To think it's harder for me?

[gallgal]

I have been ill for over a year, steadily getting worse. My gallbladder is kaput and needs to come out, so we have surgery pencilled for next month.

Since the summer I have been living with:

Daily nausea, exactly like severe morning sickness (I had three HG pregnancies so I don't make this comparison lightly)

Constant moderate to severe pain in my upper abdomen and back that can only really be eased a little with opiates

Extreme exhaustion, probably because of the two previous points

Morning diarrhoea, which conveniently hits exactly at the time I need to get DC1 to school

There have been three occasions where the pain has been so severe that I haven't been able to get out of bed and have had to go to A&E, on these three occasions DH had to arrange to work from home to cover school pickups etc.

But the rest of the time I have been doing everything I was doing before as a SAHM to two small children, just doing it while feeling like utter dogshit and/or smacked off my tits on prescription painkillers.

So AIBU to want to scream at DH when he repeatedly tells me how hard this whole illness thing has been 'for us' and is a thing that 'we have got to get through'?

Has he been crawling to the bathroom to puke on the reg and I've missed it or something? I haven't seen him doubled over in agony at any point in the last six months.

Today he's been messaging me about how exhausted he feels at work, then - the kicker -
'Think we both feel broken from the last six months'

AIBU to shout at him in caps that he's NOT bloody broken, I AM?

I don't think YABU.
I am sure you accept that it's also been a trying time for him, but I think he needs to find someone other than you to vent his frustration on, not make out you're both going through the same thing together.

Does he have close friends?

When my friend's wife was very ill he used to come over and get all his anger and frustration out with me over a cuppa.

Yanbu OP. I suspect the PP, nor your arse of a DH have had gallbladder disease.

I hope you feel much better soon and sufficiently well to deal with his arseholery. I suspect you are going to be mighty angry when you are fully recovered and look back on what you were dealing with.

Get yourself on the list I forget what it's called but I did it which meant if a last minute no notice slot was free in surgery I'd get a call.

I feel your pain I really do I suffered with the same symptoms for 2 years before a doctor took me seriously and survived on morphine for 6 months before surgery. Sadly the surgery didn't relieve the symptoms and 6 months later I was in having an enlarged appendix out.... crappy few years but the relief you will feel after will be immense.

I then 3 months after that fell pregnant and sods law have had nausea and sickness all day and all night.... I forget what feeling normal is like!!

If OH isn't understanding just do the bare minimum and let him pick up the slack... he'll soon realise how much you do.

Sending well wishes!

Of course it's harder for the one enduring severe physical pain. It's also hard for family members who have to give support and double up on all the usual family tasks because the other partner is physically out of action but it's far worse for you as you are going through all that pain. Also having to face the operations ext to try for a cure with all of the fear and anxiety that engenders.

I feel for your dh as it's a difficult time all round but it is not unreasonable for you to feel that it is even worse for you. Best wishes op

**Does he have close friends?

When my friend's wife was very ill he used to come over and get all his anger and frustration out with me over a cuppa.

This is great advice from theorig . You are both struggling but from different angles. He is talking to you as you are his normal support system but clearly you aren't in a place right now to be sympathetic. It he is getting support elsewhere he can support you better - and annoy you less!

What has he had to change - every day? What extra tasks has he taken on morning and evening? How is he making your life easier than normal, so you can rest, every day?

OP, just out of interest, have you been checked for Coeliac Disease? There is a link with gall bladder problems, plus the diarrhoea and abdominal pain you mention are also symptoms of Coeliac disease. Tiredness is very common with Coeliac disease as iron absorption is reduced.
Hope you get your surgery soon x

And, as pp said, would you describe 'us' as 'broken' if he was the ill one. Or would you be doing everything you could to make his life easier?

Far and away the standout line for me is I have been doing everything I was doing before as a SAHM to two small children

That seems so extraordinary. Yes, there's unavoidable daytime stuff that only the person at home can do but there's so much that the other person can take on in the evenings / at weekends, to lighten the overall load considerably.

sorry you're having such a shit time OP, going just off what you said though in your OP I think you are being a bit hard on your DH (although your second post makes him sound like a bit of an idiot, granted)

He doesn't care about me.

If that’s true then you need to get rid. I think if he’s not doing anything extra towards the house/kids due to your illness then l can see why his comments annoyed you. He should be supporting you and doing what he can to make things easier for you until you’re feeling better.

I had a bad time health wise a few years ago. It lasted a few years and my life changed hugely. I felt ill and tired most of the time. Although I was the one dealing with the physical symptoms, it definitely affected my partner too. His life had to change too, he had to do more of the childcare, house stuff, drive me to hospital appointments. He working full time as well. That sounds very different to your situation though.

