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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Getting fatter and buying new clothes is wasteful

86 replies

TreesRUs · 18/01/2020 13:48

Need some help working out if I’m being gaslighted here.

I’m overweight, had to buy new trousers as old ones didn’t fit. DH gave me a disgusted look, told me that was awful and wasteful, that he’d never had to buy new clothes because he’d got fatter and that I should just stop.

I’ve been trying to lose weight for years. I’d love to. Mental barriers more than anything.

It felt cruel and nasty. We all have flaws and tbh I don’t expect disgust over something I am trying my best to control.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 18/01/2020 15:31

You matter, whatever size you are. Your comfort, feelings, self-esteem matter.

Buy clothes that make you feel comfortable and that you feel happy in. The misery of wearing too-tight clothes helps no one.

Even if you want to use it as impetus to lose some weight WHICH IS ENTIRELY UP TO YOU you can donate them when they’re too big. It’s not wasteful, it’s just a way for him to diminish you.

I’m fat. I don’t like it. I have an eating disorder and various things which make it hard to lose weight. I get it. Being picked on won’t help you. He’s a bastard.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 18/01/2020 15:36

I’ve just bought some new jeans and tops cause I’ve put weight on, probably Christmas and age Grin I think it’s inevitable to some degree as you get older you’re fighting middle age spread.

As for your husband he needs a lesson in not being a prick

BritWifeinUSA · 18/01/2020 15:37

It’s a long, long way from gaslighting. That term is used way too much these days. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen and I’m not trivializing it, but lately it seems every unkind comment is given thus label.

He’s just being unkind. In a way he has a point but he’s made it in a very bad way. It is wasteful to keep being new clothes, whatever the reason. Maybe he would like to save the money for holidays, nights out, doing up the house, etc. Have you talked to him about how you are struggling with your weight?

Oblomov20 · 18/01/2020 15:38

What a fucking nasty thing to say! What a twat!

nocoolnamesleft · 18/01/2020 15:38

Him being a bastard to you increases the odds of you comfort eating. So him saying things like that show he's a stupid bastard.

Highonpotandused · 18/01/2020 15:40

I sympathise OP, I have been buying size 12, 14 and now 16 in 2019!

It's none of DH's business. I need to be clothed.

Bluntness100 · 18/01/2020 15:44

I think this is likely because he doesn't understand why you can't control it. Or like he says "just stop". As you say he doesn't have previously A lot of people don't understand unfortunately. They watch their partners eating habits and life style, see the weight gain and don't really understand why they are doing it to themselves.

Maybe you can try to explain to him?

JamesBlonde1 · 18/01/2020 15:44

OP I think the question is what are you going to do to lose weight?

If you're getting bigger it's surely affecting your lifestyle. I'm sure you don't want that.

spongejack · 18/01/2020 15:48

@JamesBlonde1 OP didn't post to tell people how she was going to lose weight, she posted to ask if her OH was U.

He was.

Original poster
TreesRUs · 18/01/2020 15:48

Sorry if I mislead with gaslighting as a label. I agree it is unkind.

I’ve talked to him about my weight, and he understands that I struggle with it. But I don’t think he can understand why I can’t just decide to lose weight, because this hasn’t (so far!) been something he’s encountered, and he knows that I want it so much.

I agree with you all that continuing to get fatter and buying new clothes is not what I want to do. PPs suggestion of getting some help with emotional eating is the route to take next.

OP posts:
Summatsummit · 18/01/2020 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

vintanner · 18/01/2020 16:22

Tell him that you either get some new clothes or a new husband. To hell with him. You deserve better.

BohoBunney · 18/01/2020 19:12

You know what would be even more wasteful... spending anymore time with a man who makes you feel like this.

Lose weight for yourself, not a man who is embarrassed by your weight.

Booberella9 · 18/01/2020 19:20

Don't get it tbh. There's no other issues like pregnancy at play, you say it's comfort eating .. well that's a mental health issue. Get help for the mental health issue.

I wouldn't be impressed if my DP kept gaining weight with no reason other than using food like other people use cigs, wine etc. No one is forcing it into your mouth. No one is secretly buying it and stashing it in your house.

Top tip. Feel your feelings. When you crave the snacks, feel your feelings instead of eating them away.

This is a wake up call. Best time to get help was 5 years ago, second best is now. Don't leave it any longer. Get to the GP and get referred for CBT. You don't have to live like this.

Aderyn19 · 18/01/2020 19:24

It's not for him to judge what you buy. Does he never buy anything that's not strictly 'necessary'?
Buy yourself a divorce. Shedding a mean husband will do you more good than shedding weight!

flirtygirl · 18/01/2020 19:33

Bomberella9 and JamesBlonde1. The op did not ask about her weight gain, she asked about what her husband said about her buying clothes as the old one do not fit.

Telling that neither of you mentioned the cruelty but only wanted to comment on being fat and weight.

JamesBlond1 your comment is bitchy and Booberella9, yes you clearly don't get it. People put on weight for many reasons, that cbt could never address let alone cure.
But that is not what the Ops thread is about.

Op your husband was needlessly mean and cruel. Is he usually like that? if so he is verging on being emotionally abusive.

Cezzy · 18/01/2020 19:38

Take in his clothes so he thinks he has gained weight then you can return the comment!

Sparklesocks · 18/01/2020 19:42

@Booberella9 I think your post is a bit mean spirited tbh

spongejack · 18/01/2020 19:42

@Booberella9 your post doesn't relate to the OPs question, stop with your sanctimonious claptrap!

spongejack · 18/01/2020 19:43

@Booberella9 if everyone who went up a dress size asked for MH intervention then the already stretched service would collapse!

Marmunia1975 · 18/01/2020 19:46

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to look after yourself. What do you eat??

managedmis · 18/01/2020 19:48

Maybe he's concerned about your health?

managedmis · 18/01/2020 19:49

I agree with booberella.

YOU are in control, op, not the food.

DareDevil223 · 18/01/2020 20:57

Classic MN. Normally people would agree that your not very 'D' H is being mean and unkind but not if it's weight related. Then you're a disgusting fat slob who should not expect decent treatment until you have your jaw wired shut and get down to an acceptable size.

Fuck's sake.....

PlomBear · 18/01/2020 21:03

DH has put on weight since we met, I still love him, I would never be cruel. He’s decided on his own to eat healthier and go to the gym at work. I’m supportive of that.

I was a size 10 when I met DH, I’m now a 12-14. He’s never once said I’m fat or need psychological help!