Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is she being unreasonable - or am I? (Or both?!)

98 replies

NewMamaLondon · 16/01/2020 13:22

Ok, so some background: I have a partner and a baby (under one). I have a friend who is getting married this year (no children). We've known each other for a few years and have never been super close but have seen each other on and off.

So first, she invited me to her hen. It's three nights, abroad - a long flight, not just a Eurostar to Paris kind of situation where those who couldn't make all three nights could just do one or even go for a day at a push. Honestly I just didn't feel able to spend that long away from DC (would still be under one then, and I haven't left for anything like that long before). I explained, apologised, and said I'd like to take her out for a nice afternoon tea to make it up. She replied that she understood and no worries and that would be nice.

Then the wedding invitation arrived. Turns out it is taking place quite a distance away from where we both live - 5hr+ drive. It's also a child-free wedding which friend called me to reiterate and said she knows this means some people won't be able to come but so be it. Due to reasons I won't go into (but nothing ominous!) neither my parents nor PIL can have DC that weekend. Neither me or DH have siblings or other options of people to look after DC. Other thing I should add is that DH is away on business a lot and so we can't be sure that he would be around to look after the baby even if I said I'd go on my own (friend knows this).

So I ended up writing a card and declined, really apologising profusely and politely explaining the difficult situation re childcare and offering to chat more on the phone or in person etc. Friend then called me selfish, said that it's her time and that I should be more respectful of that. She said I was making it all about me (honestly didn't think I was, surely you have to say, politely, why you can't attend something?). Then she told me the friendship was over.

Now I completely understand that she is disappointed - I honestly do - but I also think if you plan a wedding hours away from where you all live and make it child free (when a lot of friends have kids) then not everyone will be able to go. She also said herself that she knew this might happen!

I'd also add that since I had DC she's only been in touch once, despite me inviting her over, out etc several times. The only other contact has been about the hen and wedding.

So: have I been really unreasonable in declining the hen and wedding and the way I behaved in doing so etc?

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 16/01/2020 14:01

I agree, she's a class A bitch. She's done you a favour by ending the friendship. Block her now from all social media and block her number and let her sod off into her little fantasy world with her new husband where life will of course be wonderful for her - until she has a kid and is in your situation!

Weepingwillow123 · 16/01/2020 14:05

Perhaps she’s had quite a few declined invitations and her guests are starting to look a bit sparse ?

Yanbu though .... it was all her doing . Don’t apologise anymore or change your mind .

BumbleBeee69 · 16/01/2020 14:06

I hit the wrong button OP.. sorry YANBU

Not being able to go is fine... her response is not fine... you're well rid

FixTheBone · 16/01/2020 14:07

Tell her to fuck right off, firendship is over, enjoy the rest of her life.

WaltzingMatilda02 · 16/01/2020 14:11

I'd say the wedding stress is getting to her. If she's not that good a friend, then let it go, you don't have to have contact with her. If she means anything to you, maybe try ringing and have a conversation about it.

Jux · 16/01/2020 14:14

Leave her to it and don't worry about it. She took the risk that people might not be able to go and she even explained that to you, "so be it" she said. You're one of her "so be its" but that was her risk and her choice.

crosspelican · 16/01/2020 14:15

She has zero self-awareness. You can already see how utterly self-centred she is going to be when she has kids of her own. Luckily, you won't be in her unfortunate friendship circle to have to put up with it!

Hi friend,

I'm sorry you feel that way. You said yourself that this was likely outcome for a number of invited guests with your chosen location and no-kids policy, so I don't think I need to explain or apologise further.

I wish you all the best for your wedding day and future happiness.

Best,
NewMamaLondon

Sewrainbow · 16/01/2020 14:23

I wouldn't say any more to her you declined apologetically and profusely and she said she understood some people wouldn't be able to make it due to distance and being child free, she obviously thought no one would be turning down her amazing invitation!

She is the one with the problem and is being selfish and lacking in understanding of other peoples circumstances. She may get it if she is in this position one day but I doubt you'll convince her to change her mind now.

