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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I'm too old?

59 replies

Travis1 · 16/01/2020 14:51

As of Christmas Eve 2019 myself and DH have been TTC for 10 years.

I have PCOS and I'm overweight. Struggle with emotional eating know what I 'should' do have just seriously struggled to do it. On and off the diet wagon for years etc etc. I'm now in a bit of a rhythm with gym and calorie deficit but the reality is I still have to lose around 8 stone to qualify for any kind of NHS fertility treatment.

This year I turn 35....I've always kind of had it at the back of my head if it hadn't happened by now then we should give up. I don't want to be an 'older' first time mum. I remember how excited I was when we first started trying, before I was diagnosed and we knew anything was wrong with me.

I've heard every story under the sun about 'such and such were trying for years and then they forgot about it and it just happened' or 'ohhhh that's what Victoria Beckham has and she's got 3 kids' etc etc

I need to have the conversation with DH about where we go for here, I tried last night but he just thinks 'it'll happen' Hmm and thinks I'm being ridiculous over age but AIBU to think I'm getting too old now. We should accept that we won't have a family and just enjoy our lives as they are?

oh and adoption is out. My family and history is like a whos who of who you wouldn't want near your kids(and I'm NC with them all as well now so not really got much in terms of family support)

OP posts:
stopgap · 16/01/2020 17:12

Have you taken Inositol? Please google. I have PCOS, and it’s helped regulate many of the symptoms, plus many women with PCOS ttc take it as if helps improve fertility.

CatteStreet · 16/01/2020 17:13

35 is not too old - the age at which women are having their first babies is shifting later and later, albeit not that late yet - but your age doesn't seem to me to be the issue. Do you know what is the 'cause' (I know its rarely that simple) of your infertility?

I wouldn't discount adoption just because of your family, as PP say, but both for natural conception and adoption your weight and therefore health is a concern. I think counselling may be a good idea for you, both re the eating and about the TTC situation.

MsMarple · 16/01/2020 17:19

I definitely know my cycle was more regular when I was thinner, so that might be the case for you. It is surely worth persevering for all sorts of reasons apart from fertility? Also, sorry if this is an obvious question, but have you asked for preliminary investigations from GP about your infertility or are you just assuming your size will be a barrier? Maybe there will be something that can be treated whatever your weight? I do know someone who assumed it was their issue with weight for ages, but turned out to be a problem with their DH.

MsRinky · 16/01/2020 17:21

You're not necessarily too old, but you need to accept that it is OK to turn the page on this chapter of your life if that's what is right for you. I have PCOS and "gave up" on trying to have kids when I was younger than you are now. I'm now 47 and very happy with the direction my life has taken. Be kind to yourself.

AlexanderHalexander · 16/01/2020 17:25

Haven’t read the full thread, but if you struggle with binge eating you have an eating disorder.

Go to the GP and insist on help. It may be that specialist treatment will help you lose weight and achieve a natural pregancy.

Would bariatric surgery be an option for you?

ErrolTheDragon · 16/01/2020 17:27

I didn't start TTC until I was 35 - only after that did I find I had PCOS. I had my DD when I was 38.

So you're definitely not too old.

The weight loss and exercise is good for you anyway - whether you have a child or not you're likely to be healthier and happier if you're more active. Would it perhaps help your motivation if there was something you wanted to do other than have a baby which losing the weight would make possible/more enjoyable? An achievable goal come what may IYSWIM?

2020BetterBeBetter · 16/01/2020 17:29

I’m sorry you haven’t had your longed for baby. Flowers

I think YANBU to want to stop TTC and enjoy your lives as they are. However, I do disagree that you are too old - but that’s a subjective view. I wish you well whatever you decide.

dottiedodah · 16/01/2020 17:37

I dont think you are too old, but are probably at the end of the line following years of TTC ,gruelling tests and so on .Why not take a little break for a while ,go on a nice holiday if you can afford it or just a few days in the lakes or wherever .Its very sad to see lots of new Mums showing off their DC but many people are in your position as well .Can you get support from others in the same boat (Online groups maybe ) Have a little time "off" and see how you feel then .Probably a long shot but perhaps a little dog may help you ,they are such lovely creatures and while in no way "replace " having a child offer enormous comfort .

Catapillarsruletheworld · 16/01/2020 17:37

If maybe forgetting about ttc for now and just concentrate on getting yourself healthy for your own sake.

35 isn’t too old for many people, but for others it is. It’s just how you personally feel. But I don’t see why your dubious family should stop you adopting if you are genuinely NC with them though. Maybe start looking into it if it’s something you and your husband would like to do.

