Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

@WhoKnowsWhatsAroundTheCorner When I'm 60 my eldest two will be 33 and 30 so her brothers can sort our their stroppy half-sister!! 😂

Not for me. But if you are both on board with this then yes, perhaps it's right for your family.

Female life expectancy in the UK averages at 82.9. So on average, the child born to a 45 year old mother would be 37.9 when she dies

So roughly half of women will make it to that age and half won't. Of those who do, they are likely to have several years of declining health before they get to that point, at which point the child will be expected to provide support. The chances of living to 82, fully independent and with no significant health issues are low.

My dad has outlived the average life expectancy for men, which looks good on paper. But that's not the whole story, he developed dementia in his late 60s and it progressed through his 70s. I was in my 20s, it's a lot to deal with at that age. I'm by far the youngest 'child' who visits a parent in the nursing home, most are in their 50s and 60s. Many have grandchildren my age. It's shit.

I would. I used to think no but I am still single and hitting 40. I have an adult child but always wanted more. Never say never is what I say.

That’s the worst reason ever Iblinked.

Choosing to go it alone is tough on you, but that’s your choice. Choosing to go it alone is bloody tough on the child and they have NO choice.

Coupled with the fact that there is a significant risk that you could die and leave that child with no parent at all in its life, while it is still a child itself, which as has been pointed out many times is MUCH MUCH more likely than if you were younger, and the very real risk that the child could have disabilities and SNs, yours is a purely selfish whim that you are not thinking through.

Understandable perhaps, if you are desperate to be a mother. But you already are a mother. So it’s just selfish entitlement and short sighted madness.

The DH of one of my closest friends has developed Alzheimer's at the age of 60, so you never know what's ahead of you. Going it alone at 45 is very wrong.

Single adopters do it at that age, but they really have to demonstrate to SS that they have a good support network. And they adopt older children.

Also adopting a child (especially one with SNs or from a very deprived or dysfunctional background or developing country where a child languishing in the care system has very poor outcomes) is to save a child already in existence and to give it the chance of knowing the love and security other children can take for granted. Okay so it may end sadly if the older lone parent dies, but that child’s life would have been doomed to sadness anyway, so a chance of normal loving family albeit with some risk is better than no chance at all.

It’s totally different to choosing to bring another child into the world in less than ideal conditions.

I agree as an adoptive mum myself (not single). There isn't a whole lot of young couples wanting to adopt anyway, as obviously young couples mostly want their own bio DC, which we did when we first married but couldn't.

I just did and it's bliss . Obvs hard work but just lovely. 5 year old and 2 year old too. Good luck!!

We were super lucky I know, conceived very easily and quickly ( I told my DH there was about 1% chance) so he knew it was unlikely. Happened few months later. Pregnancy amazing, birth great and many other forty something mums in north london private schools TTC or pregnant too. Not saying will be like this for everyone but I think you should try at least. Best of luck!!

I had ds at 45. He was not planned, I’d been told I probably couldn’t have children about 10 years earlier after an undiagnosed twisted ovarian cyst had caused a bad abdo infection. So for me it was a never to be repeated chance. I had an uneventful pregnancy and ds is perfect.
He’s now 11 and all good so far. I will work until he is 18, so I’ll be 63.
I’ve been careful to stay fit, don’t drink much, good energy levels.
Would I have had a second? Not sure. Go with your instinct.

Not planning on it! At 46 I feel too old

@booseysmum Thank you xx. From initially thinking that there was only 1% chance at my age I now know that Google is unreliable as a means of contraception! X

Personally, no way. I am fifty and my DC have all flown the nest. Although I have plenty of energy, work in childcare and provide childcare for DGC, I have a fair amount of free time, love my sleep and am able to switch off at the end of the day.

Stick not twist for me!

If you’re fit and have the support network why not?
I had an early menopause so glad I had DC in my early thirties, but age these days is much more relative than a generation ago.
I think older parents make better, more patient parents IMHO. Yes your energy levels will be waning in your late 50’s but provided you make an effort to stay fit and healthy no worse than many unfit parents in their thirties.
I had a very young DP who had me in their early twenties. It was her parents, my DGP who were in their mid forties/early fifties who really were far better at parenting than my own DP who I think kind of resented having a child while they themselves were kids. My grandparents only lived till I was in my late twenties as they both died close to their 70th birthday but the love and attn they poured on me was so wonderful I credit them with my resilience and sanity. My DM was another matter altogether, and even though only 20 years older than me wasn’t always able to be the support I’d hoped for when my own DC were born and she was only 50.

So if you have that support network in place should something go wrong in your sixties don’t hesitate.
Unlike younger parents you will be able to parent in a kinder, wiser way which only years of life experience can provide. That’s a wonderful gift to give any child.

Choosing to go it alone is tough on you, but that’s your choice. Choosing to go it alone is bloody tough on the child and they have NO choice

I know a lot of single parents

Yes it is hard work but they are the happiest group of people I know.

This fear of becoming a single parent isnt matched by the people I know living it.

AllideasAndNoAction I was in the care system. (Ultra dysfunctional family)
Maybe I was a strange child but the idea of some do gooder rescuing me was something I didn’t want. I actually loved being in care.

I was away from my family and was pretty much surrounded by friends.

My dad was in his 50s when we were born. Fit, healthy and an excellent dad.

I really do laugh when I read melodramatic phrases like ‘I wouldn’t do that to my kids’.....

Olivers Well if you emerged from the care system happy, well rounded, emotionally stable and undamaged then that’s fantastically great news but unfortunately it’s not the norm, not by a very long shot.

Quite @trixie!
Also the nonsense about menopause making us unfit to parent ...what I do read from those who had their kids young is “I wanted to be done with it so I could enjoy life in my 40’s, etc”
I mean why have kids at all? The joy of having kids is a journey for life. Not something to “be done with” to get on with the rest of your life.
Sure the teenage years are trying but OP will only be in her fifties by then and I’m sure super fit and able to parent in a much thoughtful and wiser way due to life experience.
It’s not the age but how you parent and how you cherish your kids that’s most critical to their future independence and well being.
Go for it OP!

@Oliversmumsarmy That's why adoption doesn't work well for older children. If you had decent foster carers, I can see why you have good memories of being in care.

One of my DNephews married a girl who grew up in care and still has a close relationship with her foster carer.

It's too simplistic to say that care is necessarily a bad place to be, but sadly for a lot of children it is. My DDs' birth mum grew up in care and was in over 10 different residential homes.

I've always felt that the system let her down. All they've really done for her is take her DC off her. It was the only decision to make as it was a very unsafe home for a baby to say the least, with DV as well. But it was their fault that her life turned out the way it did.

@SoyYo Its not that menopause makes us unfit to parent. Its that some of us such as me are going through it now and parenting teenagers. I am one of those having severe symptoms and dealing with elderly parents who need care. I could not have coped with this and tiny children.

The question wasn’t “are older parents fit parents” but would you want a baby at 45 and for many of us it’s a resounding no! God people are so sensitive! Answering no isn’t a searing indictment on all older parents.

That's why adoption doesn't work well for older children. If you had decent foster carers, I can see why you have good memories of being in care

I first went into care when I was 2 years old and can still remember that first time and how great I felt not having to deal with my mother.

Not getting shouted at. Not having to watch what she was feeding me.

I was then handed back to her time and time again.

I was in a care home not with foster parents.