Is she being unreasonable - or am I? (Or both?!)

[NewMamaLondon]

Ok, so some background: I have a partner and a baby (under one). I have a friend who is getting married this year (no children). We've known each other for a few years and have never been super close but have seen each other on and off.

So first, she invited me to her hen. It's three nights, abroad - a long flight, not just a Eurostar to Paris kind of situation where those who couldn't make all three nights could just do one or even go for a day at a push. Honestly I just didn't feel able to spend that long away from DC (would still be under one then, and I haven't left for anything like that long before). I explained, apologised, and said I'd like to take her out for a nice afternoon tea to make it up. She replied that she understood and no worries and that would be nice.

Then the wedding invitation arrived. Turns out it is taking place quite a distance away from where we both live - 5hr+ drive. It's also a child-free wedding which friend called me to reiterate and said she knows this means some people won't be able to come but so be it. Due to reasons I won't go into (but nothing ominous!) neither my parents nor PIL can have DC that weekend. Neither me or DH have siblings or other options of people to look after DC. Other thing I should add is that DH is away on business a lot and so we can't be sure that he would be around to look after the baby even if I said I'd go on my own (friend knows this).

So I ended up writing a card and declined, really apologising profusely and politely explaining the difficult situation re childcare and offering to chat more on the phone or in person etc. Friend then called me selfish, said that it's her time and that I should be more respectful of that. She said I was making it all about me (honestly didn't think I was, surely you have to say, politely, why you can't attend something?). Then she told me the friendship was over.

Now I completely understand that she is disappointed - I honestly do - but I also think if you plan a wedding hours away from where you all live and make it child free (when a lot of friends have kids) then not everyone will be able to go. She also said herself that she knew this might happen!

I'd also add that since I had DC she's only been in touch once, despite me inviting her over, out etc several times. The only other contact has been about the hen and wedding.

So: have I been really unreasonable in declining the hen and wedding and the way I behaved in doing so etc?

Keep saying you're really sorry but...
Sod that! OP has already apologised and explained why she can't go. Why should she keep apologising to someone who is so selfish and stupid to think op can just magic away her baby for her convenience, she has told her she is no longer her friend?
She deserves nothing more than being ignored from now on.

She’s not your friend. Good riddance to her!

You definitely have not been unreasonable. If anything she has been harsh by not being more understanding with your situation. I get it is her day but she has chosen to get married ages away and not invite any children and can’t expect everyone to be able to accommodate this! She certainly shouldn’t be calling friends selfish as a result.

Sounds like you are better off without her!

The more you make it difficult for guests to attend the less likely it is that anyone will bother.

She's not a good friend. How does she expect you to drive such a tiny tot all that journey? She IS selfish. Don't apologise as this will only encourage her to verbally abuse you. If she wants people to attend her wedding, she should think about the location of the venue before she calls others selfish.

You have done nothing wrong. Please dont stress out about her

As others have said, having organised a wedding miles away I bet she’s now suffering the consequences with a threadbare acceptance list.

I think you just have to leave her to it OP. Don’t bother trying to apologise or explain. either she stays in a strop long term in which case you’re well rid or she has children and realises why you’ve declined and apologises a few years down the line. Her problem in the end.

Just to be completely honest while trying not to be judgemental, I am childfree but I really don't understand why people have childfree weddings. However I understand it's totally the bride and grooms choice and I wouldn't say anything to them.

If your wedding is far away/on a weekday/childfree/a theme/something out of the ordinary or even a perfectly ordinary weekend wedding where everyone is welcome, you have to accept people might not be able to come and kicking off at people is stupid.

I understand she wants you there but why not find a way around it eg Skype!

She sounds like a dick!!

I had no kids at my wedding, as there would have been about 20 for the day (if you invite one you have to invite them all) and we could only invite 50 (the package we got) so would have meant I couldn’t invite good friends.

I was mindful however not to take the piss for my hen doo. We had a spa day close by for that reason so it was easy for prophetic to get to and 5 of us stayed over but I wouldn’t have expected it from most of them as I knew they had young children.

I didn’t ask my bridesmaids to come to my house the night before either as again I realised they would be leaving their kids on the actual day.

I’d tell her to piss off! Obviously I wouldn’t but I’d not bother with her much.

You can tell she hasn’t got kids at all!!! She’s have more empathy if she did

Yep. Bridezilla.

Sounds like she thought a couple might not be able to come and got a shock when no one is going

but I really don't understand why people have childfree weddings.
I have 4 kids, and I can completely understand!

I’m with everyone else! Yanbu! She’s perfectly reasonable to have her wedding where she wants and with no kids and be wholly focussed on it - it’s probably the biggest most exciting thing in her world so I’d forgive a little “me me me-ness” but you sound like you handled it wonderfully and have really tried to explore all options to still attend and offer nice things to make it about her at other times (I can tell you now the ladies that declined my hen party due to childcare didn’t even message me personally, just told my bridesmaids and I’m still friends with them all!)
I’d probably say something along the lines of “I’m sorry your feelings have been hurt; I’d hoped I’d been clear that I really wanted to be there and am sad not to be able to attend. I really hope you have the day of your dreams”
But then I’m pretty pass-ag!

She's a bridezilla

Even if she did offer that you could take your child, it's far too long in the car on your own to be an easy journey. At that age long journeys are best managed by having another adult in the back or driving through the night.

@ShhImWatchingCorrie

The reasons we had no children at our wedding were

1. there were 20 😳 and the total day guests that we could have was 50 and it would have meant some of my best friends couldn’t go and I didn’t want them but there.

2. we had a package and it was a set price. Had we requested 20 kids meals, they would have added on £15 per child so an expense we couldn’t afford.

3. we put 2 busses on (DH family live one direction my family the other way) so an extra 20 kids/bodies would have meant an extra 2 buses so again another expense

Lastly, I didn’t want kids crying/messing on during the service. We’re only doing it once so I want to remember it being special and not thinking ‘will someone sort that child out’

Also wanted my friends to be able to let their hair down as they seldom get the chance. If the kids were there they wouldn’t have a drink etc....

1. dud to want them not there I mean

Didn’t* ffs 🙄😂

@JosefKeller I just can't imagine not wanting to give everyone I love every opportunity to be at my wedding. If someone doesn't want to bring their kids and wants 'a night off' I can understand and wouldn't mind them not bringing them, as I said I'm not judging people who have childfree weddings, I just don't understand why they do it. Especially when they they throw a tantrum about people who are not able to come!

You say your DH is away on business a lot and you don't know if he'll be around to go alone or not.
This alone sounds like an excuse to me. Unless you're not in this country, he will get annual leave. Giving plenty of notice so he could have the time off. Otherwise you will never be able to plan anything in advance. Ever.
If you don't want to leave the baby so be it. That's fair enough.

She's a nutter. You're well rid.

Brides can be a bit stressy and weird. I’d ignore it all - she wasn’t a close friend so no harm done. If she wants to be friendly later when the wedding is all done and dusted maybe consider a coffee or whatever. But, honestly - no loss for you really.