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AIBU?

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Original poster

"If you were my child, I would have slapped you by now..." How would you feel about this?

73 replies

emsiewill · 30/08/2007 10:46

My 2 dd's (10 and 8) are currently away in North Wales with my parents in law. As they are there for 2 weeks and my pil are getting on, my sil who lives nearby offered to have them for the weekend in the middle.

I didn't want her to feel obliged to look after them, but she said she was very happy to have them, it would be company for her 2 kids (9 and 3) and no trouble etc, etc.

When talking to dd1 the other day, she was in tears "I want to come home, please come and pick me up" because some of the other kids had been winding her up, something and nothing really, and she is rather volatile and easily riled. I tried to calm her down, and then spoke to sil who was embarrassed that this had happened on "her watch", reassured me it was something and nothing. Spoke to dd1 the next day, all fine.

Spoke to dd1 yesterday, there had been some sort of argument between her and sil's son, she had stormed up to her room, sil had tried to come in and talk to her, she didn't want her to, there had been some sort of tussle with dd1 holding the door shut, and sil trying to open it and then sil said the thing about slapping dd1.

I just don't know how I feel about this.

On the one hand, I have only heard the story from dd, and of course there are always 2 sides to any story.

I know sil does use smacking as a form of discipline, but I am surprised that she lost her rag enough to say something like that to someone else's child - which makes me think she must have been really angry, and that dd1 must have done something worse than she is telling me....

I get on well with sil; although our general views on life are very different, we always agree to differ without any bad feeling. I will be picking the girls up at the weekend, and staying with sil, I don't want this to be the elephant in the room, but I don't want to raise it with her as though I am accusing her of something terrible.

I suppose I am mostly upset to thing that dd1 behaved that badly in someone else's house - we have had lots of issues with her temper her (see threads ad infinitum going back to 2001), but she is always a model child elsewhere.

Thanks for reading this far, and your thoughts are welcome...

OP posts:
SSSandy2 · 30/08/2007 11:46

Well if we had kids in order not to fret about things, geez I've done a crap job because I'm fretting away non-stop day and night about SCHOOLS. And if it isn't schools it is something else.

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 11:52

The hourly rate just isn't enough for this parenting job, is it?

OP posts:
HorseyWoman · 30/08/2007 12:40

I would be pissed off if she had hit your DD, but she didn't and just used this as a way to show how mad she was. Her methods of discipline may or may not be to my taste, but I don't think you should fall out over what she said as she didn't actually do anything.

chinwag · 30/08/2007 12:43

I think us Mum's are in built with an over-active guilt gland.

You could just make a light comment to sil, like 'sorry she was such a pain for you.' etc, and then forget about it.

AngharadGoldenhand · 30/08/2007 14:19

How would I feel about it?

Horrified and saddened that sil lost control of herself.

Sorry, but you did ask.

HectorsHouse · 30/08/2007 14:37

You are talking about a 10 year old. I think it'll do her some good to realise that she can't get away with certain behaviours with people who aren't her parents.

For me, I'd be rather embarrassed that she demonstrated this kind of behaviour to someone else and grateful that a relative who uses 'smacking' with her own children had sufficient restraint not to use it with mine and showed enough respect for me that she didn't

I would think that the other adults have dealt with it appropriately and I would make a point of talking to SIL, apologising for DD's behaviour and thanking her for having them.

I'd then just use it as an incident to reinforce to DD that her behaviour is unacceptable and she should try to develop other methods of controlling her temper and ask her if she'd like to consider perhaps going to a yoga / relaxation / exercise class

Caroline1852 · 30/08/2007 14:41

hectorshouse - Love your post but big lol @ yoga!

HectorsHouse · 30/08/2007 14:47

why lol at yoga - it could help

ConnorTraceptive · 30/08/2007 14:52

I don't think your sil lost contol at all she was just letting your daughter know in her own way how she felt about her behaviour. She didn't hit your dd or threaten to do so, so she clearly respects the fact that you are not a smacker and she has no place to smack your child.

I think it can be quite a good thing for a child to hear in no uncertain terms what others think of their behaviour I certainly have no qualms about telling my neices off when they are in my care and again mine and my sil parenting styles are very different.

