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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect health visitor to call first?

91 replies

Neverbroken · 17/01/2020 12:33

For the second time today my health has turned up at my door unannounced. No call, no appointment. I find it rude, then before leaving she asked to see where baby sleeps, I said my room is a mess and she walked right on in anyway. I found this very embarrassing and intrusive, baby is 5 months old and she’s also seen one of her Moses baskets in the living room. Can you request another health visitor?

OP posts:
ikeakia · 17/01/2020 14:45

To be fair it doesn’t matter if it was at midday and OP was sleeping. Maybe baby had a bad night and OP was catching up? Which is fine if she’s not having a visit sprung on her that she needs to be prepared for. It doesn’t mean that ‘healthy’ routines aren’t being followed. If OP had been given warning though then she would have had the chance to prioritise getting sorted over sleep.

Elbeagle · 17/01/2020 15:04

If our HV had popped in unannounced any time after the first 2-3 weeks there would have been a very strong likelihood that we wouldn’t have been in, so purely from an efficiency point of view it must benefit the HV to at least say what day they’ll be coming?

thejollyroger · 17/01/2020 15:11

I’d expect a HV to be concerned if she was visiting mid to late morning and mum was being woken by my visit, particularly thinking of sleep habits and healthy routines.

What? What happened to “sleep when the baby sleeps”? And whose bloody business is it if someone likes an afternoon nap?!

Elbeagle · 17/01/2020 15:13

I agree that having a midday nap when you have a 5 month old is nothing to be concerned about, however if the OP hasn’t yet washed her face or brushed her teeth it sounds like she’s still asleep from the night time? Not that that’s particularly relevant I suppose, everyone is different.

thejollyroger · 17/01/2020 15:14

It’s not uncommon for parents to have the public areas of the house reasonably clean and tidy and for the rest of the house to be in pretty poor condition...

HVs are not there to check up on how tidy your home is. If they ask to see where the baby sleeps it’s to check for things like cot bumpers, make sure there is a cot or crib, see if they need to offer any advice on safe sleeping. And there are no “public” areas in my house. It’s all private.

thejollyroger · 17/01/2020 15:16

agree that having a midday nap when you have a 5 month old is nothing to be concerned about, however if the OP hasn’t yet washed her face or brushed her teeth it sounds like she’s still asleep from the night time? Not that that’s particularly relevant I suppose, everyone is different.

Well, yes, they are. It’s none of the HV’s business whether I have washed my face or brushed my teeth.

This is why people dread HVs, because their remits have been engorged beyond recognition by rumour and hearsay.

natlove · 17/01/2020 15:18

I had this! Turned up twice unannounced. She visited a few days after baby was born which I knew about and then twice more one at 6 weeks one at 8. The first time she came unannounced I refused to let her in because she hadn't let me know the second time she turned up absolutely stinking of cigarettes, like she had literally put it out on my doorstep I refused to let her in and told her not to come back and reported her. Then a week later she posted a note through my door saying she was in the area and seeing how I was doing and then a couple of days later text me just asking how we are so I replied telling her I don't want to hear from her again and if I need anything I know who to contact. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant so this time I'm dreading meeting the HV

Elbeagle · 17/01/2020 15:29

Oh I agree thejollyroger, I actually once made a complaint about a HV as she made an appointment to come after DD2 was born then turned up on a different day, which happened to be the day I was discharged from hospital with sepsis, then when I told her it wasn’t really convenient (we had literally just got home from hospital and I hadn’t seen 20 month old DD1 for 4 days) she yelled at me in the street and told me I had to see her and this time was more convenient to her than the one written on the letter that I had in front of me. It didn’t go anywhere though, she just apologised for the ‘misunderstanding’.

Skysblue · 17/01/2020 15:34

The main health visitor in our area is a total nutter, I did refuse to see her again. They left me alone until the 2 yr check then absolutely hounded me by phone until it became easier just to agree to go to it (it was pointless and actually gave baby his first ever nappy rash as he did a poo when we arrived and they refused to let me change him then kept me waiting! I expect there are many wonderful health visitors but I have yet to meet any.

They are there to offer help, you don’t have to accept it. I would put in a complaint about the unannounced intrusive visit and say you don’t need further support from them.

karencantobe · 17/01/2020 15:38

OP you said SS closed their case. So if SS were looking at you, even if they are no longer, it sounds like the HV is visiting for enhanced checks. She is just checking it is all okay. And that is why it is not prearranged.

AmelieTaylor · 17/01/2020 15:49

I think given your particular circumstances it’s not a bad thing that someone is checking to see how YOU are doing. I’m sure you are looking after your tiny baby girl just fine, but others in your situation might not be able to & so surely it’s better to have someone checking unannounced so that they can help the Mums that need it. If they give them notice it gives them time to ‘put a front on’ and that may mean some babies are neglected or some mum’s aren’t coping, but no one knows...surely you can see this systems helps people, even if YOU don’t need their help?!

