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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she being unreasonable - or am I? (Or both?!)

98 replies

NewMamaLondon · 16/01/2020 13:22

Ok, so some background: I have a partner and a baby (under one). I have a friend who is getting married this year (no children). We've known each other for a few years and have never been super close but have seen each other on and off.

So first, she invited me to her hen. It's three nights, abroad - a long flight, not just a Eurostar to Paris kind of situation where those who couldn't make all three nights could just do one or even go for a day at a push. Honestly I just didn't feel able to spend that long away from DC (would still be under one then, and I haven't left for anything like that long before). I explained, apologised, and said I'd like to take her out for a nice afternoon tea to make it up. She replied that she understood and no worries and that would be nice.

Then the wedding invitation arrived. Turns out it is taking place quite a distance away from where we both live - 5hr+ drive. It's also a child-free wedding which friend called me to reiterate and said she knows this means some people won't be able to come but so be it. Due to reasons I won't go into (but nothing ominous!) neither my parents nor PIL can have DC that weekend. Neither me or DH have siblings or other options of people to look after DC. Other thing I should add is that DH is away on business a lot and so we can't be sure that he would be around to look after the baby even if I said I'd go on my own (friend knows this).

So I ended up writing a card and declined, really apologising profusely and politely explaining the difficult situation re childcare and offering to chat more on the phone or in person etc. Friend then called me selfish, said that it's her time and that I should be more respectful of that. She said I was making it all about me (honestly didn't think I was, surely you have to say, politely, why you can't attend something?). Then she told me the friendship was over.

Now I completely understand that she is disappointed - I honestly do - but I also think if you plan a wedding hours away from where you all live and make it child free (when a lot of friends have kids) then not everyone will be able to go. She also said herself that she knew this might happen!

I'd also add that since I had DC she's only been in touch once, despite me inviting her over, out etc several times. The only other contact has been about the hen and wedding.

So: have I been really unreasonable in declining the hen and wedding and the way I behaved in doing so etc?

OP posts:
1forsorrow · 16/01/2020 14:50

It's a temporary psychosis called wedding fever, she will recover if she is normally ......well normal.

If you can't go you can't go. She'll get over it or she won't, not much you can do about it.

ILearnedItFromABook · 16/01/2020 14:51

YADNBU.

The "this is my time" act is ridiculous. She needs to get over herself. If it were so important to her to have her friends in attendance, she should've made it as easy as possible for them to attend! Choosing a location 5 hours away and making it child-free is rather selfish of her. Doing so and then getting bratty (and insulting) when people can't make it is bridezilla behaviour.

eddielizzard · 16/01/2020 14:51

I do wonder what these people think when they finally do have kids. Do they think 'OMG I was such an arse, I understand now!' or do they turn into the worst kind of child-absorbed parent?

YasssKween · 16/01/2020 14:55

She's being batshit and nasty.

I don't have kids and I would totally understand your reasons and not dream of calling you selfish for them... because I'm not an arsehole!

Poor you, try not to get too upset about it. Let her get on with it and hopefully once her bridezillq side had her day she will look back and cringe, ideally with an apology too!

1stMrsF · 16/01/2020 14:58

I think people just don't get it. DH's oldest friend was really upset we didn't go to his 50th birthday celebrations that would have required a whole weekend away when our twins were just a few weeks old. Why couldn't we just leave them with my Mum they said? Hmm It's a real shame she's made such a big deal out of it, but it's not your problem.

PhilCornwall1 · 16/01/2020 15:00

Do they think 'OMG I was such an arse, I understand now!' or do they turn into the worst kind of child-absorbed parent?

No to both of those.

lowlandLucky · 16/01/2020 15:05

Dont feel bad OP, if she is silly enough to book a wedding so far away then she deserves to have very few people there.I had a work colleague who decided she loved a barn in town the next county, it was 45 miles from the town the Bride and Groom grew up in, the barn had no accomadation within walking distance, She was hacked off when every one left to drive back to our home town after the meal and toast. They had paid a fortune and were left twiddling their thumbs all evening in a empty barn.