If you get yourself into a healthier place physically and mentally, then who knows what will happen, but try to find ways to live your life and be happy with it without your own biological kids.

zafferana · 16/01/2020 17:39

Have you had any support from your GP about losing weight OP? Eight stone is a lot to lose if you don't have any particular plan and while doing exercise is great it won't make you lose weight on its own. You should ask for help with your emotional eating too as that is going to sabotage any good you manage to do with exercise or cutting calories. Does your GP know you're TTC? Have you been offered help from a dietician/weight loss clinic? If not, then now is the time to ask and that's whether you choose to continue TTC or not. Your health is the most important thing here and carrying all that extra weight will really start to tell on your joints and your body as a whole as you age. TBH that is what you need to focus on right now.

flumposie · 16/01/2020 17:40

I had my child at 38. I have friends who had children in their 40s.

Moose42 · 16/01/2020 17:41

This definitely resonates with me. I’m 33, have been ttc for 6 years on and off (we have had some legitimate reasons to put in on hold for a couple of long periods in that time) and I also set a time limit of me being 35. I’m also a little overweight, never been checked for PCOS but I have a regular cycle, but also have reasons I why I don’t think we’d be top choice for adoption.

As 35 gets closer I’m really in two minds about what to do afterwards. It no longer seems all that old to have kids, but then I look at my parents who had their kids before 30 and the freedom they have in their 50s to go on holidays and enjoy early retirement etc...and compare to my cousin who had a child in her mid 40s who has additional needs and her 50s look very different.

And then I read so many happy stories on MN of couples who have kids 35+ and wouldn’t change anything. I think it’s really hard to say definitely no after a certain age if it’s something you really want. For me it’s just hard to decide if I want it enough to keep being disappointed for another decade.

managedmis · 16/01/2020 17:44

Forget exercise, concentrate on diet. In your case, given PCOS, low carb would be good.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/01/2020 17:44

I have pcos and hypothyroidism and also ttc 10 years and you won’t like what I’m going to tell you but I feel I should be honest. You absolutely, 100%, need to lose weight to a normal BMI. That is what kicked started ovulation for me (Metformin and IVF got me all the way to baby). PCOS isn’t like other ovulation disorders - we are lucky in that there is often a lot we can do about it it. it often also results in higher egg reserves and later menopause so it’s possible (if this is your only fertility problem) to get pregnant naturally with treatment and that treatment includes weight loss. You need to stop making excuses and go for it seriously and all the way if you want a baby.

GrumpyHoonMain · 16/01/2020 17:45

Also I am pushing 40, so a lot older than you

Lolacherrycola78 · 16/01/2020 17:49

You are not too old, give yourself a break. I had my first at 37 and 2nd at 38! It took me 6 years to conceive and then they came along like buses! Good luck, look after yourself. X

Marlena1 · 16/01/2020 17:55

I definitely wouldn't think you're too old. I was almost 35 having #1 and 36 on #2. However, if you really wanted it, as you know need to make lifestyle changes, and I really don't understand your issue with adoption at all.

Grumpos · 16/01/2020 17:58

Not too old at all. Had mine at 37 & 39. Feel absolutely fine.

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life so I do understand the emotional eating but I can’t get over the fact that you think it’d be easier to give up on having what you really want and have wanted for 10 years on the basis of not being able to stick to a diet?

Are you having any counselling at all? Could be worth looking into some to deal with all the emotion involved in ttc and any decisions you want to make going forward

waspfig · 16/01/2020 17:59

Apologies if someone has suggested this as I haven't rtft.

I suggest watching 'the magic pill' on Netflix and heading over to low carb boot camp threads on here OP. Low carb, high fat diets are particularly good for PCOS symptoms apparently.

It has completely changed the way I feel about food and my health.

Jimmers · 16/01/2020 18:00

I have pcos, overweight & tried for 13yrs. As soon as I stopped thinking about ttc (and therefore stopped worrying & focussing on it), started some healthy hobbies (karate, walking) & generally deciding it wasn’t going to happen at 35, it out-of-the-blue did!
Don’t lose heart. Lose weight for yourself & the health benefits it will bring. Enjoy sex because it’s sex rather than having that psychological pressure at the back of your mind about conception. You never know - it might just happen x

ittooshallpass · 16/01/2020 18:05

You're definitely not too old. But only you know when it's time to stop TTC. I'm assuming that you've never tried IVF due to your weight?

Ejmorgan · 16/01/2020 18:09

Have a look at pcos diets as there are a huge amount of things they suggest to avoid that are allowed on other diets . It may not help but it may gl xx

hamstersarse · 16/01/2020 18:11

Please look up r:ketobabies on reddit

You aren’t too old but you do need to reduce your pcos and your weight

Do you also have insulin resistance?

You really really really need to look at keto to heal your body

Yeahnah2020 · 16/01/2020 18:12

Keto and fasting are definitely the best things for pcos. Cut the carbs and the weight falls off you. The body can’t store fat without carbohydrates so it really works. Give it a go.

Curiosity101 · 16/01/2020 18:12

You aren't too old until your body says you are. Good luck with whatever you choose to do Flowers