AIBU to think I'm too old?

[Travis1]

As of Christmas Eve 2019 myself and DH have been TTC for 10 years.

I have PCOS and I'm overweight. Struggle with emotional eating know what I 'should' do have just seriously struggled to do it. On and off the diet wagon for years etc etc. I'm now in a bit of a rhythm with gym and calorie deficit but the reality is I still have to lose around 8 stone to qualify for any kind of NHS fertility treatment.

This year I turn 35....I've always kind of had it at the back of my head if it hadn't happened by now then we should give up. I don't want to be an 'older' first time mum. I remember how excited I was when we first started trying, before I was diagnosed and we knew anything was wrong with me.

I've heard every story under the sun about 'such and such were trying for years and then they forgot about it and it just happened' or 'ohhhh that's what Victoria Beckham has and she's got 3 kids' etc etc

I need to have the conversation with DH about where we go for here, I tried last night but he just thinks 'it'll happen' and thinks I'm being ridiculous over age but AIBU to think I'm getting too old now. We should accept that we won't have a family and just enjoy our lives as they are?

oh and adoption is out. My family and history is like a whos who of who you wouldn't want near your kids(and I'm NC with them all as well now so not really got much in terms of family support)

You aren't too old, but it would help you to get in shape - for your own sanity, becoming fit, active and happy with yourself is a must.

if you don't have a baby, it will be easier to move on.
If you do, it will be a lot easier for your pregnancy, birth and the first year too!

PND touches mothers who were desperate for a baby just as much as the ones who were successful very early on and pretty chilled about it.

35 is nothing, but life is too short to stay miserable.

Yes 35 is too old if that is your decision.
You say that was the cut off in your mind and you don't want to be an older mother , well that is your prerogative.
I was 35 when we had our fourth final unsuccessful ivf . We couldn't waste anymore of our future or throw any more money at this soul destroying head fuck.
For us it was time to wake up.
Other people's reactions were odd , one family member was dismayed that we were ' giving up' but although their intentions were kind they had no idea of the rollercoaster we'd been enduring for years.
You make the right decision for you , your relationship and your sanity .
A forum with a middle class older mum demographic is always going to say you're not too old .
We made our decision 16 years ago and life is good , we love each other very much. You won't grieve forever I promise .

You aren’t too old OP. More women have kids 35-39 than 20-24 now so it’s more the norm than being a younger mum.

OP, I’m going to tell you something now and I want you to listen, because you and I are in exactly the same boat and for the first time ever, I’ve found something that’s got my PCOS by the balls.

I’ve had my PCOS diagnosis 5 years and followed the NHS healthy eating diet advice of high carb low fat eating for that time, gaining 5 stone while I was at it. I’ve got about 10 stone to lose before I’d qualify for IVF and time is running out for me too.

I got fed up and went researching, and it turns out that the absolute worst thing you can eat as a woman with PCOS is a high carb diet. It’s a scandal that the NHS website still points you at the ‘healthy plate’ advice it really is. I’ve run at a calorie deficit most of my adult life and I’ve been hungry and getting fatter ever since. It’s no wonder, now I’ve got my head around the insulin resistance that accompanies PCOS I realise I’ve been eating the exact opposite way than I should have. PCOS should be treated like diabetes, it’s all about reducing your levels of insulin.

2 weeks ago, I took a leap of faith and joined the Mumsnet boot camp. It’s a high fat, low carb diet and honestly, for people like us that have eaten calorie restricted diets forever, it’s piss easy.

Long story short, after 2 weeks eating this way, I’m 13.5lbs lighter. I’ve never lost more than 3lbs in a week on any other diet due to PCOS so you can imagine my disbelief.

What’s more, in the last couple of days I’ve ovulated only 4 weeks after my last ovulation, and prior to that one my last one was 8 months ago. Prior to that, 6 months. I haven’t ovulated successfully with a ‘normal’ gap between them for almost 7 years. PCOS and insulin resistance go hand in hand. Insulin disrupts the normal function of your other hormones, which stops you ovulating and it’s what makes your cycles so irregular, your beard grow long and luscious and your skin go to shit. All the shit things about PCOS basically.

If you can get your insulin to drop, you can get your symptoms under control incredibly quickly. For me it’s only taken 2 weeks to go from full on PCOS hell, to ovulating normally. I cannot stress enough how mad it is, but I’ll take it!

Anyway, if you want to message me and chat please do. Also, pop over to the boot camp thread and lurk for a bit, they’re a lovely bunch. You’ll learn a lot about the low carb, high fat way of eating and it will blow your mind.

You are not too old. I'm going to be harsh. You need to make the weight loss a priority. If you lose enough weight you may not even need fertility treatment. You could easily lose 4 stone in 6 months.

I have pcos. I've struggled terribly with my weight since a teen. I recommend the Michael Mosley blood sugar diet. It's Mediterranean (low but not no carb) and only 800 cals a day for 8 weeks. I went on this diet last year after standing on the scales and discovering I was 16 stone. I was 12 stone by summer time. I'm now pregnant again. Im 42.

I think pcos really responds to this type of diet. I have tried loads of other diets but they either don't work at all (pcos makes you insulin resistant) or I haven't got the willpower to put up with losing a lb a week for eleventy billion years.

Buy the book. Do the diet (not necessarily this diet although it really did work for me and quickly). You are unhappy because there are major things in your life you are unhappy about. Maybe if you can change some of them you will feel a bit more positive. You might also benefit from some counselling. Good luck. Take one step at a time.

Listen to what Teapotdespot and member of seven say.

I have PCOS, have struggled with my weight my whole adulthood, experienced years of infertility and went through ivf before we got lucky.

I don't think you're too old, but what matters is how you feel.

I will say this though. It's tough but I wish someone had said it to me early on....

Being overweight massively affects fertility. I wasn't delayed having ivf due to PCOS but I did have to get my BMI below 30. It's for a reason. Being overweight reduces the chance of it working. PCOS doesn't. And if you need to lose 8 stone to qualify for ivf, your BMI must be quite high. Being overweight makes PCOS symptoms way worse too because all that sugar in our blood when we eat carbs triggers more hormones to be released that flare the PCOS.

No one has a crystal ball to see the future but I honesty think if you lost the weight that would be the thing that could make the difference between having a baby (naturally or assisted) or not.
I kidded myself about the factors affecting my fertility and felt powerless to change them. I could change my weight but I always put it down to another reason. It was easier.

It sounds like it's really hard to get motivated to lose the weight and you're eating emotionally. Maybe getting some counselling to address the root of it might help? And totally agree to keep away from carbs/sugar as much as possible. Easier said than done.

I lived this. Ummed and ahhed. Age wasn't my factor but the rest rings true. Struggled like you wouldn't believe with MH. Managed two DS'. After DS2 I seriously considered jumping off a bridge. PCOS is strongly linked to MH. I started Metformin after this and sertraline. Metformin regulated my cycles and I lost 7.5stone. I fell pregnant with my DD with no trying. More than the fertility it helped me to be me. Not the fat funny one. Not the she would be pretty if one. Just me.

Don't give up on what you want OP. Happy to speak on inbox if you'd like any more details

I turned 37 about a week before I had my third , I always thought I’d have all my kids before 35 and used to think that over 35 was getting too old . So I had three kids in quick succession . I don’t think you need to stop trying at 35 , but I do think that my third pregnancy has physically been the toughest on me . I think that’s the only thing you need to think about at the moment , YOUR health .

Aside from that I would try fir a few more years at least to 39 before thinking about giving up or the alternatives.

I would , though continue to get advise from your doctors to maximise your chances from here on