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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting fatter and buying new clothes is wasteful

86 replies

TreesRUs · 18/01/2020 13:48

Need some help working out if I’m being gaslighted here.

I’m overweight, had to buy new trousers as old ones didn’t fit. DH gave me a disgusted look, told me that was awful and wasteful, that he’d never had to buy new clothes because he’d got fatter and that I should just stop.

I’ve been trying to lose weight for years. I’d love to. Mental barriers more than anything.

It felt cruel and nasty. We all have flaws and tbh I don’t expect disgust over something I am trying my best to control.

AIBU?

OP posts:
rattusrattus20 · 18/01/2020 21:11

Getting fat is, or course, a bad thing, to to be avoided if possible.

Without hearing how he said this, knowing the background, context, etc, it's hard to say more.

Flupibass · 18/01/2020 21:13

What does ‘gaslighting’ mean?

Sparklesocks · 18/01/2020 21:17

I’m a bit Hmm that some posters are saying it may be the husband’s way of telling OP he’s concerned about her health etc. If that were the case, surely he would raise it in a kinder, gentler, more empathetic way than giving her a dirty look and telling her it was awful and wasteful? Unless of course you hate your spouse and don’t care about hurting them...

Pilot12 · 18/01/2020 22:52

It sounds like your DH isn't happy that you're getting fat. When my clothes start getting tight, it's a sign to lay off the junk and start eating healthier until my clothes fit again. I don't go out and buy a bigger size.

Are you going to keep eating and buying bigger clothes? Maybe he's visualising an obese wife in the future and doesn't want that....

lilgreen · 18/01/2020 22:56

It’s unkind and understandably upsetting.
Aside from his comment, I’ve always used a tight waistband moment to give me a kick up the backside to lose a few pounds. Buying a bigger size is a bit dangerous.

Aderyn19 · 18/01/2020 23:52

It doesn't matter how much weight the OP has put on - that's not the issue here. The issue is that it is never acceptable to speak to your partner like shit and bully/belittle them!

If a person is genuinely concerned about their partner's health or even if they are finding themselves less attracted to their partner due to weight gain or some other aspect of their appearance, there are kind and gentle ways to have this conversation.
No decent person does what the OP's partner did.
Some of you seem to think that overweight people aren't entitled to decent relationships or even basic manners.

Itsmybirthday19 · 19/01/2020 00:15

I assume he has only ever bought new clothes because his existing ones were worn to rags, yes?

Not because he fancied something new, right?

Otherwise that would be equally wasteful and he'd be forced back into his regulation wanker issue box.

I'd also be interested to know if the same logic would apply had you suddenly gone down a dress size and been forced to replace your trousers? I suspect not, despite that being equally 'wasteful'...

Clevererthanyou · 19/01/2020 00:28

I do love a good fat bashing thread on here. You nasty fuckers up thread can cover it in all the faux concern you want, you’re being cruel and fucking stupid as the op didn’t ask for diet/lifestyle advice.

Itsmybirthday19 · 19/01/2020 00:32

Tell him you'll 'just stop' gaining weight when he 'just stops' being a snide cunt.

BettyFilous · 19/01/2020 00:50

I went through a phase of telling myself I shouldn’t waste money buying new clothes post-baby when I couldn’t get into my pre-baby wardrobe. Then I remembered that you only get one life, this one isn’t a rehearsal and that having clothes that are comfortable and make you feel good when you wear them is a reasonable ask. I bought bigger clothes. Just as well, as my eldest is a teen now and I’m still carrying the ‘baby’ weight, which would have been a long time to be feeling crap about my clothes.

ploughingthrough · 19/01/2020 00:59

Well it's definitely not tactful and I can see why you would he hurt.

My DH and I are brutally honest about each others weight though because we both want each other to be healthy and have a good chance at a long life. Becoming fat is bad for you in so many ways and hard to sort out- I put weight on easily and have to work very hard not to be overweight. Sometimes it can help to have a 'critical friend' in your husband, but I guess you need to be very strong together not to get upset about this.
I can well imagine my husband saying 'why don't we look at adjusting our diet / get to the gym more rather than you buying new clothes'.

Itsmybirthday19 · 19/01/2020 01:01

@ploughingthrough can you imagine your husband looking at you with disgust?

Apirateslifeforme · 19/01/2020 01:10

I'm in a somewhat similar situation, not with my husbands attitude but, in the situation that food has become a massive crutch, mostly to do with mental health conditions not managed very well (believe me I've spent years trying to get help, and there has been some but appropriate diagnosis have been hard to get and the NHS doesn't offer long enough courses of CBT to combat the issues)

I have fairly recently started private CBT to try and get to the root of my food problems because they've taken over my life and my health is affected quite significantly.

