Mum not Nan

[saturdaymorning]

So this has happened a few times, people mistaking me as grandma to my 5 year old son and tbh it really fucking hurts my feelings.

Last night was the latest with out of hours doctors asking me "So are you grandma or mum?" Why couldn't he be a bit more kinder and ask if I was mum first instead of sticking grandma on the end? It makes me feel so old. I'm 45 and I don't feel as though I look particularly old but I obviously do.

Before all the young grandmas slate me for calling grandmas "old" I'm not! I would just prefer people to see me as my sons mum which is what I am.

YANBU. If I'm ever unsure, I would always assume that you were the mother. However, where I live, it's not unusual for grandmas to be in their 40s (my hairdresser was a great grandma at 53!!) so he just didn't consider your feelings, he just wanted to get his facts right.

I'd be offended if I was you, but I guess it's just part of being an older mum 🤷‍♀️.

Yanbu but I am 40 with a 5 month old granddaughter, and people are never quite sure (and I look young, or at least definitely not older than 40). I thought I'd be forever correcting people that I'm her granny not her mum but in reality, maybe people are just used to young grandparents these days.
I get why it hurts though, I'd always err on the more flattering side, that said, they don't know you don't have a 22 year old who's given you a grandchild. Try not to let it get to you too much

I think it’s probably more the area you’re in than how old you look.

In certain areas, a lot of women get pregnant in their early 20s, meaning that there are lots of grandmothers in their 40s.

Oh Christ this thread makes me feel so old. I’m 41 one this year and would be mortified if any one assumed I was the bloody nanna!

My DH has had people ask if he's the grandad to our son, just because he has grey hair already. People just don't think before they speak, sometimes, although I agree someone working in a customer-facing role should be tactful and always err on the side of caution.

YANBU those people are rude. Maybe you live in an area with mainly younger mums which is why they're assuming. I know lots of mums of an age (40+ when they had their first) who could easily be either mum or grandma I'd always assume mum unless told otherwise.

I think it depends where you live and what age your children are.

Where I live grandparents under 50 is a shock. The grandparents at he school gates are mainly 60s and 70s, young parents are hose under 35😊.

But, When I was 30 I was asked which of my nieces granny’s I was. I was horrified.

You are 45 so you could be either. It's not rude for the Doctor to clarify who they are talking to

45 i isn't even young for a nan these days.

Round here, having a baby at 40 is completely normal. I think attitudes like the one you encountered may be to do with the demographic of your local area.

Where I’m living now I’m considered an ‘old mum’ and I’m 31, my DD and DS are 2 and whilst I haven’t been asked if I’m their Gran yet, a few of the mothers in local toddler groups have asked why I waited to have kids until I was 29. Most of them are early 20’s. So I do think where you live and the ‘norm’ for that area comes into play.

DH’s Mum had him when she was 39, but where she lived very few people batted an eye.

I have a friend who is a grandma at 35

My ds is 5.My dgs is nearly 4.
I am 48. Is very odd to me using dm /dgm while talking to 2 small people at the same time!!
Never crossed my mind to care what anyone thinks.
Yanbu to feel miffed if that's what you feel op.

Why is offensive? I get asked Mum or Grandma? regularly as does my dh it's you being self conscious about your age not people asking a valid question esp health care professionals

My mum was a nan at 43 so I guess you could be either that's why x

My mum has been called mum and Nan to my ds
She deffo looks more of a nan tho lol

I get offended when ppl think my mum is ds mum so I guess people can't win, asking both seems sensible

47 here and asked last week by the pharmacist if I was pregnant

I'm 36 and my mum is 53 and looks young for her age. People always think she's my kids mum and my sister 🙈

Here you're just as likely to get a 40yo mum as a 40yo nan.

Where I come from, being a nan at 45 is completely normal. Where I live now, that would be really unusual! What's the norm in your area, OP?

I think you need to be a little more thick skinned, there are plenty of women in their 40s who are nans so they cannot just assume you are mum.

My own mum is 46 and has 5 grandchildren between her three children. Her eldest grandchild is my eldest son who is 6.

It’s not a big deal.

@williams345

If your mum was caring for DS on her own and someone mistook her for DS's mum you obviously wouldn't be offended (unless you're mental) so people can win by assuming mum or not assuming at all.

I've been mistaken for DDs nan a few times. I'm 42 and shes not yet 1.

TBH, I see women at the school gate when collecting DS and wonder to myself if they are a nan or mum.

No harm is meant but it can be a massive blow to the ego

My auntie was a grandma at 33! She herself was a mum at 17 and her eldest was just 15 when she had her first

My mum was a grandma at 42.