I hope your surgery improves things for you and you’re feeling better soon.

If one person is consistently ill of course it becomes very tough for the other person. Except no one asks how they sre coping.

You've had a terrible time, so your husband is by extension having a shit time of it too. It's not a competition, but yes you have it harder.

Nowcer if he doesn't care about you then it's time to end it. And that's something else entirely.

my dh had an awful time last year following a RTA and being bed bound at home (on a hospital bed) for much of the year. It was horrendous for him but it was also horrendous for me.

the worry over taking care of him and making sure he was ok, his drugs where topped up etc. the constant worry of infections and the many calls to out 111 for advice and home visits etc.

but more than that, it was the total load of all the house hold falling to me, dc pick ups and drop offs and plus working full time. When i get home usually once the dc in bed i can chill but i couldn't as i had to then take care of him.

Don't get me wrong i would do anything for DH and don't begrudge him but it was mentally and physically tiring for me aswell. Which he acknowledge himself.

Sounds like things are crappy at the moment and not surprisingly you feel like you’re reaching your limit and feel you’re not being appreciated.

YANBU

He doesn’t care about me

I don’t know if he cares about you or not. Could you (calmly) ask him? And tell him how you’re feeling?

Also good advice above re him (and you) getting support from other friends/ family.

No coeliac, @sprucetree, that was one of the first things they checked. Then I had an abdominal ultrasound and my gallbladder was full of crap.

I understand that a lot of men just leave when their wives/partners are seriously ill, claiming they can't 'cope'.

Yours hasn't. In fact, he's thrown in even though he works FT, to be there when you can't function. The stress of the entire situation will be affecting him as well.

YABU.

I hope you get your surgery soon and are able to find a new and improved healthy normal. Good luck.

You have my complete sympathy OP, my mum had the same and my dad was often just as thoughtless as your DH is being, in the end I'd had enough of his utter lack of empathy and had words with him.

So, YANBU.

That effects both of you.

It is perfectly ok for your DH to feel like he has been through the wringer. It is fine for him to want to complain about it.

The problem is that he has chosen the wrong person to complain to. He needs to pick someone outside, not the person who has had it worse. He's had it bad. You've had it terrible. He needs to go for a pint with his best mate or mum and complain to him/her.

..and perhaps really what he wants is (more?) acknowledgement from you that you appreciate his support.

YANBU, he can think that sometimes but he shouldn't say it as he must know it'd make you feel bad.

Get well soon- hugs xxxxx

I am so sorry to hear how hard this is for you. I have Multiple Sclerosis and I’m in my second nightmare pregnancy and my husband is my rock. He’s patient and relentlessly helpful and supportive. But I know that doesn’t mean it isn’t really hard for him. I am constantly sick and exhausted and as a result he doesn’t sleep well, gets zero time to himself and does a lot of the leg work in terms of looking after out 4yo. He’s also had to take lots of time off work to look after me and this has caused him issues with his job. I worry a lot about the fact that he doesn’t complain but it’s not really his nature. However frankly he is exceptional. I’ve had many relationships and even the nicer guys would have struggled. Even my mother often tells me how hard my neediness is for her which makes me want to punch her in the face, so I get it. I want to scream I’d do anything to have my health and independence back! How dare you talk about how hard this is for you. I often think if the situation were reversed perhaps I would struggle to be as patient as my husband. Yes it’s harder for me, and sometimes I do shout and say you have no idea how I feel etc but the bottom line is that he will never really understand and ultimately we are alone in our suffering. But if you have someone who is willing to be there for you and support you, I think indulge him in a little complaining because that’s worth its weight in gold. As my charming mother put it, “anyone else would have left by now”. Don’t underestimate how challenging it is for him, accept that it’s way harder for you and he doesn’t really get it. Also indicate that you understand that it’s tough on the whole family because it is, and finally, if he’s trying to communicate something to you, be sure to really hear it. Good luck xxx

Its hard on you both. It isnt a competition.

I had HG through all of my pregnancies, literally sleeping on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet... meaning my husband was doing EVERYTHING while also working full time. Obviously that was mentally and physically draining for him, as well as having to watch his wife suffering.

My husband had surgery for 2 hernias. He couldn't do anything for 6 weeks. I was working a lot of night shifts at the time, so I was carrying the full weight of the household, all kids drop off and pick up plus working with next to no sleep. Yes he was in pain, but I had it hard too.

But we are a partnership. We roll with punches. No need to be scoring points or competing with each other. It's not healthy.

Have they checked your pancreas? YANBU. I went though similar.

Just a suggestion, can you put the children in with a childminder while you are struggling? Or get some help at home?
I suggest you both look for easing your burden together, and not argue about it now.