Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

Also about 'not being mature enough in 20s' I think that's not true, I had my first in mid 20s and was a qualified teacher having worked with young Dc for several years at that point. The energy and patience I had then was far greater than I do now, in 40s and going through perimenopause.

I had DC in my late teens, 20’s and early 30’s, the 30’s were the hardest for me.

No only because that's too much of an age gap now.

Personally, no way. But go for it if that's what you want.

I had my first 27 - I am not saying your 20s is too young. But I am saying I can’t imagine having a baby being 20 for example just as I can’t at 40. I would have been far too immature! I think it’s rare for someone early 20s or younger to have a planned baby.

I don’t see why people are so scathing about older parents but younger parents are supposedly not open to comment.

I had my first at 21 and my second at 40. It's the best thing I ever did. Her big brother worships the ground she walks on.
However we're did go into this with our eyes wide open, aware that if we're had a baby with any issues it works be our DS who would be forced to take ttheir sibling on when we became too old, so we had every kind of screening available as early as possible in the pregnancy, privately when necessary, with a view to terminating the pregnancy if there was a high risk. (With my first pregnancy I wouldn't have considered this as I was young enough to raise a disabled child). We were lucky and had a healthy baby, first time, naturally. I did suggest trying for a sibling but my DH felt he didn't want to risk it when we had been so fortunate.
So my advise would be yes try, but be very aware of the risks and have a firm plan in place of what you will do if there are any complications before you start.

@ChanklyBore
I mentioned the risk of miscarriage earlier and wondered what it would be at age 45, so I googled it.

At 35 it is 20%

At 45 it is 80%

That’s not true at all it’s 50% at age 45, so still high but nothing like what you posted.

Omg the brain fog. Am 45 can’t remember anything!

Not a chance.

Some very negative comments about younger mums here. People leave their children with young nursery staff to look after them during the day and have no issue with that... just because someone is younger doesn’t mean they can’t be good parents or good carers.

(And yes I know there are equally a lot of negative comments about older parents here too)!

It’s obvious that the ideal, optimum age is from 25 to 40. Under 25 you are unlikely to have the emotional maturity, the financial stability and your relationship may not stand the rest of time or the pressures responsibilities put upon it.

Over 40 those things are probably ( but not always) less of an issue but other factors are against you.

For most people fifteen years is a pretty wide and sufficient window within which to get your child bearing done and dusted. There will always be some people for whom life doesn’t work out like that but far too many people now are actively choosing to delay parenthood until post 40 for career and lifestyle reasons, not just because they didn’t meet the right bloke/girl yet.

Then they want to be able to fall back on IVF and egg donation. Those things are no picnic and there is no guaranteed happy ending, yet it seems they are viewed as a perfectly normal and inevitable part of the lifestyle choice of people who want it all without compromise.

It used to be the only hope for women who could not conceive any other way regardless of their age. Now it’s just another tool to enable privileged people to cheat nature and have elastic time.

Messing with nature is rarely without repercussions. It’s looking as though increased levels of autism may be one such repercussion.

It’s obvious that the ideal, optimum age is from 25 to 40.

I would say 25-35 actually. Risks increase from 35

I would say 35-40 is late, and people should really aim to have their family before this, particularly if they want more than one.

40-45 is really getting on. It's personal choice of course, but I wold say the risks really need to be considered.

Over 45 is too old.

No, my personal 'cut off' age was 35, but I had my first at 27, second at 34 and my third at 35. I have to say though my first pregnancy was the hardest, although having SPD with the others was painful and made looking after the child/children I had trickier.

It's a more difficult choice for you if you had your first at 40, but I think if I was you and had had my first at 40 and wanted another I would have had them closer together and had another one before now.

I am 46 now and my youngest is 11 and I cannot imagine having another at my age, I'm starting to get the usual aches and pains that seem to start in your 40's and I would find it very hard to get down on the floor to play with a baby/toddler and run around after them nowadays.

I had school friends with older parents and now they are my age they have mostly lost their parents and their parents always seemed to be a bit out of touch when my friends were younger.

I think it's unfair to knowingly increase the risk of leaving your children without parents/having to care for elderly parents when they are likely to need your support/have their own young families to manage too.

The risks to you during and after pregnancy are higher as well I believe as you get older, and to the baby. There's no guarantee that any pregnancy will result in a healthy child, but the odds decrease as you age.