Santasy · 16/01/2020 14:28

This happened with a friend of mine. We'd been best friends as children though drifted since and she had been a bridesmaid at my wedding. My child was older (3 or 4 I think) but my mother refused to babysit so I could go to a wedding and I didn't feel I knew enough friends of the bride to go alone. I apologised and sent a gift but it caused a rift that lasted for years.

As far as i remember my friend felt that my not coming to her wedding (or hen weekend: I'd had a miscarriage and was very low) was the latest in years of me cancelling nights out and she was right. It was. I hated leaving my child and my DH was not very keen on minding his own child. My friend was young free and single and tbh we had very little in common at that point so socialising with her was not a priority even though she did always make the effort. I would have preferred if she had come to visit DC and me but that did not interest her. Anyway, we were probably both unreasonable/reasonable. Ime people lash out when they are hurt and rarely just because they are being nasty for the sake of being nasty.

Is it possible your friend feels like this is a personal slight against her? I'm not sure what you can do whatever the case. From your pov the situation is what it is

Urkiddingright · 16/01/2020 14:33

She’s the selfish one, not you.

She’s obviously the sort of person who believes the world revolves around her. She had the hen do in a far flung country so obviously some people won’t be able to afford it or won’t be able to attend for logistical reasons. She then decided to have a child free wedding a five hour drive away from where she lives so again, of course some people won’t be able to attend. You have been polite and honest, it’s completely understandable why you can’t attend and she’s behaved like a child in response. Just ignore her and move on.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2020 14:33

Bridezilla.

pineing · 16/01/2020 14:33

Blimey, who can be arsed to go to a wedding that far away unless you are actually in the wedding party?

She's being totally ridiculous.

Urkiddingright · 16/01/2020 14:34

Oh and I wouldn’t reply to her! She’s an absolute bitch, completely unworthy of any grovelling. You haven’t done anything wrong at all.

MacavityTheDentistsCat · 16/01/2020 14:36

You are well rid of her. Even if she can't relate to why you can't make it, she is displaying an appalling lack of manners by doing anything other than graciously accepting your refusal and saying that she looks forward to seeing you at another time. She needs to learn that an invitation is an invitation and not a summons and that other people have lives too.

Gemm83 · 16/01/2020 14:37

Methinks she has had a lot of people decline..... Oh well, sucks to be her! Don't get in contact again. You have apologised and given extremely reasonable reason as to why. She will go away and lick her wounds and no doubt come back with tail between her legs.

user1493413286 · 16/01/2020 14:37

Of course you’re not being unreasonable however weddings do funny things to people. You may find in time that she gets back in touch and apologises but if not then it’s her loss

Pinklittle · 16/01/2020 14:37

Invitation not a request, don't worry yourself OP xx

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 16/01/2020 14:38

Could your partner book annual leave to be sure he's there to mind your baby so you could go?

Reginabambina · 16/01/2020 14:39

Is she geberally quite neurotic?

Thinkingabout1t · 16/01/2020 14:40

I’d just reply wishing her all the best with the wedding, and leave it at that. You’re being civilised and she’s not.

user1471449295 · 16/01/2020 14:42

Her right to have the hen and wedding she wants. Your right to decline. YANBU at all, although there are undertones within your post regarding her choice of location for both events.
FWIW, I wouldn’t leave my under one either

YouJustDoYou · 16/01/2020 14:43

People with either no children or those with children but with easy option childcare on tap have zero clue. My BIL for example (who has two kids but MIL is there for them to babysit 24/7 drop of a hat) invited us with just 2 hours notice to his dds party, we not only already had plans but wouldn't have had the time to drop everything to drive for almost 2 hours up the motorway.

Curiosity101 · 16/01/2020 14:43

YANBU in theory - but we don't know exactly what you said to her when you explained that you couldn't attend the hen or the wedding. For example even though YANBU you potentially could have worded it in such a way that it annoyed her?

sarahjconnor · 16/01/2020 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PhilCornwall1 · 16/01/2020 14:46

We had a child free wedding, it was bliss. The people who couldn't come, just didn't come. Wouldn't hold it against them.

Flip

1 2 3 4