Only speaking to husband/business partner

[namechanger0989]

So.... me and my husband have our own business, we are equal partners and work equally together.

We have a contract with another business. The procurement/contract manager has been down to today to speak to us. She is female (kind of relevant).

She came to me and asked for my hubby, I said he's busy can I help? She said no, I just want a word with hubby and refused to speak to me.

She then took him to one side and asked him some questions about the business.

I am fuming that she did this! It's so patronising and unprofessional.

When I spoke to hubby after he thought I was over reacting. I'm annoyed at him too for not saying something.

More annoying is that he has answered half of the questions she asked wrong as he didn't know the info (which I did as I deal with most of the part of the business she was asking about)

This is not the first time it's happened and it's really pissing me off.

So firstly, AIBU to be annoyed? Secondly, help me word a professional email telling her that I'm not happy.

I don't think I've explained very well. She definitely sees him as the boss and me as a minion.

The conversation they had was a conversation you would have with senior management so it's not a peer thing or anything. Plus we are not that big of a business. It's mostly just me and hubby.

I signed paperwork but we were both there, I just happened to be the one with the pen in my hand.

So without sending the email, how do I make her see that she needs to deal with me as an equal?

You don't your husband does. He can defer her to you for answers, copy you into everything

Or you may just have to live with her assumption

So without sending the email, how do I make her see that she needs to deal with me as an equal?

You don't. Your husband does. He needs to refer her back to you, and reference that you're an equal team when it's natural to do so.

If you're correct that she believes you are a minion, she's not going to listen to your demands that you are treated equally; she's going to dismiss them and carry on as she was.

OP I dealt with this all the time.

One time a client sat in my office and said "so what do you do? A bit of admin'.

I pointed out that I started the business, launched it, did marketing, customer service and basically everything else that didnt include the physical building of the product.

Its shit and it happens. How you deal with it is how you shit it down.

The fact that you have reacted this way and want to email her your feelings, to me suggests that you dont always handle things well. Maybe you have come across as a bit more difficult to deal with than your husband.

Email her, saying you are aware of the converstation and apologise that she was given the wrong Information. Give her the correct information and advise you look after that area of the business.

Wether she has some unconscious bias or there was a genuine reasons she did this, emailing a business contact with how they made you feel will not improve the situation at all.

Pressed post too soon.

You husband could have dealt with this by being honest that he didnt know the area of the business as well as you and involving you in the situation.

He shut you out as much as she did. He knows that's your area and decided he could answer for you.

The information he gave her is not a big deal and does not need correcting, I guess I wrote that to highlight the fact hubby is not helping.

It was info like saying for eg 'wife went to xxx on Sunday morning' when actually i went on Sunday afternoon. Doesn't actually affect anything or matter, just annoying that he's viewed as the one who is all wise and knowing but actually isnt. Does that make sense?

Does it really matter how she sees you?

Your h is wrong here. If he didn't know the answers to her questions, he should have called you over and said to the woman, 'this is X. She's my business partner and she deals with this area so she's much better placed than I am to answer your questions' and left you to it.

It was info like saying for eg 'wife went to xxx on Sunday morning' when actually i went on Sunday afternoon. Doesn't actually affect anything or matter, just annoying that he's viewed as the one who is all wise and knowing but actually isnt So his wrong info was getting Sunday morning & afternoon mixed up? Morning or afternoon isn’t even relevant

God you need to chill out 🙄

Why didn’t you just say to her “ Well I am co owner so there is nothing I can’t help you with, and my DH is currently busy so me it is I’m afraid”

No you can’t send an email without looking like some mad woman that must be avoided in future.

You are all right, I will try to speak to hubby again.

For pp saying I don't handle things well or I'm difficult to deal with. that is definitely not the case. It's an ongoing issue that I have dealt with for a year and half, we do not see this lady much as she has not been our direct contact until recently.

Maybe emailing is not the right way and was a bit of a knee jerk reaction that I would never have actually sent.
I seem to be hitting a brick wall with husband and so I wanted to try to think of an alternative way to deal with this myself.
Maybe it's more an age thing than a sex thing? I don't know. I'm mid thirties, but people often think I'm only in my twenties.

I think next time I will just have to be more assertive and I will speak to husband later about how much it upsets me. I guess it's difficult for him because, apart from today, he also can answer the questions. So I guess he also doesn't want to say 'I don't know, you will have to speak to wife' and look incompetent either.
Maybe as this is important to me, I might have to ask him to take an occasional one on the chin to help me.
Just as a note, I have absolutely no problem with someone speaking to hubby and not me. It's when someone refuses to speak to me and will only speak to him that its a problem.

So it doesnt matter he got it wrong?

So he could infact answer the questions.

I honestly, think that maybe your reaction to things is maybe why she preffered to speak to your husband. Not, that you are a woman.

Her attitude sucks and it would annoy me too. But I think an email would be unprofessional and I think your DH has exacerbated this. Does he often pretend he knows information rather than refer customers/clients to you?

I run a business with my DH. He has no problem telling people when they should speak to me. Also, once when I was commissioning an item of work and the contractor said he'd need to check with DH (implying DH was the 'real' boss) DH completely supported me when I cancelled the order.

Given your last update, I think you need to have a breather and let this one go.

So the wrong info he gave her is irrelevant anyway.

