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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm too old?

59 replies

Travis1 · 16/01/2020 14:51

As of Christmas Eve 2019 myself and DH have been TTC for 10 years.

I have PCOS and I'm overweight. Struggle with emotional eating know what I 'should' do have just seriously struggled to do it. On and off the diet wagon for years etc etc. I'm now in a bit of a rhythm with gym and calorie deficit but the reality is I still have to lose around 8 stone to qualify for any kind of NHS fertility treatment.

This year I turn 35....I've always kind of had it at the back of my head if it hadn't happened by now then we should give up. I don't want to be an 'older' first time mum. I remember how excited I was when we first started trying, before I was diagnosed and we knew anything was wrong with me.

I've heard every story under the sun about 'such and such were trying for years and then they forgot about it and it just happened' or 'ohhhh that's what Victoria Beckham has and she's got 3 kids' etc etc

I need to have the conversation with DH about where we go for here, I tried last night but he just thinks 'it'll happen' Hmm and thinks I'm being ridiculous over age but AIBU to think I'm getting too old now. We should accept that we won't have a family and just enjoy our lives as they are?

oh and adoption is out. My family and history is like a whos who of who you wouldn't want near your kids(and I'm NC with them all as well now so not really got much in terms of family support)

OP posts:
Greenglassteacup · 16/01/2020 14:54

You aren’t too old, that’s nonsense.
I wish you all the best

Greenglassteacup · 16/01/2020 14:55

Also if you have no contact with problematic family members, why would adoption not be an option?

ALbigbump · 16/01/2020 14:57

You are not too old, but you sound to me like you’ve decided it’s time for you to give up

soupmaker · 16/01/2020 14:58

Had my first at 37, second the week before I turned 43.

incognitomum · 16/01/2020 14:59

No you aren't too old at all.

Try to be kinder to yourself. Sounds like you may not have had a very nurturing upbringing? If so no wonder you have your own problems regarding looking after yourself.

Have you tried any holistic treatments to try to relax you more. Any counselling?

ThebishopofBanterbury · 16/01/2020 15:37

You have enough time. It's not impossible after 35. I had my second at 38. Definitely stick to your diet plans though. Have you tried the "my fitness Pal" app? I have lost alot on it, you have to be totally honest about inputting all your food though.

katy1213 · 16/01/2020 15:41

You're not too old. But it's fine to decide you've had enough and to enjoy the life you've got.

Pinkbonbon · 16/01/2020 15:43

You certainly aren't to old! But you should get your weight down before TTC. Otherwise when it happens you may pile on more and then your health would take a turn for the worse. And that wouldn't be fair on you or the child.

I think you should stop trying and concentrate on you. A bit if self love is what you need.

No more yoyo, calorie deficit diets either. Start eating healthy and maybe join a support group for it such as ww or sw.

Don't say never. Just, not right now.
8 stone is a lot of extra weight to be the minimum you need to lose for fertility treatment. This really should tell you something.

Get yourself healthy first.

toodivineforthehumanmind · 16/01/2020 15:44

Not too old at all, you've got a long time yet! Look at Janet JacksonWink

Singlenotsingle · 16/01/2020 15:53

You're not too old, but if you're very overweight it makes it more difficult to conceive. Something to do with hormones I think. And not only that, but childbirth itself is more difficult, and if you did manage to have a baby, they take so much energy! Once they begin to crawl and toddle, you're on your feet all the time chasing around after them, and you need every scrap of energy you can get.

So you must, must MUST lose some weight! Not necessarily 8 stone, but a lot! Slimming World here you come!

rattusrattus20 · 16/01/2020 15:57

I think the NHS allows IVF up to a BMI of about 30, so I doubt you need to lose 8 stone unless you're around say 20 stone? If you are currently that heavy then maybe motherhood wouldn't be right.

35 isn't too old.

Original poster
Travis1 · 16/01/2020 16:00

Thanks, I'm just sad a lot of the time. Not sad depressed just when it seems like I'm surrounded by people having babies and I think what have I done wrong that I don't deserve that?

@ThebishopofBanterbury I use a bit of MFP alongside the app from my PT(when his app doesn't have a certain food I look it up via MFP)

@singlenotsingle unfortunately slimming world has never worked for me long term. Too many tweaks and too much pasta etc. It's amazing what an axtual 75g portion of pasta looks like compared to what i used to make! Energy not so much of a big deal, think I'm used to my weight, I lift heavy and do well in the gym it's the emotional eating I struggle with. Do need to start working on getting my cardio fitness level back up. Going to join a boxercise class at our gym on Saturday Confused

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 16/01/2020 16:11

The average age of having your first baby is now 29 and increasing every year, and there a re more first time mothers over 40 than there are under 20.

MouseBatMummy · 16/01/2020 16:15

OP, just want to say that you're doing exactly the right thing working with a pt and slowly tackling your weight. It takes some courage to do that ( and join boxercise!) when you have 8st to shift. I know - I've been there Stick with it - you're doing great.

