Would you have a baby at 45?

[84wood]

Hello

I am considering having another baby. We’ve already got a lovely DC who’s 5 and we’ve really enjoyed being parents. I had a trouble free pregnancy and had my child privately so I’m lucky to know all the best doctors and units. I’m also in very good health. It would be a bit of a financial struggle as DC is in a private school but not impossible. How would you feel? Would you try?
Thanks so much for reading and for any advice.

I don't think 46 is too old for a baby, most people are up to that. Although everyone I know that has had babies spread over a wide range of ages says it does get harder as you get older.
But you will be at least 46 when your baby is born And I think 62 is too old for a 16-year old.
And I know people cope with a 16 year old at 62, but it is far from ideal. It is fine to cope with less than ideal situations for parenting, plenty of us do. It is different to plan for a less than ideal situation.

I had my kids when 29-40. Physically 40 was no harder then 29. I felt the same inside. My pregnancy at 29 was life threatening as I developed pre eclampsia. But at 41 I was consultant lead and watched like a hawk. I had a MC at 43. So personally I would have another at 45. No one thinks I'm 45, so no granny comments so far. I think much past 45 is pushing it as you need to consider your age parenting a teen. Unless you have a teen it's easy to underestimate how emotionally draining they can be.

Yes there are more risks. But they are majority chromosomal so that's a factor you can have amnio.

You only live once OP and back in my parents generation is was quite normal to be giving birth until the menopause! Miscarriage rate statistically is 50:50. I knew that when I fell pg at 43 100% which made it a lot less unsettling when it happened. I had never had a MC before. Another real consideration.

So as long as you go into it with your eyes open and not just hoping for the best. Good luck

People always say it was normal in parents generation to be giving birth till the menopause, but that isn't true. It is true for those with larger families, but most mothers gave birth to a couple of kids and stopped well before the menopause.
In generations before the pill, sure women gave birth to babies up till the menopause. They also had 9, 12, 14 kids. Surely no one is advocating this as a good example?

karencantobe - you're awfully patronising. There is no such thing as "ideal" but I can guarantee the life you have with your DC isn't better than the one I share with DD.

@mirrorinthesky I have no idea about your life, so how could I possibly say whether it is better or worse than my kids lives?

What a shite generalisation Karencantobe. My DM had her last child younger than I had my first!

I had my eldest at 22 (19) and my youngest (2) at 39 and I’d have another now in a heart beat. I’ve got 19,17,12,4 and 2. Yes the same father. It’s hard but it’s wonderful. I love have the little ones and the older ones enjoy them a lot. We all spend a lot of time together. I wouldn’t be upset to be pregnant again now at 41

I know people cope with a 16year old at 62 but it’s far from ideal.

Turn this on it’s head and ask if it’s right or fair that 16 yo should be having to cope with you at 82, just at a time when he/she is only 36 and probably with a very young family and a career to juggle too.

Its not all about how older parents will cope.

Age is a number OP and everything is based on averages. I always find it baffling all this stuff about people being knackered. If you are knackered at 45 you need to look at your diet and fitness. A woman who naturally has a baby at 45 is likely to have a later menopause than average anyway.

Personally I wouldn't have another baby but I don't feel different now to when I was 28. It's because I don't want one.

Kids are embarrassed about parents for loads of reasons that's a ridiculous point. Maybe if people really are knackered at 40+ it is easier to look after elderly parents when you are younger 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Only you can decide OP. Lots of men have babies at 45 and no one bats an eyelid despite increasing evidence that older fathers carry a risk too.

My mum had me when she was 40 and my dad was nearly 50. I remember all my friends constantly asking if they're my grandparents, growing up. I was always embarrassed by them. Love them to bits now but they are hard work. Instead of them being doting grandparents, I'm taking care of them e.g. food shopping, house adaptations, hospital appointments etc.

I'm 45 and my kids are 17 and 18,so for me I'm about to go into the next stage of my life,kids off to uni/work etc.
So an absolute total no from me, perhaps because of my kids ages,I feel that babies belong in a long ago part of my life.Im pretty knackered too.

I think we’re all different but for me I’d hope that by my mid to late 40s that I’d be out having a second wind at being a carefree adult - with older teens who can take care of themselves, so I can go off on a whim on days out and fancy holidays.

I had my first child at 22 and she is now 17 and I had another at 32. The thought of doing it all again makes me feel ill!

