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AIBU?

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Original poster

"If you were my child, I would have slapped you by now..." How would you feel about this?

73 replies

emsiewill · 30/08/2007 10:46

My 2 dd's (10 and 8) are currently away in North Wales with my parents in law. As they are there for 2 weeks and my pil are getting on, my sil who lives nearby offered to have them for the weekend in the middle.

I didn't want her to feel obliged to look after them, but she said she was very happy to have them, it would be company for her 2 kids (9 and 3) and no trouble etc, etc.

When talking to dd1 the other day, she was in tears "I want to come home, please come and pick me up" because some of the other kids had been winding her up, something and nothing really, and she is rather volatile and easily riled. I tried to calm her down, and then spoke to sil who was embarrassed that this had happened on "her watch", reassured me it was something and nothing. Spoke to dd1 the next day, all fine.

Spoke to dd1 yesterday, there had been some sort of argument between her and sil's son, she had stormed up to her room, sil had tried to come in and talk to her, she didn't want her to, there had been some sort of tussle with dd1 holding the door shut, and sil trying to open it and then sil said the thing about slapping dd1.

I just don't know how I feel about this.

On the one hand, I have only heard the story from dd, and of course there are always 2 sides to any story.

I know sil does use smacking as a form of discipline, but I am surprised that she lost her rag enough to say something like that to someone else's child - which makes me think she must have been really angry, and that dd1 must have done something worse than she is telling me....

I get on well with sil; although our general views on life are very different, we always agree to differ without any bad feeling. I will be picking the girls up at the weekend, and staying with sil, I don't want this to be the elephant in the room, but I don't want to raise it with her as though I am accusing her of something terrible.

I suppose I am mostly upset to thing that dd1 behaved that badly in someone else's house - we have had lots of issues with her temper her (see threads ad infinitum going back to 2001), but she is always a model child elsewhere.

Thanks for reading this far, and your thoughts are welcome...

OP posts:
chinwag · 30/08/2007 10:52

If you generally get on with her, I would be inclined to not bring it up. It was probably said in the heat of the moment, and even though it possibly was a tad inappropriate, your dd isn't upset now. I wouldn't let it come between you.

HuwEdwards · 30/08/2007 10:55

I agree with Chinwag - yes it was an inappropriate thing to say to a child, but if your DD has moved on from it,then maybe that's your lead here.

JeremyVile · 30/08/2007 10:57

I think the main point is that she didn't hit your DD, she seems to have made an inappropriate remark in the heat of the moment.

Personally, I wouldn't bring this up with SIL specifically, perhaps just go over the whole incident from her POV, this should give you a better idea from her side as well.

I'd say that your main priority is to deal with your DDs behaviour.

themildmanneredjanitor · 30/08/2007 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:16

Dd was upset about it when she told me, but as I say, I think I am more worried about how she behaved, as she normally manages to keep a lid on things when she is out of her home environment (and if I'm not there - we have a volatile relationship I'm afraid to say). I find that I usually err on the side of the "other party" when the dd's are telling me about some wrong that has been done to them, so I am happy to accept that there is another side to this that may change the whole view.

I hate feeling that there is an atmosphere, and that people are avoiding talking about things, but I don't want to fall out with sil about this.

I am v good at feeling guilty about things, and am now feeling bad that sil ended up "dumped" with my kids, which obviously caused her so much stress that she flipped.
.

Just feel like I have a cloud hanging over me now.

OP posts:
Hurlyburly · 30/08/2007 11:16

How would I feel? A mixture of embarrassed and ashamed.

MerlinsBeard · 30/08/2007 11:23

turn it around. imagine that it was one of your sisters children who was behaving the same way. what would youhave done?

She didn't hit your DD, she told her that if she was her child she would have been smacked by now, which tbh is very restrained of her if she was that cross with her in the first place

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:23

Thanks for the support hurlyburly...suppose I shouldn't have asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:25

I can honestly say that another person's child would never rile me up that much that I would say that...they just don't get to me that much, don't press my buttons.

But, yes, I get the message, my dd is so bad that she would drive even a saint over the edge.

Really wish I hadn't posted this now, it's just confirmed my worst thoughts.

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 30/08/2007 11:26

think if your dd was not on good behaviour at that place, it means she felt pretty much at home there.

JeremyVile · 30/08/2007 11:26

Dont feel so bad.
Your SIL has kids, she knows all too well that no child is an angel.
And you didn't 'dump' your dc on her, you're family and sometimes family help each other out, Im sure you have/would look after SILs dc?
Really, dont worry about it so much, stop giving yourself such a hard time, you have done nothing to warrant it.

Hurlyburly · 30/08/2007 11:28

Didn't mean it to sound as unsupportive as it came out. Sorry.

In a less truncated way - it sounds as though your DD misbehaved and misbehaved badly. Your SIL didn't smack her even though she believes in smacking.