There’s no shame in needing some help with life... if you do, let them help 🌷

Cheeseandwin5 · 17/01/2020 15:54

I know it sounds intrusive, but I hopefully the HV is doing it for the the right reasons, that being that you and the DC are doing well.
That being the case they will have seen plenty of places in lets say ' not the ideal circumstances
The information will help her to help you more.

jellycatspyjamas · 17/01/2020 16:01

HVs are not there to check up on how tidy your home is

No, tidy or untidy isn’t an issue, however a previous poster spoke about the state of a house that was far from ok for children to live in. It very much falls within a HV remit to be sure a living environment is ok, nothing to do with tidiness, or whether someone has their hair brushed or is in their pyjamas or the like. Their job, in part, is to build a picture of the child’s care. The OP clearly has had difficulties in the past, and is having enhanced visits - her still being in bed, home in a mess etc etc builds a picture especially if that happens over a couple of visits. The HV is ideally placed to identify PND etc and can get easy access to supports if there are issues.

thejollyroger · 17/01/2020 16:04

No, tidy or untidy isn’t an issue, however a previous poster spoke about the state of a house that was far from ok for children to live in. It very much falls within a HV remit to be sure a living environment is ok, nothing to do with tidiness, or whether someone has their hair brushed or is in their pyjamas or the like. Their job, in part, is to build a picture of the child’s care.

No, it isn’t. Their job is to offer help and support and to report any concerns that emerge in the course of doing that job to SS.

Original poster
Neverbroken · 17/01/2020 16:08

I called the center and asked for a different visitor told them about being woken up and not feeling comfortable with the state I was in which the lady seemed to understand.

@MatildaTheCat the place isn’t dirty just a little untidy things like some of babies clothes that I haven’t managed to fold away yet on my ottoman in the living room, or my bag sitting on the settee, an empty can of pop on the chest of drawers. The first time she came the place wasn’t messy it was more me being in my nighty, hair a mess (I wear a Wig but because she took me by surprised she saw my natural hair which was looking crazy), morning breath I’ll let your imagination continue lol.

I was trying to ask for advice about weaning because I have no idea where to start, the only thing she said was baby won’t like the milk or the teat. Well no shit Sherlock she doesn’t like a dummy even now. Now I’m just getting frustrated because the things I need help with I don’t get help with. I have tried to go to support groups I have tried to go to the freedom programme it’s all exhausting trying to get out the house with baby.

OP posts:
karencantobe · 17/01/2020 16:12

You can get advice on here about weaning - maybe start a new thread?

Original poster
Neverbroken · 17/01/2020 16:16

@jellycatspyjamas she came after 11. Why would you be concerned considering babies don’t sleep all night? Me & baby we’re both awake this morning at 6 as we are most mornings because she likes a little morning chat and feed. The first time she came I also explained to her why I was sleeping so late a because baby at the time was really collicky (Thank God this has improved) so I made no secret of the fact I was trying to get back to sleep sharpish as I remember that was a particularly difficult night and I was actually supposed to go to the children’s centre that morning but honestly I felt only half human.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neverbroken · 17/01/2020 16:19

@Elbeagle no we’d been up at 6 in the morning but if I have brushed my teeth hours before and then gone to sleep again my breath is not going to be as fresh and I’d like it to be fresh when I’m talking to someone.

OP posts:
Newbie1981 · 17/01/2020 16:37

Popped round to me once and the house looked like a crack den (not literally obvs) baby had just done an explosive poo, it somehow got all UK my arm and in my joe and then the door went. I thought I was going to have a heart attack when she turned up. Afterwards I thought maybe they do it on purpose, if you were abusing your child you would know to hide it if a visit was scheduled, if you see what I mean

Kittykat93 · 17/01/2020 18:12

Op you haven't addressed the posters who have commented on your current situation living with an abusive partner. I do hope you're safe and getting the support you need.

AmazingGreats · 17/01/2020 18:22

Are you still in a relationship with the abusive man? If so they might be not telling you on purpose. When I was in an abusive relationship my then partner used to want to come to every appointment or social situation I had so that I couldn't 'out' him as an abuser. He also stopped me going to groups and drop ins and things. Could that be why she's coming round unannounced?

FREEM · 17/01/2020 18:24

I work in a profession alongside health visitors .
I've only heard of them making unannounced visits if there are concerns.
I'd phone where on Mon and ask.

isthisaname · 17/01/2020 18:27

Also to other PPs, HVs in Scotland visit about 8 times in the first year here as standard, more if there are issues or concerns.

I'm in Scotland. Only got a couple of visits as a new born then there was the 2.5yo developmental check. DS is 3.5, I think he's only seen a HV 3 maybe 4 times.

PumpkinP · 17/01/2020 18:28

Didn’t the op say she was in temp accommodation after fleeing the relationship

OhTheRoses · 17/01/2020 18:47

To be fair my hv turned up on the doorstep at 9.15 when the baby was 12 days old. No call beforehand. Had there been I'd have said the time was unnacceptably early. I got a letter thrpugh the box at 8.50am informing me she would arrive at 9am. Doubly irritating because I wasn't important enough for her to turn up on time. Had she put 9.15, I'd have had time to get dressed. Overall I felt it was designed to disempower.

Two professional, married parents, lovely home, no problems. So they don't always make mutually cpnvenient apts.

It is my understanding that even with difficult circs they cannot forcefully enter without a court order although I'm not sure I'd give them the opportunity to apply for one.