To think it's harder for me?

[gallgal]

I have been ill for over a year, steadily getting worse. My gallbladder is kaput and needs to come out, so we have surgery pencilled for next month.

Since the summer I have been living with:

Daily nausea, exactly like severe morning sickness (I had three HG pregnancies so I don't make this comparison lightly)

Constant moderate to severe pain in my upper abdomen and back that can only really be eased a little with opiates

Extreme exhaustion, probably because of the two previous points

Morning diarrhoea, which conveniently hits exactly at the time I need to get DC1 to school

There have been three occasions where the pain has been so severe that I haven't been able to get out of bed and have had to go to A&E, on these three occasions DH had to arrange to work from home to cover school pickups etc.

But the rest of the time I have been doing everything I was doing before as a SAHM to two small children, just doing it while feeling like utter dogshit and/or smacked off my tits on prescription painkillers.

So AIBU to want to scream at DH when he repeatedly tells me how hard this whole illness thing has been 'for us' and is a thing that 'we have got to get through'?

Has he been crawling to the bathroom to puke on the reg and I've missed it or something? I haven't seen him doubled over in agony at any point in the last six months.

Today he's been messaging me about how exhausted he feels at work, then - the kicker -
'Think we both feel broken from the last six months'

AIBU to shout at him in caps that he's NOT bloody broken, I AM?

That does sound awful but YWBU to shout. It doesn’t sound fun for him either!

I’ve never been through anything nearly as bad but I had HG over the summer and was bed bound and I know my DH really suffered effectively caring for me, doing all my share of house stuff, commuting and working full time. It’s times like that when I appreciate not being married to a twat.

I imagine he doesn’t mean to minimise your pain but is using language he thinks is helpful, referring to you as a team.

Sounds like you've had a bloody awful time.

So, by extension, has your husband. He's watching someone he loves be in constant pain, unable to do what they want, and getting (I am sure) more and more distressed. Yes, his pain is not the same as yours, but I don't think it's unreasonable for him to say he is having a rough time of it also.

I hope things improve for you soon!

It sounds like it's been awful for you OP but I do kind of agree that it must have been hard for him too.

I think you're being very hard on him!

He doesn't care about me. It's the work stuff he's stressed about. He sent me to A&E with his work diary because he thought that if they scheduled my surgery there and then I would be able to make it work with his work schedule. I was like 'Err, nobody in the NHS gives a fuck about your work schedule'

If he didn't care about you he wouldn't be helping out and changing things so he can work from home. He also wouldn't refer to you as a team. It sounds horrible for you but it will also be horrible in a different way for him. He probably feels powerless to make things better for you. I expect he hates feeling that way.

I think it’s hard for you both in totally different ways. I would hope he is understanding and considerate of the pain you are in and you are understanding and considerate of the additional stress and worry it causes him.

As awful as it will have been for you, it sounds like you’re seriously underestimating the impact this has had on your husband, and it doesn’t sound like he’s been unsupportive.

These things always have a huge effect on the partner as well, especially if there are also small children to manage.

You are not in competition with your husband about who has it worse, and if you want support from him, you should expect to give it back too.

Based on your update alone he sounds like a twat.

Yes it’s harder for you.

If your roles were reversed, and he was the one who was ill, would you be going on about his broken you are by it? No, I don’t think so.

I'm sure it has been hard on him. But its certainly been much harder on you, OP.

As you say, its not as if you're not doing your usual routine alongside with your horrendous illness. You are and you're an absolute trooper for that. I would have more truck with his plight if he was taking on more to get through the situation but it doesn't sound as if he is? Aside from the three times he did the school runs which is prettu standard fare tbh.

YANBU - though I don't doubt he may be suffering in a way, I do feel he can suck it up until you're able to get better.

Through sickness and through health and all that malarkey.

Prepared to accept IABU, grudgingly...