In a practical sense I would say that you need to speak to your husband about how you're feeling and explain you want to work through the issues with a professional so you can drop the weight because you're not happy or comfortable.

Please try to view your weight as a symptom of your emotional state, and not a direct consequence of any failures on your part.

You can do this. I never thought I would. I was intent on having a gastric bypass because I thought that was the only way to stop myself from being the size I am, but 4 months into therapy I'm able to see some of the triggers that make me eat, and I stop myself from eating foods that arent productive to where I'm trying to get, and food isnt on my mind all day every day.

Wishing you all the best.

ploughingthrough · 19/01/2020 01:12

@Itsmybirthday19 no. I said at the beginning that her husband was unkind. He sounds very unpleasant but it can be very hard for people without weight issues to understand those with them.

Itsmybirthday19 · 19/01/2020 01:22

@ploughingthrough it can be very hard for people who lack empathy, yes.

There is a huge difference between honesty and cruelty.

ploughingthrough · 19/01/2020 01:27

I'm not disagreeing with you. But did ops husband mean to be cruel or was he being tactless? It is not easy to tell from the op because she is sensitive about her weight and doesn't feel good about that.
I would be worried for my DH if he was getting fat enough to need bigger clothes and I would address it. I would try very hard not to be cruel and I think ops husband should have tried harder in this case. But he is not wrong to address weight issues. What he should do, however, is offer to support and help and not belittlem

Bobleywobley · 19/01/2020 02:09

Your husband sounds like a to**er.

Ishotmrburns · 19/01/2020 02:19

He's not gaslighting you, he's just being a wanker

Graphista · 19/01/2020 03:13

It’s a damn sight easier for men to maintain a healthy weight! Plenty of both biological and psychological and societal reasons why!

It gets a BIT harder for them as they age - ironically at least in part due to a decrease in Male hormones.

I am overweight, lost a good bit vis ww but still need to lose some. The men at ww were allowed to eat more, found it easier to lose and easier to maintain the loss. Generally speaking. It was a topic of much discussion.

But basically yea, he's being a nasty dick tell him to fuck off!

squeekums · 19/01/2020 03:26

Your DH is an ass

Why shouldnt you have clothes that fit and you like? You have every right to feel comfortable in what you wearing.

If he wanted to really help and was concerned about your weight he would offer things like going for a walk together, then build to a run, cook meals together, NOT give you shit and say you dont need to be comfortable

Sparkle2020 · 19/01/2020 03:59

It is so sad that when we gain weight so many of us think we should stay in old, ill fitting clothes because “we’ll lose it again” I haven’t bought something I really really loved in ages because I’ve convinced myself I’ll be a size 8 again soon. It’s such a damaging cycle. Don’t let anyone tell you not to buy yourself good fitting clothes just because the number on the label is different to the old one.

eaglejulesk · 19/01/2020 04:24

YANBU. What a cruel thing for him to say - you needed new trousers, it is impossible to lose weight overnight so what were you supposed to do? Of course constantly buying new clothes is bad for the environment, but one new pair of trousers is neither here nor there. Flowers He should be more supportive.

eaglejulesk · 19/01/2020 04:29

@Booberella9 and @JamesBlonde1 - your comments are hurtful and unnecessary. Haven't you got something better to do than let us know just how perfect you are?

blackcat86 · 19/01/2020 04:58

I bet if you started to lose weight (for yourself) he would probably still be a prick to you. About 10years ago I had a nasty accident and went from a size 10 to 14 (doesn't sound awful but I'm very short so didnt wear it well). I struggled to get out due to by injuries so was at home watching TV and eating junk. As part of getting well I started eating a really good diet and exercising daily and dropped to a size 6. My then bf still looked at me with disgust and had no interest in supporting in - in fact he would try to get me to eat unhealthy stuff. He then left for OW and I travelled for a bit. The disgust isnt about your weight, that's simply the stick he had to beat you with.

Bluntness100 · 19/01/2020 09:05

Some real hysteria on this thread. It's always the same when it comes to threads about mentioning someone's weight.

Clearly he didn't say she shouldn't have new clothes and should walk about naked. He said it was wasteful to buy new clothes because of weight gain and didn't understand why she didn't stop eating so much instead of just buying bigger clothes.

She's also said she's unhappy with her weight gain and needs to seek therapy for it as she can't stop.

So as much as he was unkind or tactless in how he phrased it. He clearly wasn't suggesting she go naked and should never buy new clothes.