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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only speaking to husband/business partner

61 replies

namechanger0989 · 17/01/2020 09:39

So.... me and my husband have our own business, we are equal partners and work equally together.

We have a contract with another business. The procurement/contract manager has been down to today to speak to us. She is female (kind of relevant).

She came to me and asked for my hubby, I said he's busy can I help? She said no, I just want a word with hubby and refused to speak to me.

She then took him to one side and asked him some questions about the business.

I am fuming that she did this! It's so patronising and unprofessional.

When I spoke to hubby after he thought I was over reacting. I'm annoyed at him too for not saying something.

More annoying is that he has answered half of the questions she asked wrong as he didn't know the info (which I did as I deal with most of the part of the business she was asking about)

This is not the first time it's happened and it's really pissing me off.

So firstly, AIBU to be annoyed? Secondly, help me word a professional email telling her that I'm not happy.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 17/01/2020 09:44

It is very annoying and unprofessional of her. When you say you have a contract with her, does this mean she/the company she works for is a customer of yours?

whyamidoingthis · 17/01/2020 09:48

To be honest, I think your reaction is very unprofessional. I really don't think you can write an email saying you're not happy without coming across as someone to be avoided. I assume she had previously dealt with your dh so wanted to carry on dealing with him. Nothing unprofessional or patronising about that. The fact she is female is irrelevant.

The big issue here is your dh not making sure he was giving the correct information. If he doesn't know the facts, he should check before answering. I would be having a discussion with him about that as he is also being unprofessional.

The only email you should send is one apologising for the wrong information and giving the correct information.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/01/2020 09:55

Has something happened that makes you distrust your husband?

That will be what comes across if you email, as it does from your post, and I wouldn't be surprised if they decided to stop doing business with you to avoid any potential drama.

Your husband is at fault here for giving wrong information and not referring back to you for the things he didn't know.

MayFayner · 17/01/2020 09:58

Is she a client or a supplier? If she’s a client you can’t do much. If you’re her client just tell her no, you deal with that side of things, she needs to speak to you.

weeblueberry · 17/01/2020 10:00

Is she definitely aware you’re equal partners in the business and both do all roles? She may have had an idea that he does one aspect and you do another and her questions were better suited to him?

Original poster
namechanger0989 · 17/01/2020 10:02

She hasn't previously dealt with husband any more than she has with me and the matter was completely unrelated to anything from the past so no continuity of who she is speaking to.
I am annoyed at husband for giving incorrect info but what he said wasn't a huge deal, I'm more annoyed that he didn't call me over and say actually this person would answer your questions better.

They are sort of a customer. We do need to keep her happy to a certain extent, however she doesn't pay us direct. We provide a service to her staff and visitors.
Think like a car valet service in the works car park or a gift stall in the entrance of the building type of thing.

I wanted to send an email along the lines of
'Our business is joint and we work as equal partners. If you have an issue or a question, you are able to speak to both of us and both of us hold the answers equally'

There was no reason why she couldn't speak to me instead of hubby and it made me feel rubbish that someone would think that he is more important.

I guess I mentioned that she was a woman as I wouldn't expect a woman to do this. Had it have been a man then I would have assumed it to be the every day sexism that we encounter as women.

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 17/01/2020 10:06

The issue here is more your DH, so don't bother sending an email to this customer.

Have a detailed talk with him to go over the ground rules.

Original poster
namechanger0989 · 17/01/2020 10:06

There is definitely no element of not trusting him or this being about her favouring him in a sexual way.
She is older than us and I'm fairly certain she is a lesbian anyway so I'm not worried in that sense.

I'm annoyed that she wouldn't consider me important or intelligent enough to answer her questions.

Maybe I worded completely wrong in op. This is not the first time and there have been other things. She makes it very clear that she considers hubby 'the boss' and me just a minion. That is the issue that I have.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 17/01/2020 10:07

It could still be everyday sexism - women can be as sexist as men. Whatever the reason, I really don't think an email is going to help. If I was her and had what I felt was a genuine reason to speak to a particular person (even if I was wrong!) it would piss me off to receive that.

I know your DH was caught on the hop this time, but if it happens again, he should just say 'actually, namechanger's the expert in that area' and call you over.

AlrightyyThen · 17/01/2020 10:08

“I'm more annoyed that he didn't call me over and say actually this person would answer your questions better.”

This.

