Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

Absolutely Mimi Obviously a healthy lifestyle reduces the risks of many illnesses but it doesn't eliminate any.
Plus I don't think all the Pilates in the world will stop someone conceiving a baby with Down or Edwards Syndrome etc.
Not that that is necessarily a reason for an older woman to decide not to try to conceive, but I think it would be foolish not to consider the possibility, and how you would handle things. Yes we have prenatal diagnosis and the option of an abortion, but that isn't without risks of its own.
There isn't a one size fits all answer, but it is incredibly naive to believe that being fit and having good doctors can protect from all ills.

Personally no. My mother had my sister at 45 (accidental baby!) and sis is healthy and loved our DM more than any of us she was the favourite, but I'm not bitter, no.

My DM was the youngest, fittest, healthiest eating, trim, youthful person you’d ever meet at 65 and then she got Alzheimer’s

By that logic, since my DF died aged 37 and DMIL died in her 40s, OP should have completed her family in primary school. Regardless of when you have children, not everybody will have four surviving grandparents.

I only had one living GP when I was born, and my parents had me in their 20s. DP only had one living GP and one estranged one (he walked out on his first family when DMIL was a child), and his DPs had him in their 20s too. People die at every age, you can’t

Also love these children of older parents complaining that their parents are too old to play with the grandchildren - if that was a major concern, you could have had your own children in your early 20s and then your parents would only have been in their 60s. If you have DC young enough to “play with” and your parents are in their 80s, you obviously had your own kids pretty late in life as well 🤷‍♀️

Ignore the idiots on here telling you no.

Charming. So anyone who points out the drawbacks, largely based on their own personal experience, is an idiot?

I will say though- there is a lot of naivety on this thread. People saying that if you "keep fit and eat healthy" you'll live to 100 with no health problems.

Mimi, give a single example of one person in this very long thread saying this. I don't think you'll find one saying anything so daft.

My posts only say that a healthy lifestyle reduces the risk of dying prematurely or getting some health problems. And that a person's biological age is just as relevant as their chronological age in terms of their life expectancy. Both those statements are a matter of fact. No one is suggesting for a second that a healthy lifestyle eliminates risk!

Regardless of when you have children, not everybody will have four surviving grandparents

The thread isn't about older grandparents. Its about older PARENTS. The OP was talking about having a child at age 45. That means she'll be 60 when the kid is 15. Being a parent of a teenager at 60 is not remotely the same as being a grandparent at age 60. The chances of a 15 having to take on the role of carer to his/her parents is greater the later you have kids.

Listen... the old blokes on viagra are having kids in their 50-60-70's Nicholson, Baldwin, Trump, Jagger, Goldblum, Joel, Lucas, Steve Martin, Michael Douglas, Hefner, Willis... shall I go on??? ....so its bloody time they laid off women.

Definitely, I agree but in fairness and playing devil's advocate a bit here, the older men having children in their 70s are having them with women in their 20s and 30s, while older mothers are more often than not having children with men their age or older.

So although these men in their 70s have lower sperm quality which can result in birth defects their children have at least one young parent who will definitely not only outlive their father but have better health prospects while raising their child. Unlike when both parents are in their 60s with dependent children.

I personally do think men should have a cut off age as well though.

I had one at 44, so yes. He's now 8 and has ADHD, which isn't terrible, but it is tiring. He's my last, so he's treasured.

Personally, no. I’m tired already and I’m not yet 40. My youngest is 8, and I have no desire for such a huge age gap. I really don’t like night feeding.

Nope. Definitely done! :o

@Sakura7 I’m curious why it offends people, women & men it seems, when women are perceived to buck nature yet have NOTHING to say when men do it. So lets see…

• You pointed out endlessly the older mother drawbacks; there’s great genetic testing avail now for Downs and 100 other conditions that don’t even involve risky amnio’s anymore.

• Autism - new research indicates old/deficient SPERM as cause so maybe we should stop blaming women for every biological nightmare?!

Jeff Goldblum father at 63, Baldwin 61, his 4th, last count Jagger 73 on his 8th, if they were women they’d be uproar.

Lets be clear, the reason these old blokes er… 'function' with much younger women is Viagra. Not offended that the NHS /insurance pick up their jollies bill while women pay hundreds of pounds over their lifetime for tampons??? I am.

Nor do I see the threads wailing these kids will statistically be orphaned at 10-15 or in Jaggers’ case 5. Perhaps because they’re male, —white— and wealthy..again?!!

Btw there’s a 58% increase in older men having kids and trend is up. Baylor College found 86 congenital problems linked to older fatherhood from dwarfism, cancer to schizophrenia. Ohh.. whats that...sound of silence ??!

From birth control, abortion, now later child bearing the peanut gallery involves itself in women’s fertility, calling them selfish and are sooo enraged. Yet an eerie silence when 60-80 year old men procreate. It’s bloody hypocrisy and its time it stopped.

Horses for courses, 20 year olds can struggle to get pregnant / carry babies to term, not every older woman can /should have a kid. Science should benefit women AND men, and that it can extend child birth years allowing some women to have a career, build wealth, AND have a kid later if she wants is MARVELLOUS.

OP you had a child at 40 and ff you’re fit and healthy and want another, think like Jagger you'll be 30 yrs younger go for it and ignore the fear mongering hypocrites on here !!

If I feel pregnant naturally and unexpectedly and that age then I’d continue the pregnancy.

I certainly wouldn’t be trying at that age. I’d probably be considering it if I had no children and was going to use donor eggs.