How would you, your DH and your existing dc cope with a severely disabled child? It would take attention and time away from your current dc, is extremely stressful, it affects your ability to work and may lead to a need to lifelong care for another dc, together with the extra worry of who would look after them once you and DH were no longer here .

I would focus on enjoying the dc you have and the fact that there is so much you can do more easily with one than with multiple children. It is hard coming to terms with the fact that you may not have another child but there are positives for you, your DH and your dc .

No i wouldn't, but I already have two. I'm 43, and had mine aged 29 & 36. In your situation I might consider it

I don’t see why people are so scathing about older parents but younger parents are supposedly not open to comment.

I don't think posters here are 'scathing' about older parents. There are very real risks associated with having a baby at 45. Some people want to ignore this and tell themselves it'll be fine and the bad stuff will never happen to them, but there's no reason why posters who understand the reality (through experience) should keep quiet and pretend everything was rosy when it wasn't.

There have been lots of comments against having children young too. If OP was saying "I'm 19 and desperate to have a baby now" she would be getting far more posters telling her not to do it.

I posted earlier about the financial implications especially if you are going down the private school route.

I am 50. DS1 is in L6th (yr 12) and DS2 in yr 8. DH is 54
So
2 x school fees until around 52 & 56
1x school and 1x uni until 55 & 59
1 x school fees until 57 & 61
1x uni until 60 & 64 (we will save in advance to cover this if we can)

We are targeting paying off the mortgage by 57 & 61

Neither of us want to be obliged to work at the level needed to cover school fees and uni costs into our mid 60’s. We may choose to but we want it to be a choice.

You may need to think about the implications of having to generate a high level of income well into your 60s.

No such thing as peri-menopause. It's all menopause & should be treated accordingly. I know this is OT so apologies, but it's a massive pet hate of mine. Putting 'peri' in front is a way for society (aka men) to minimise our suffering & tell us to shut up & get on with it. Doesn't happen with male age related problems. Do we call the occasional failure to get a hard on 'peri-ED' & tell them to tolerate it for a few years due to it not being as bad as it could be yet?

@BugBasher I think I love you.

No, I'm in my early 50s now and barely have the energy for my teens, I really wouldn't want to be coping with a 15 yo at 60

I think having experience of other peoples teenagers and dealing with your own when the time comes are two very different things. As a child of older parents, given my own experience, I wouldn’t recommend it, but also on the wider topic, given the current world and national climate, in all senses, and the fact that your own circumstances could change, possibly dramatically, because we never know what life has in store, then I think another child at your age could be very challenging indeed. My decision certainly wouldn’t be swayed by an existing child’s request .

And I think too much emphasis is put on coping as an older parents in the early days of sleepless nights and toddler tantrums. Believe me this is nothing, NOTHING compared to coping with the emotional, behavioural, social and hormonal ups and downs of parenting teenagers. That’s what you need to conserve your real energy for. Parenting little people at pushing 45 or 50 are going to be easier than big kids at over 60, and in the case of some dads, pushing 70.

Not to mention the considerable expense just at a time in life when you are tired of working and would really quite like to be able to take it a bit easier and get off the treadmill. No chance of that if you’ve still got kids to put through uni.

I think overall what this thread demonstrates is the need for women to be given proper education about realities like the menopause and fertility decline. There is a VERY great need for the medical profession to acknowledge that womens health is greatly affected by the so called 'peri-menopause'. There are doctors who specialise in this area but they are often private. If you are dealing with symptoms like brain fog, there are things you can do and treatment that can be given.

If by age 30, older parenthood of looks more likely maybe as women we should be encouraged to plan financially for IVF earlier, health insurance, etc.

We have a lot to deal with.

No. Never

No chance of that if you’ve still got kids to put through uni.

To be fair many students have no parental support by way of finances. I knew many people who worked through their degrees. I think people are judging the OPs situation by an ideal of parenthood which doesn't always exist for many.

I had two children in my 20s and Another 2 in my late 30s and then number 5 at 42 and last but not least number 6 at 44. So yes I would and I have had no bad moments at all se no regrets.

I definitely would, but in full knowledge of the potential for issues or disabilities. I'm amazed at some of the answers on here, especially "my cut off was 35" - well lucky you for having your life in a place where you could make that choice! Smug much?

I'm 33 and pregnant with my first. I'd love to have three kids but will see how we manage with one for starters. I'd have no qualms at parenting a teenager in my 60s - yes it would be challenging, but if you keep yourself healthy there's no reason you can't. People seem to think 60 is decrepit!