This would’ve been what I’d have expected from my partner and it would’ve put her in her place on the spot.

Not sure I would email, but I would make sure DH knew to redirect the questions to you in future and hopefully she would make the same mistake again.

saraclara · 17/01/2020 10:08

You can't write an email like that, sadly. However, your husband could write explaining that some information was incorrect and that in you, his equal partner in the business and the one who has most information on (insert subject) might be her best point of contact in future.

Dontdisturbmenow · 17/01/2020 10:10

Maybe she knew your oh was incompetent and it suited her that he gave her wrong information!

MaintainTheMolehill · 17/01/2020 10:12

I would send her an email outlining the wrong information your husvand gave her and giving her the correct information and then tell her for the future which areas you both individually deal with.

I have did what the woman did before but not because it was a man but because I was comfortable speaking to that person. They would then cut me off and tell me who I should be speaking to. You have a DH problem.

I wouldn't send your planned email.

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/01/2020 10:12

Odd. You see I’d think the opposite was going on.
Usually procurement managers want to talk to their peer in the business a fellow procurement manager or a project manager. They do not usually want to go to the top and bother the boss of the business with minor operational questions.

I think she is treating you like the boss, which is why she is not bothering you with questions when your errand boy/husband can take care of it?

Original poster
namechanger0989 · 17/01/2020 10:15

Maybe you are all right and it's hubby that's the issue.

I just hate that people assume that because he's a man, he must be the boss and know all of the information!

She definitely knows it's a joint venture as I signed all the bloody paperwork! So technically, if she was to 'favour' anyone, it should be me as really it's hubby that's not technically contracted with them!

OP posts:
mum11970 · 17/01/2020 10:18

'Our business is joint and we work as equal partners. If you have an issue or a question, you are able to speak to both of us and both of us hold the answers equally'
Both of you don’t hold the answers equally if your husband gave her the incorrect information. I’d be more inclined to send an email apologising about the misinformation, supplying the correct details and possibly ending the email with ‘you can contact me anytime if you have any more questions’. Hopefully this will get the message across without creating any antagonism.

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/01/2020 10:20

Yep, see that was my question. I used to be a procurement manager.

Since you are signatory authority on the contract, she knows you are the boss. She then most probably thinks that hubby works for you and is her peer in your business and therefore who she is supposed to bother with questions.

I think she is probably unclear on how you have a partnership? Being older she is probably used to more hierarchical business structures.

pinkyredrose · 17/01/2020 10:22

It's not her it's your husband.

PlanDeRaccordement · 17/01/2020 10:22

I would honestly have a quick face to face with the three of you and chat about working relationship, lines of communication, etc than start an email chain which is sure to cause misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

pinkyredrose · 17/01/2020 10:23

Plus men often think women are overreacting when faced with sexism, male privilege means they've never experienced it so don't understand it.

FlossieTeacakesFurCoat18 · 17/01/2020 10:25

Don't write the email, however tempting it is to set her straight there's no way to do it without sounding a bit nutty.

Do tell your husband to say that you're the person to talk to about x. She can't exactly argue "No, I want you to tell me!"

Gizlotsmum · 17/01/2020 10:25

I would get your husband to contact her with the correct information, explainung in the future she is welcome to deal with either of you. It may not be sexist it may be that she has dealt with him previously so views him as her contact.

Jaxhog · 17/01/2020 10:26

Don't send the email. It will not solve the problem and will make you look unprofessional.

Instead, talk to your DH and ask him to refer future requests to you when appropriate. If she does this again, ask nicely what it's in connection with. If it's your area, firmly but politely say that she must deal with you.

misspiggy19 · 17/01/2020 10:26

To be honest, I think your reaction is very unprofessional. I really don't think you can write an email saying you're not happy without coming across as someone to be avoided. I assume she had previously dealt with your dh so wanted to carry on dealing with him. Nothing unprofessional or patronising about that. The fact she is female is irrelevant.

^I agree

skiptheskip · 17/01/2020 10:28

If you have an issue or a question, you are able to speak to both of us and both of us hold the answers equally

But you don't. Your husband gave her a bunch of wrong answers Confused

Your DH should have called you over at the time.

I would suggest your husband sends her an email saying "sorry, it's been brought to my attention that I've given you some wrong information. To save any further crossed wires I've copied OP into this email, she will be in touch to discuss your requirements/the issues and provide you with the correct information".

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