I'd look very carefully at your support network & other commitments. You don't leave your 40s in the same physical state as you entered them. I'm 49, & over this last year I've really started noticing my body & brain telling me to start slowing things down a notch. It's really shocked me as I've always been very physically & mentally active. I'm not saying I've started falling to bits, but there's a definite change & I just don't want to be full throttle anymore. Having a young child to look after 24x7 would feel like a massive chore now. My youngest is 12 & his needs, plus my work & study are quite enough thank you.

With posters like fairlylea turn it in its head.

I'm so glad I wasn't elbow deep in nappies at 22. That thought would make me ill.

I had a carefree life in my 20s and 30s with friends and travelling and establishing a career.

By the time you're late 30s you've slowed down a bit in terms of the socialising and for me anyway quite happy to have a lifestyle change.

For those who had babies that young and in teens...how did you afford it. I was broke at 22 just out of uni. That was another factor for not being able to have them.

I'm currently 45 and have DS who is 6. I've started getting night sweats from perimenopause and am feeling like shit. It's really bloody hard. If you have a child now, chances are you'll be dealing with a screaming baby / toddler whilst having all sorts of hormonal crap going on in your own body. Not fun.

@MyuMe I chose not to go to university due to caring for my Gran at the time who raised me like a mum - she had terminal bowel cancer. I was accepted into 5 different universities and turned them all down. I then went to work in a bar part time (aged 18) and had a wild time basically and then met dds dad - who was a company director aged 22 (owned his own company). We settled down very quickly and I had dd aged 22, nearly 23. The relationship wasn’t a happy one to be honest - it was in the early days but once dd came along 4 years into it he didn’t adapt well to having a baby and I got fed up with him. I left him when dd was 6 months old, shortly after my Gran died, and went back to work full time. I worked in marketing management and caught 2 buses to work everyday and dropped dd off at nursery / childminders on the way there....! It was a tough time in many ways but I was young enough to cope with it all.

Later I remarried and then had my ds who is now 7 and I’ve gone full circle and was able to give up work completely and am now a stay at home parent and I love it. No desire to work ever again.

I think this thread shows how different we all are and I think ultimately you have to do what suits you and your family. For me I feel I wouldn’t want to go through the whole baby thing again, too much stress, hassle, no sleep etc. I feel settled in my life and feel I’ve finally got some time back for myself as my children are getting older.

@Fairylea yes I accept we are all different which is why these threads are pointless

You wouldn't do it again because you've done it.

I never have. So if it's the case that it's 40+ or never be a mother well it's not hard to consider doing it.

Saddling a teenager with a 60+ parent?! Age really isn't what it used to be. I have a friend who is 61 and she is really active and still working fulltime and lots of hobbies and yoga and gym. Poor teenager being stuck with her as a mum

No

I am 47 and just starting to feel the impact of being peri menopausal and luckily for me the symptoms are mild (so far). To have such a young child that needs so much attention i think I would find too exhausting. My health is ok but I am not quite the person I was (brain fog and energy levels) six months ago.

@Fairylea so sorry to hear about your gran

@MyuMe Yes completely. I understand that.

Thank you

I'm currently 45 and have DS who is 6. I've started getting night sweats from perimenopause and am feeling like shit. It's really bloody hard. If you have a child now, chances are you'll be dealing with a screaming baby / toddler whilst having all sorts of hormonal crap going on in your own body. Not fun.

But probably you wouldn't have actually been fertile much after 39. A woman who can have a baby at 45 will surely have a later menopause so it'll prob be much the same, it'd start when her child was about 5. If not she is highly unlikely to get pregnant surely?

I'm so glad I wasn't elbow deep in nappies at 22.

Me too. I can't imagine why you would want a baby that young either. But we're all different aren't we?

I am surprised to hear people saying they think kids will laugh at older parents. Even in a v mixed area my cousin doesn’t get this, there is a definite split between the ‚local‘ parents who generally didn’t go to uni and had kids in their twenties or even earlier and the uni educated older parents who are outsiders to the town , but there are loads of each group so that there are plenty of older looking parents (tbh it is mostly only the dads who look ‚older‘ due to receding hair or baldness.. nothing to mark out the fortysomething women as ‚old‘ as generally most have a v healthy lifestyle (and probably dye their hair, who knows or cares?) . So no teasing from anyone that I am aware of. Although tbh the kids of these two groups don’t really mix much anyway! Even tho they are at the same schools!

No one is saying it’s too old. The OP is asking ‘Would you.....?’

@Teateaandmoretea They are normally talking about peri menopause. If you have an easy one you will be fine, but a significant proportion of women have a really tough time, and energy levels are part of it. I knew nothing about it until I started to experience and read up about it.
I would say to anyone that wants to have a child when they are older, ask your mum her experiences of peri menopause. Because if she had an easy time, chances are you will too.