@iwunderwhy Ok, you are massively projecting here. I'm talking about older parents, men and women, and the impact that their age has on the child growing up. I have never once said it's fine for men to be older parents but not women. If you bother to read my posts it's pretty clear I'm speaking from experience of having a 45 year old father and the difficulties that has caused.

You pointed out endlessly the older mother drawbacks; there’s great genetic testing avail now for Downs and 100 other conditions that don’t even involve risky amnio’s anymore.

I didn't do anything of the sort, I pointed out what the experience of growing up with an older parent is like for the child. I'm talking about medium to long term here, other posters have talked about pregnancy risks, etc.

Nor do I see the threads wailing these kids will statistically be orphaned at 10-15 or in Jaggers’ case 5. Perhaps because they’re male, —white— and wealthy..again?!!

They get plenty of criticism. I don't know why you think I would be approving of them when I've spoken about the difficulties associated with having an older father.

Iwunder what are you on about? Who blames women specifically for every biological nightmare as you put it? Certainly no one on this thread.

Not in a million years, my youngest will be leaving school by then and I feel much too old now let alone in another ten years time.
That said, to even be thinking about it you must be fitter and more comfortable than me so I say do what's right for you

There is no eerie silence over men of 50, 60, 70 procreating, and unless the woman is using a sperm donor (which they may be for all we know) the man is not ‘bucking nature.’ His sperm may be poor quality but he’s still impregnating someone with it in the way nature intended. Although point taken about Viagra.

Women undergoing IVF because they can’t conceive naturally are bucking nature whatever their age. But we all buck nature every time we really on modern medicine or technology to solve a biological/health problem.

I’m sure if you were a fly on the wall you’d hear many people express concern about much older dads, But let’s face it, without a much younger woman presumably asking them to have a baby it wouldn’t be happening at all. I’m pretty sure in almost all cases it’s driven by their new relationships with much younger, often childless partners. That much is obvious on the current thread asking how old your DCs dad was when you conceived. Loads and loads of big age gaps with the men having older kids from previous relationships.

Women need to be made more aware of the risks of TTC with much older men. It’s not just the woman’s age that’s an issue - far from it.

Yes there are real risks with older men being dads because of the quality of sperm. But lets face it, these men will be doing very little actual childcare. It will be the mothers.

Can't remember what I posted earlier but to the points about older Dads, I think it's really important for any older parents to have good support networks in place before they TTC, i.e. younger family members or close friends who would step up if something did happen to them. Plus life insurance and solid finances as you can't just expect someone else to provide for your child. I'd definitely think about what my DC would need in the worse case scenario before TTC.

One of my friends' Dad's (early 60's) is currently battling advanced cancer. She's an independent adult, but if she were a teen, I'd want everything in place for her future care. He was an athletic person when I first knew him, took part in competitive sports...it can happen to anyone.

Personally, I wouldn't. I had my last baby at 30 and now have 2 teenagers. It is exhausting, its expensive, I am constantly driving them places and having their friends over for sleepovers or worrying about their exams / coursework. I have never-ending piles of smelly sports kits to be washed, the fridge is always being raided and my hairdryer and posh shampoo always used. Im so over it. I love them unconditionally but bloody hell its hard. Im 43 now and would not want to do this in my fifties. Instead, I want to have time to travel more, work less and relax.

@cjpark Your life sounds like mine right now!

I love my two to bits, but I'm SO tired of all the lifts, activities, nagging about homework...and things constantly being eaten or used up (without telling me). I have the same ambitions for my fifties!

My honest opinion do what makes you happy, many were priviledge to start a family young but some arent like a few of us. Needless to say, if you are going to have a great support network and you think you are mentally and physically able to start trying, go for it but if not then have a rethink cos having a baby at 45 is really draining if you are not going to be fully supported.

No. I was considered a geriatric pregnancy at 38! I feel my age now I'm 41. In my mind, 40 was always the cut off point for me. I still get broody, but my head rules my heart these days.

I have 3 friends who have children at 45. One, it was the third child and an happy accident, for the other two it was the second child when they didnt expect to conceive, having had IVF for the first children.

I can say all 3 are very good mums. The first one had a career break and returned to work following college course to a new career, the second one went part time and the other one doesnt work.

Of course the teen years are challenging whatever age you are as a parent!

Good luck with whatever choices are made.

Personally, no. I'm a grandmother at 43 and even though my youngest is 8 yrs old the difference between raising him and having my gorgeous toddler grand-child around is startling.

But in your position I just might. You know what it means to have kids at a later stage and it's obviously worked for you. The main questions I'd ask myself are:

• Would I still be 45 when I gave birth, or would I be closer to 50?
• Would it be an advantage for my current child to have a sibling when caring for aged parents right around the time they will start their own families, or will it be an additional burden having to play the role of 'responsible eldest' if the second LO is a natural firecracker?

I’m 48 and DH is 51. Our twins (IVF pregnancy and my first children) are 5 months old today. We had been trying for a couple of year when we were told we’d need IVF to conceive, we paid for treatment and were successful on our second cycle. I had a really healthy pregnancy and straightforward c section delivery (by choice not necessity) and was up and about less than 24 hours after deliver. My husband has older children aged 30 and 26 and we have 3 grandchildren (one of whom was born 2 weeks after our boys and was on the same ward as us at the same time).

There will be plenty of people who disagree with our choices and wouldn’t do it for themselves but, for us it was the right decision and everything is going really well for us all at the moment.

Donor egg Rememberball ?