Caroline1852 · 30/08/2007 14:57

Hectorshouse - ROFL - yoga really tickled me. even funnier on second reading - I am crying - thank you x

Caroline1852 · 30/08/2007 14:57

At least noone has suggested smacking the SIL!

slowreader · 30/08/2007 15:11

My sil said exactly the same to dd once.
Given the way dd was behaving all the time (appalling) I was impressed she managed to restrain herself.

Hurlyburly · 30/08/2007 15:21

Why is Yoga funny? Well in the abstract it isn't but in this context it's falling off chair funnysville.

HonoriaGlossop · 30/08/2007 15:55

Emsie I think you've hit the nail on the head. It's because it was two weeks away. No child can possibly be on their best behaviour for two, whole weeks. It was almost bound to happen, your dd was letting off steam really.

What your SIL said I think was pretty fair. I am totally anti-smacking, but I think what your SIL did was probably a useful little lesson for your dd; it showed her that she had gone too far, and it showed her that other mums can be people who hit, and it would make her stop short perhaps, for a second, and appreciate that it doesn't happen to her at home.

I really don't think it's a big deal, you shouldn't worry. I totally understand how the two weeks away seemed a great idea, and I bet largely it has been great.

WideWebWitch · 30/08/2007 16:02

I think SIL was out of order.
You don't say that to a child imo.

So dd behaved badly, so what? Children do and you weren't there and it's hard to know what happened.

So I'd be pissed off I think. Mind you my smartarse ds would probably have answered 'well, if I was your child I'd have called Childline when you did'

Have only read your OP. Will skim thread now

ConnorTraceptive · 30/08/2007 16:04

"so dd behaved badly, so what?"

really??

WideWebWitch · 30/08/2007 16:07

I think you're being v hard on your dd. She was away for 2 weeks, children DO wind each other up, you have no idea how much she was provoked, you shouldn't assume she was at fault (although you say you often do so. Hmm). And SIL shouldn't have said it. It's ok to get cross of course but you know smacking does not work with your dd (and I would argue that it doesn't work for any children bu hey, that's another thread) and so SIL shouldn't have said it.

10yos are hard work, ds has had his moments today (he's just come back from a week with my mum)

WideWebWitch · 30/08/2007 16:15

Yes really ConorT, the OP wasn't there, didn't see what happened, no 10yo is an angel (and neither should they be expected to be, no-one is!), it's almost impossible to judge if you weren't there, surely?

ConnorTraceptive · 30/08/2007 16:20

Oh yes agree all kids play up and that's natural, especially when they've been away for two weeks but still think they need to be pulled up on the behaviour.

I guess i just believe in you follow the rules of the house even if they are different to yours.

Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 16:39

www, can I just clarify one thing, I didn't say I often assume my dd's are in the wrong, I said I err on the side of the other person.

What I think I actually meant was that I know that there are 2 sides to a story, and although my mother's instinct tells me that my children are perfect , I am able to be a bit more objective and acknowledge that often their behaviour is a bit less than perfect.

Which is a bit less harsh than what you seem to be thinking I mean...or am I just being pedantic?

OP posts:
Original poster
emsiewill · 30/08/2007 16:40

Oh, and of course I will report back on this once I am home again after the weekend...

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 30/08/2007 17:03

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if it's been said. I actually like what you're sister in law said (I'm vehemently anti smacking and anti threats)

because it says to your daughter "The whole world is not like your mum and when you're in my house you get treated differently".

If it was your partner then I wouldn't say this but she's her auntie and I think it's good for kids to realise that other people are different.

Very respectful of your sis not to hit her and respects your boundaries and stick with the way you parent - she sounds lovely.

WideWebWitch · 30/08/2007 18:36

Sorry if I misinterpreted that Emsiewill.

Tinker · 31/08/2007 00:47

I think your sil sounds great. Agree with those who have said that she's not used her methods of discipline on your daughter.

I always relate to your posts about your 10-year-old emsie because she sounds so like mine - "fiery". I think it would pull my daughter up sharply if she heard from someone else how unacceptable her behaviour was. But I would also put it behind you now.

nappyaddict · 31/08/2007 01:19

maybe you could say something along the lines og i heard from dd2 that dd1 misbehaved when you had her but she wouldn't tell me the full story. i hope she wasn't too bad and you can get sil's side of the story?

i would be glad she hadn't actually slapped her and that my dd had learned that if some other children behaved like her they would be.