It's not about you not deserving what seems to come easily to others. It's bad luck. There is still time for you. Smile

namechange1041 · 16/01/2020 16:17

Boxercise class will be great for burning fat OP so definitely try and stick at it.
Also just do some little extra bits of cardio every day.
Like run up the stairs every time you go up instead of walking. Just little things like that will contribute to weight loss and you won't even realise you're doing it half the time.
As for food, I can't really help other than to suggest smaller portions and no snacks unless it's fruit. And fill yourself up on fruit and veg rather than anything sweet or junky.

Oh and 35 is definitely not too old! SmileFlowers

coragreta · 16/01/2020 16:21

You aren't too old but you need to lose weight. I was ttc for ages and got pregnant the month my weight fell into the healthy bmi range. Make it a lifestyle change and don't give in. Ttc motivated me in a way I haven't been since. I lost 4stone (and put 2 back on since kids). Make that your priority.

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 16:24

OP if you want to give up with the idea of TTCing, it is fine.
I didn't want to be an older mother either. I don't care if others do and think it is not too old, I do.

Pinkbonbon · 16/01/2020 16:34

I can't eat pasta (even wholewheat) or I put on weight, even though you can eat it on the sw diet it doesn't mean you should.

It's more about finding what works for you and still having a support group there, whether it is sw or somewhere else.

Could you maybe join a zumba class or something seen as you enjoy your exercise. Having other ppl with the same goals around might help :)

Honestly when it comes to losing weight, 90% of it is diet. Being fit is good and the exercise helps with that. But for weight, it's mostly what you put in that counts.

And (tough love time) its good that you feel fit and healthy but its still doesn't make it OK to be 8 stone over a healthy weight. Plus whatever else on top if a baby came along.

You can lose it, you just need to find the right balances of the foods that work for you. Easier said than done of course!

Somebodystired · 16/01/2020 16:38

I'm going to be brutally honest OP and I am saying it to be kind - if you've been TTC for ten years with no success, it probably isn't going to happen. I'm so sorry.

Being NC with problematic family members won't prevent adoption, neither would having a rough history. They want adopters who have overcome struggles. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk about it?

Traffy · 16/01/2020 16:42

It's very personal, but for me my cut-off was 35 too.

It was tough when I then turned 35 without success, but after so long TTC (years and years) it was a relief in a way to accept the journey was over, it was very much a positive and I was able to move forward in my life.

Mlou32 · 16/01/2020 16:49

35 is in no way too old to have kids, why would you think that?

If you need to lose weight then healthy eating, exercise is the way forward. Keep going.

BIWI · 16/01/2020 16:59

You're definitely not too old!

If you have PCOS though, weight loss is a struggle. The most effective approach would be a low carb diet - have you tried that? Why not join the low carb Bootcamp on here? Fist week has just started - there's another poster there with PCOS.

mistermagpie · 16/01/2020 16:59

You're not too old (I have three children, had them all after 35 and I'm not like some old hag at the nursery gates or anything) but you might just be 'done' with trying and that is absolutely understandable and your choice.

If you have been trying for ten years with no success then it might not happen for you and it must have been exhausting emotionally, you are well within your rights to call it quits and move on with your life. You do need to properly speak to your DH though because if he isn't in the same page as you then you will have a problem.

BarbedBloom · 16/01/2020 17:06

I have PCOS too and slimming world doesn't work at all, too carb heavy. OP, the biggest thing you need to do is break your connection with food and stop using it as a crutch. I have been there too. No diet is ever going to work unless you can do that. Go and see your GP as there are classes near me for people with disordered eating, which includes people who eat emotionally.

I have found keto worked the best for me, but I couldn't stick to it long term. I now do intermittent fasting, which has worked really well for me, which basically translates as eating between 12 and 8, with sensible portions.

I know I can't manage well without anything sweet at all, so i either have fruit or a hot chocolate now. Forget diets, you need a sustained change in your eating long term. I am nowhere near perfect, but it was being diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis that did it for me, I knew my body needed help and I started an anti inflammatory diet, which also seems to work well with my PCOS.

You aren't too old. I am 38 and have been trying for about 15 years. I have reached the point where I have accepted it probably won't happen for us. Once I lost weight though my cycle regulated itself, even a 10% loss can help with PCOS

Wheresthesandman · 16/01/2020 17:09

No more yoyo, calorie deficit diets either. Start eating healthy and maybe join a support group for it such as ww or sw.

You lose weight by having a calorie deficit though, that’s the only way? You need to be burning off more calories than you’re eating (ideally from healthy meals!), I think it’s about 500 calories a day for a 1/1.5 pound weight loss per week? It doesn’t matter how healthily you’re eating, if you’re eating 2000 calories a day and only burning off 1500 then you’re going to gain weight.

I don’t personally think you’re too old, but I understand that everyone has a cut off and if you have reached yours then that is entirely your decision. Have you been given an indication of how successful fertility treatment is likely to be for you if you do manage to lose the weight?