of someone and say a random 'fact' and walk off? That's not rude? Confused

OP would he be fine about it if you did it to him?

RickOShay · 18/01/2020 19:33

I think the low blow is the comment that you are like your mother. That’s meant to hurt, the comment about your hair, possibly not. Why does he want to hurt you? That’s what I would be asking myself.

MashedSpud · 18/01/2020 19:41

You both sound childish.

You need to get help about your abusive past. We can’t expect people to tread on eggshells around us. It’s about us dealing with past events so we aren’t as affected by comments or situations.

He needs to manage his sulky behaviour and also be more understanding without the whole eggshells thing.

Learn to be nicer to each other.

Booberella9 · 18/01/2020 19:42

The badger skirt made me laugh too. I think you're taking yourself too seriously. If my DH said I looked like a badger I'd laugh. And then every time I wore the skirt I'd sing the badger song to him.

But it sounds like there's more going on than just a few comments. Are you the kind of person who wears a full face / has to be done up ? Maybe the constant focus on appearance is grating. I would find it irritating if my DP was spending hours getting ready every day and was insecure about their appearance. I would also feel rejected, as if my love wasn't enough to make them feel confident.

Neverender · 18/01/2020 19:44

Let's break it down...

Person A said something horrible and unnecessary
Person B was upset

In any other universe person A would apologise. But in relationships you're allowed to say whatever you like, right? Erm...nope.

Tell him to fuck off with his mood reversal. Knobber.

midnightmisssuki · 18/01/2020 19:46

I think it depends what your relationship is like - it wouldn’t bother me if my husband said something like this to me, if I knew he was joking - we have that sort of relationship though.

I think you have bigger problems though op and this tipped you over the edge.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 19:47

Well I always wear foundation before going to work, etc but I certainly don’t spend hours getting ready. I can do foundation, eyeliner and lipstick in about 2 minutes. So don’t think I’m annoying him with that.

OP posts:
WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 18/01/2020 19:55

I swear people must be reading a completely different thread. Hmm

So someone who is meant to love you repeatedly comments negatively and hurtfully on your appearance, finds it funny when you tell him you are upset by this, regularly strops, compares you to your Mother even though he knows she is an unpleasant enough person that you don't have any contact with her, regularly sulks and he refuses to do previously agreed things like replacing a car part as punishment for you.

And yet this is your fault, as clearly you're just not much fun, you need to chill out, you have low self esteem, you're childish, get help and clearly you wear a full face of make up!

Fuck me. People set their bar and their expectations low, don't they? That's your choice but don't bloody encourage OP to do so and then tell her to assume all the blame for being upset by this fucking prince amongst men.

You deserve better OP.

1Morewineplease · 18/01/2020 20:03

I’m not sure why you think that “frizzy” is offensive.
Your partner clearly is looking for ‘get out clauses.’
I really think that you should both go for counselling.
Snippety sniping like you’ve described sounds very unhealthy and very immature.

TheCrowFromBelow · 18/01/2020 20:04

OP: he knows about your mother. This isn't about what other posters can laugh off (or are weirdly projecting like booberella ) - he's meant to have your back and support you.

DP would not comment that if he knew it would upset me, he woudl let me kwno rather than leave the house with my skirt tucked into my pants (a recent near miss!) but he wouldn't just walk in and say something about my hair the way your DH has.
The refusing to do your car is utterly childish.

You do both need to talk about it.

VivaLeBeaver · 18/01/2020 20:12

Well he appears to be giving me the silent treatment now.

OP posts:
RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 18/01/2020 20:14

Well, he is a gaslighting mildly controlling arse. He sets you up for an argument when he does not want to do something. This is not what a good partner looks like, but maybe he is good enough. I would not take the insults myself.

ElbasAbsentPenis · 18/01/2020 20:16

He is a nasty, gaslighting, sulking child. Good for you for calling him out on it. Do what you need to get your car fixed and then leave.

Zofloramummy · 18/01/2020 20:27

All I can say is OMG life is so much more than living with this kind of petty behaviour. He reminds me of my ex who also used to insult me and tell me it was banter and I had no sense of humour.

He was also the king of engineering an argument to get out of stuff he didn’t want to do.

I’ve been single nearly 2 years. My life is sooo much better. YANBU, there are people who happily rib each other daily in relationships but it’s based on a knowledge that they ultimately respect each other and isn’t targeted at your weak spots.

Ihavehadenoughalready · 18/01/2020 20:27

My STBX is famous for promising something to the kids and then taking it all back if one of them says one word wrong, as an excuse not to have to do the thing, but to act like he would have if they were perfect. Which is unreasonable, because he knew they wouldn't be perfect and knew he wouldn't really have to do it. But still get their hopes up time and time again. It's sick. And effing lazy.

Sounds like you have one of those.

mauvaisereputation · 18/01/2020 20:28

I wouldn't take frizzy as an insult tbh, even less would I get upset about being called a badger in a black and white skirt. I would find it difficult being with someone so sensitive about what I would see as quite light-hearted comments. However, his sulking all afternoon is clearly unreasonable (unless there was a longer argument that you are missing out). I think you need to talk it out with him.

Thefaceofboe · 18/01/2020 20:31

Sorry I think you are being ott being annoyed because he said frizzy Confused your hair probably was frizzy.

TheCrowFromBelow · 18/01/2020 20:44

I'd laugh at badger skirt thing, so what, it utterly irrelevant to the OP.
She doesn't, and wont, and her DH knows it will upset her. And then he is trying to blame his moodiness on her.

willothewispa · 18/01/2020 20:50

Yes, he's an arse.

Corna · 18/01/2020 20:57

If I had a quid for everytime my idiot ex boyfriend said 'Can't you take a joke?' Whilst not being actually funny at all or remotely able to ever laugh at himself, I'd be a rich woman.

MereDintofPandiculation · 18/01/2020 21:21

I once wore a black and white striped skirt which I really like and he looked at me and told me I looked like a badger. You'd only look like a badger if you were wearing it on your head. Badgers don't have black and white stripes on their bodies.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2020 21:28

Can you call him on it? My DH used to do a bit of this when it was a family party. He'd 'feel ill'. Every time. I used to laugh at him. He was stroppy the first couple of times but then he had to admit it looked suspicious!

However, if it's a wider issue of being a dickhead, that's another thing.

BumbleBeee69 · 18/01/2020 22:23

Fuck me. People set their bar and their expectations low, don't they? That's your choice but don't bloody encourage OP to do so and then tell her to assume all the blame for being upset by this fucking prince amongst men.

You deserve better OP.

Spot on...