Caroline1852 · 30/08/2007 11:31

I would feel embarassed.

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:33

Thinking more about this, sil was with us last year when dd1 had a major meltdown, massive temper tantrum, really lost control.

Sil was really supportive, was there for me, complimented me on how well I'd handled it, admired how I'd kept so calm etc, etc. I really was extremely grateful for her support at that time. She was very non-judgemental.

Now I'm wondering whether she was just thinking all the time "she should just give her a slap"

Unfortunately I know only too well what happens if you engage with my dd in that way when she is in a temper - it escalates the situation - I think she finds the loss of control that it signals quite frightening.

Therefore I try to keep calm when dealing with her, which is not always v easy, as my sil obviously found out...

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 30/08/2007 11:34

Emsie I honestly dont think anyone is saying that.

As you're close to SIL, why not just ask her what happened, without mentioning the 'I'd hit you if I were a kid' thing. Just sigh and ask, say 'dd was saying she and your ds fell out what happened are you OK'???

For what it's worth, I've been dropping by at a friends for the past week (upon her request), and god I was at the end of my tether with her other friends kids by wednesday!!! Goodness knows how I would have been had I had sole charge of them .....

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:34

And I just never believed dd would lose it when away from home and in the care of someone else.

It's just made me worry whether we've moved on to another stage with her...

OP posts:
RedLorryYellowLorry · 30/08/2007 11:34

It sounds as though your SIL felt beaten really. If it had been her own child she would have stepped in and smacked them but she couldn't do that to your dd so felt she didn't know how control/resolve the sitution. I think by saying what she did she was telling your dd she had gone too far. Not nice to hear it was said or that your dd pushed her buttons to that extent though.

Caroline1852 · 30/08/2007 11:34

It is bigger in your head than it really is. I would imagine the incident is now forgotten by all the protagonists. Don't let it ruin a good relationship with your SIL.

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:36

Caroline, you are probably right, everyone else has moved on, and I'm sitting here worrying about it...

...perhaps I should get on with my work and stop fretting

OP posts:
Hurlyburly · 30/08/2007 11:37

"Now I'm wondering whether she was just thinking all the time "she should just give her a slap""

Give your SIL the a break. It's not (or shouldn't be) a case of blame here. She presumably loves her neice and was doing her best for her.

Your SIL might not be as well-equipped or as practised as you are at dealing with her but she did her best in what sounds like a trying situation.

SSSandy2 · 30/08/2007 11:40

look, understandably you're upset at someone saying that to your dc. That's ok, that's normal, sin't it? You're embarrassed that your dd wasn't acting as well as you'd hoped in what seems to have become a wraught situation over there and you're left with a bad feeling about the whole thing.

Maybe though, chewing it over and over is making it seem an ever bigger problem? As far as I can understand it, dd has put it behind her and would go there again, no problems? SIL is as she always was. So it's you that's mulling things over and you were the only one not there.

So, is it possible to just stop it spiralling by maybe, taking round a bottle of wine (usual remedy for everything) having a chat with SIL along the lines : God , I know I have problems with her temper but she's generally on good behaviour when she visits and I never expected things to escalate that much. I'm really sorry you had to deal with that. I've found the only way that works with dd is to keep VERY calm and wait till the storm blows over. Listen to her and try to have an open mind about it and then leave on a lighter, friendly note.

Maybe this is really a molehill and not a mountain? What do you think?

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:42

I definately don't feel annoyed at my sil, I feel bad that she was driven to it - sure she felt bad after.

I don't like accepting favours from people, find it hard, and will find it harder to let the dds stay with her again now. (not because I don't trust her, because I don't want to cause her so much stress again)

I must say that all reports I have had directly from sil were about how both girls were bring good, but dd1 was being particularly good, helping out with the 3 year old etc, etc.

Perhaps being away for 2 weeks was just too much - it's just that when the offer was made, it was too tempting to turn down, childcare is such a nightmare in the hols when you have no family living nearby to help out...

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 30/08/2007 11:42

Took so long to write all that I didn't see it had all been said already!

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:44

Well, I am supposed to be staying at sil's on Sat, as mils will be full, and a bottle of wine has already been mentioned, as her dp works away weekends, so I'm sure we will talk it over and it won't be an issue.

Perhaps that's why we have kids - to stop us having time to fret over things. All that empty brain space I've had while they're away is a dangerous thing!

OP posts:
Caroline1852 · 30/08/2007 11:45

emsiewill - Clearly you SIL's children are naughty too sometimes - otherwise she would not be a smacker. It will ne nothing she has not seen before. I would write her a letter of apology (perhaps a bunch of flowers?) and say you feel terrible that your daughter misbehaved and tried to push all her buttons. Then it's done. You should then let it go.... it won't do you any good mulling over and over it again and again. I would personally involve the daughter in the bunch of flowers and apology letter too - she should be party to the consequences of her bad behaviour (I would use her pocket money for the flowers ).

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