I don't think YABU. It's obviously harder for you, you're the one who is sick. He might be worried about you (though the diary thing doesn't suggest so!) but that's not the same as actually being sick and still having to take care of children, the house and everything else while also worrying.

I understand it's been hard for you but you really are being unreasonable.

If you are having a hard time so is he and you can't brush off the importance of the job, it's how he supports your family! It's not easy to feel that pressure from both sides.

I'd also remind you that you are a partnership with children to care for, you do your bit and he does his. It truly sucks that you have to care for the children when you feel so bad but it sounds like it's been a longer term issue (as opposed to you being sick for a few days) - so what would you have him do stop work to care for you and the children?

I have a chronic condition that means I'm in pain all the time. I've had multiple surgeries and I'm also a sahp to two children.

My DH is out of the house 12 hours a day.

Yes it sucks. Some days I have to drag myself out for school run or let the smallest watch cbeebies all day but we muddle through because we have no choice. And I can assure you my husband also finds it hard to feel all that pressure on his shoulders, we are in it together.

Sorry OP but you have to ask for more help from friends family or muddle through dont take it out on your DH

It's harder on you, yes. But my DP had a life changing injury a few years ago and the toll it took supporting him and working flat out really, really exhausted me. He went through the pain and anxiety and stress of course but I really feel like we, together, went through hell and back and I have had counselling for PTSD partly linked to this despite not going through the physical side myself.

Nah, of course it’s harder for you. You’re allowed to say that. Sure as shitting he’d be saying it if it was him. Tell him.

It isn't a competition. You are having an awful time but sometimes it is really hard watching loved ones suffer and coping with other stuff.

I've been my husband's carer for over 30 years, sometimes it is hard.

Of course it's worse for the person it's happening to.

It can be stressful and distressing for their loved ones but it's not the same! And I think it's selfish to make it about them.

I watched my mother die from cancer. It was traumatic for me but I'm not going to pretend my experience is as bad as what she went through. Holy hell that would be narcissistic.

Your DH sounds like a self-absorbed numbskull.

I hope the op goes well and puts everything right.

I'd rather be ill myself than have DH be ill, in all honesty. Not because I'm a martyr but because I find it so stressful and worrying when he's ill, it's actually less draining to be ill myself!

I've been there OP and it is a properly shit illness, I really feel for you. And tbh I think your DH should have stepped up more if you've been struggling on in pain. But I can definitely understand why he feels broken by it, regardless of how it's impacted him practically.

Hope your surgery goes well and you're pain-free soon. It was pretty life-changing having mine removed.

He sent me to A&E with his work diary because he thought that if they scheduled my surgery there and then I would be able to make it work with his work schedule
I originally had sympathy but this is just ridiculous.

CAN YOU GO TO A&E? My sister suffered with this, and the doctor told her the next time she had an attack to go and sit there and insist on the operation there and then. You shouldn't be left like this. It's actually wicked to leave you suffering. And yeah your husband sounds like a p though to be fair illness is hard on the partner who's not sick too - speaking from experience..... not that you don't feel sorry for them, just that you wish things could be 'normal'.

YANBU that you have it physically worse. I had the same thing in my early 20s, after losing a LOT of weight very quickly and I was throwing up bile multiple times a day, and lost even more weight as I couldn’t keep anything down.
It’s shit, it’s draining and the anxiety that you’ll throw up again contributes to the bad stomach.
I’m lucky (in a way) that I became jaundiced and they hospitalised me to operate ASAP after a few months.

However I’m sure your DH has been picking up the slack, trying to sort his life around your illness (hence the diary thing - not many people can just say they’ll be off and their employer not care - and of course it’s hard to see someone you love in pain.
The aftercare isn’t too taxing but you’ll need to be laid up for a while afterwards, I slept on a padded reclining garden chair in my then living room as it was easier than getting out of bed.
I imagine it’ll be twice as hard with children and so he’ll have to do extra such as school runs for a while.

YANBU He's an insensitive twat and I'd be telling him so.