Sending any email now will make you both look petty and unprofessional.

Accept that she prefers to deal with him. Sometimes people don't feel they 'gel' and r have a connection with certain people.

Your problem is with your DH. He should know the limits of his knowledge and competence and refer clients to you (by name and job title obvs) when the task requires yours.

Pink hearts it wasn't that exact info.

A lot of people were saying to email and apologise for mistakes.
What I mean is that it's not worth correcting the info on the clients behalf as it will make no difference to them. It's just irritating that he is seen as all knowing by this woman but actually isn't.

Sounds like you have a DH problem. He does not seem to value your input it to the business.

Read him the riot act.

"She makes it very clear that she considers hubby 'the boss' and me just a minion. That is the issue that I have."

The issue here is With your husband.
Why do you Not want to address the core issue here?

ask him that from now on all dealings with this woman, are dealt with by you.

But, really, he needs to seriously think about the respect towards you generally, especially in business, and how he handles these things going forward.

I'm with you OP - I'd be annoyed about that too. I'd be annoyed at both of them, but possibly more so your DH at a) not correcting her; and (mostly) b) not seeing the problem with it.

I am also a director in a business and my business partners are male. Thankfully it doesn't happen very often, but I have been on the similar receiving end of this type of everyday sexism. It's even worse somehow when it comes at the hands of a woman though.

On the other hand, it worked in my favour when an annoying salesman dropped by unexpectedly while I happened to be standing in reception. He was easy to get rid of as I told him none of the directors were available and I'm pretty certain he thought I was the receptionist, rather than senior management.

Thanks everyone, I'm going to leave it here as I think it's maybe gone a little off topic. Maybe I worded it wrong or some people just misunderstood.

I'm definitely going to speak to DH going forward. I won't send the email but next time she comes down and refuses to speak to me I will try to be a bit more assertive (in a nice and professional way) and make it clear that she needs to speak to me.

It's not a gel/clashing issue. She has been like this since day 1 so I will just try to be the one who gives her the info etc and hopefully she will start to respect my position.

So I guess he also doesn't want to say 'I don't know, you will have to speak to wife' and look incompetent either.

He doesn't need to look incompetent. He needs to help you in making sure that the client treats you as a unit, a business pair...

I have to do the same for my fiancé because this was my business first, and most of my regulars forget that he works here too. It's not malicious, but one or two do come directly to me for anything, even if he's better placed to help. I have to redirect them, nicely, I have to be the person pushing the rhetoric that we're a team and including him in things, so that I set the right scene for them.

Your husband is playing a pretty big part in letting this continue by not helping you and I'd explore why. It's unlikely to be malicious, but does he perhaps like feeling needed by a few clients? Is it a bit of an easy confidence boost?

You can't just deal with it yourself because A, she won't listen, it needs to come from the person she wants to deal with, and B, you're supposed to be a team, which means the business things that are important to you are also important to him.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I think it's quite likely that she finds your husband easier to deal with than you.

You obviously don't find her a joy to deal with yourself, so if you and H are equal just let her deal with her preferred human. She's a gatekeeper to your clients, don't piss her off with such a non-issue.

They are both the issue, but husband is the only one who can be approached to sort it out. In future he should only organise joint meetings

I've seen exactly the same thing play out between a senior and middle manager (both male as it happens), where a client bypassed the MM he should have been dealing with and went to the senior person. When the MM brought it up with the SM, the SM said 'oh I don't mind', as if the MM was apologising for the SM's time being taken up. The MM said 'but I do' and explained that, by effectively doing the MM's job with this client for him, the SM was endorsing the client's view that the MM wasn't competent to deal with a task that feel squarely within his remit. The SM should have referred the client back to the MM.

Your DH should have referred this client to you, if you're the right person to be dealing with her. Unless there's some prior business relationship that overrides that.

Talk to your DH about it. Tell him he's undermining you professionally, if that's how you see it.

Right this is a tough one.

I run my business but don't have a business partner so disclaimer - I haven't had this myself.

But

She may well prefer dealing with your husband for a huge number of reasons. As a client, I sometimes prefer one person from a supplier company and would never have considered they might think it was because of my gender, especially if it was a woman.

Needless to say I would never be rude and dismiss someone the way she did you,

Your DH should definitely have professionally tried to include you in the conversations, for example replying via email ccing you and saying namechanger has actually been dealing with this and I'm sure will be happy to update you on the project, please do let her know if you have any further questions as she has been taking the lead on this.

Please don't jump to the conclusion she sees you as lesser than / weaker. Some suppliers I prefer talking to because I prefer the way they explain things / have found them to be quicker at responding previously / get on with them better and so think they will be more receptive to my needs.

Sometimes you can't take this personally and retain a client. Yes you are a couple but as business partners you need to play your individual strengths while always feeling like an equal team yourselves.

Have confidence in your partnership but understand that sometimes people just prefer dealing with a particular person.

She was rude to push to speak to him when you were there, I agree, but I think it's a leap to jump to sexism.

Hope this all made sense. Thick skin is required in business and rightly or wrongly, emailing a client to pull them up on something like this will not have any positive effect.

You will need to either build a relationship with her or accept some clients enjoy working with / dealing with a particular person in a business.

Sorry OP I know it probably feels crap