Mum not Nan

[saturdaymorning]

So this has happened a few times, people mistaking me as grandma to my 5 year old son and tbh it really fucking hurts my feelings.

Last night was the latest with out of hours doctors asking me "So are you grandma or mum?" Why couldn't he be a bit more kinder and ask if I was mum first instead of sticking grandma on the end? It makes me feel so old. I'm 45 and I don't feel as though I look particularly old but I obviously do.

Before all the young grandmas slate me for calling grandmas "old" I'm not! I would just prefer people to see me as my sons mum which is what I am.

You could easily be either so it's a perfectly reasonable question.

I'm same age and never experienced this. But suppose if you look older then this is par for the course for most mothers in 40s to 50s with younger children.

I babysit two Nigerian children. I'm white/blue eyed/blonde, in my 50's and people still have enough sensitivity to ask if I'm Mum.

Likewise when I'm out with my grandchildren and I look my age. I also live in a, younger-than-average-birth-age, area.

It doesn't take much to be sensitive.

I always assume mum rather than nan, even when (as in the case of my 70 year old friend) it's pretty obvious. Although I look like my children's mum, I also often look pregnant when I am not as I tend to put weight on my tummy, so I understand the pain caused by comments!

I'm sorry OP. People should think and be more tactful especially in a customer facing role.

My aunt gets this all the time (she is mid to late fifties with a 12 year old DD, DD's dad is early 40s and young looking), teachers assuming she is her DD's nan especially since DD's dad does most of the childcare and school evenings. She always makes a joke of it that she knew her DH was younger but not that she looked old enough to be his mum.

Like PP said I guess it has more to do with the area you are in, more than it does with your looks

**45 i isn't even young for a nan these days.”

Really? I thought less women were having babies so young. The average age in the uk is 30.

Unless you looked really old for your age, I wouldn’t assume you were nan. 55 maybe, but 45 I wouldn’t. If you were, then i’d think you’re a young nan

I had our son at 40. I've never been mistaken for his grandma.

You're describing my childhood op. My mum was in her 40s and if I had a pound for every child at primary school who told me 'your granny has come to pick you up!' I'd have been worth a fortune by the time I left school.

It was hard at the time, for both of us, but it's just one of those things. When you're both older hopefully you can laugh about it.

I was asked the same by my DD's friend in reception class a few years ago. I was only 34 when she was born. It turned out her mum was 15 when she was born and I was the same age as her grandmother.

My then 15 year old was once mistaken for my 10 year olds mother, people are awful at working out ages.

My GP said she tends to see really young mums (with their young parents) more often during daytime appointments at every surgery she has ever worked at because they are the ones who tend not to work, and so can come in quite easily for appointments every time they need anything. The older mums in my area (ie over 30s) nearly always work (even if just part time) and the evening / weekend appointment schedule tends to show a better mix. In actuality in my area it’s more common to have an older mum but you would never think it if you went to the GP surgeries during the day.

Iv been asked if im my sisters mum.

Im only 11 years older than her... And dont look old 😮

my mum became a grandma at 31 and
my grandma because a great grandma at 46 when i fell pregnant at 15. when i was growing up people always thought my gran was my mum and my mum was my sister. obviously this is unusual but it does happen. there’s a lot of young grannies where i live.

If I am walking around with a 5 year old when i'm 45 then I am more likely to be DGM than DM as I had my child at 23 and have ruled out having any more.

My mum had me at 33 and was always mistaken for being my gran. I found it mortifying tbh it's only since being an adult that i have realised it isn't that old and the fact that she was/is a brilliant mum is all that matters.

Middle class area = mum,
Working class = granny
Ime as an older mother

I taught 2 children in the same class who were daughter and grandson! The mum/nan started young!
I always, always say mum/dad if I'm not sure and have been wrong but think people would rather be mistaken for the younger of the 2.

When I was 31 I took my then 1 year old DS to A&E. It was the middle of the night so my DD (13) came too. I got asked by the doctor if I was grandma 🤦🏼‍♀️

I've reeled this out before on here I think... but when my sister was about 3, would've meant my mum was 42, in 1990ish, we'd moved to the U.K. DSis was kicking off massively in a supermarket, a lady came over and said 'come on love, be good for your nanna' 😆 My mum's face

We still say it to DSis now when she's kicking off aged 32 🤣

I'm now 42 and my youngest is 2... No one where I live would even bat an eye, parents here can be considerably older than me!

I couldn't get to upset about this ,I'm 46 and at my age I could be a granny , my boys are 9 and 13 so hopefully not any time soon ,but I do know people that are grandparents in their 40,s

It's a context thing. But it was rude... You always err on the more flattering option if you are unsure.

No one thinks I'm gran to my son (I'm 35, he's a toddler). But I removed going to an outdoor museum with my husband's teenage half brothers (he was 34, I 33 at the time. Brothers were 14 and 15). People assumed we were their parents because we were acting sort of parent-like. They also would do this to my BIL and his wife who are younger than us (27 and 24).

Is it really an ruder than the general MN idea that all GPs are far to old to be able to look after their DGCs effectively or even worse anything a reasonably pleasant GP says or does that the OP isnt sure about must be the start of dementia

You should have replied "How dare you, I'm his Uncle! " and revelled in the awkward backtracking

I recall reading many years ago in Take A Break a sociological periodical about a woman somewhere in Scotland who was a grandmother at 27.

Then again, the world's youngest ever mother was FIVE, conceiving at 4. Obviously, she went through extremely precocious puberty meaning that she was able to get pregnant; but the fact that she actually did is one of the most shocking cases of abuse I've ever heard.

Heartbreaking

@saturdaymorning what part of the country do you live in?

I live in central London and being 45 with a pre-schooler is pretty normal. Grandparents are usually well in to their 60s and 70s here. I've actually never met a grandmother under 50!!

You are 45 so you could be either. It's not rude for the Doctor to clarify who they are talking to

^This. You obviously look older than your years for everyone to making the same Nan comment

Conversely, my 76 year old Mum was delighted to be mistaken for her grandchild's mother! Still mentions it years later ...