BaolFan · 16/01/2020 15:22

Woman who doesn't want kids at her wedding gets upset when invitees with children decline to attend.

Weddings - like alcohol - seem to bring out the true characters in people. In my experience nice couples will use it as an opportunity to have a lovely day where they get to indulge themselves a bit but ensuring that everyone has fun. Selfish monsters use it as an excuse to let their ego and unbridled narcissism run riot.

Bakedbrie · 16/01/2020 15:36

What a horrible woman...you dodged a bullet there OP! Have no sadness or regret about this.

Sunflowersok · 16/01/2020 15:38

My cousin and her hubby fell out with me for the same reason - the date was changed last minute when I was 38 weeks pregnant ready to pop and I could barely put my shoes on due to sciatica. And that was only an hour and a half away! I apologised but I wasn’t going to grovel for it

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/01/2020 16:03

Your “friend” is being a diva and not much of a friend, she is definitely being unreasonable. But at the same time if you aren’t able to rely on your DH when you’ve had plenty of notice for him to block out time your social life is going to suffer. Depending on what your DH’s job actually is, I would probably find the idea that you couldn’t come on your own because you don’t know whether your DH will be travelling to sound like an excuse because you didn’t want to come.

Ceci03 · 16/01/2020 16:06

a lot of my friends went a bit "odd" about their weddings and hens. I'd ignore it. Keep saying you're really sorry but..... She'll calm down and come back to reality when it's over!

jollygoose · 16/01/2020 16:06

well shes talked herself out of a wedding present hasnt she? In mumsnet terms she`s batshit!

AryaStarkWolf · 16/01/2020 16:09

YANBU, move on, she wasn't a close friend anyway so no great loss

Cocobean30 · 16/01/2020 16:19

Block her. When the wedding mania wears off she will probably regret this. Or one day if she has kids!

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2020 16:20

Friend then called me selfish, said that it's her time and that I should be more respectful of that. She said I was making it all about me

Well, one of the two of you is definitely being selfish and disrespectful there....

She does realise that a baby isn't a hobby that you can 'do' when you have time for it and miss a week here or there when you get a better offer, doesn't she?

I think that, when she acknowledged that some people with children wouldn't be able to make it, she didn't really believe it herself - that was her euphemistic way of saying "I know I've deliberately made it very difficult for anybody to come to, especially parents, but I'm sure they can magic something up, because it's meeeeee."

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 16/01/2020 16:26

A lot of people don't seem to realise that, when planning their own weddings, they've done everything exactly how they want it and to suit them (and no reason at all why they shouldn't) and taken as long as they needed to save up for it - but that, with the possible exception of their parents and maybe extremely close family, it's a nice occasion but it isn't life-changeingly special for everybody else.

In fact, it's not just weddings: an awful lot of people are very egocentric and just can't grasp the fact that special events in their own lives aren't nearly as important to anybody else as they are to them. If you're 3, this is to be expected. if you're 33, it's pathetic.

Mary46 · 16/01/2020 16:27

Think some brides get self absorbed! Feel for you op. Not always easy get kids minded. We had evening babysitter but wedding nearby. Alot easier. She sounds quite the diva

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 16/01/2020 16:32

YANBU

If she hadn't been such a cow I'd have suggested your husband book the friday and saturday off work to look after your son while you went

billy1966 · 16/01/2020 16:33

Well rid.
She's not a friend.
She's an acquaintance.
And a prat.

Don't give it another thought OP 👍

strawberry2017 · 16/01/2020 16:38

She will understand one day, when she is her own kids and she realises the world revolves around them and not her!
You did what you had to do for you and your family. Don't feel guilty. X

FrancisCrawford · 16/01/2020 16:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sadiee88 · 16/01/2020 16:43

If she really wants you to go, you’ll have to take bubba. Simples.

JosefKeller · 16/01/2020 16:44

She is not unreasonable to organise the wedding where she likes et is convenient for the bride and groom.
Totally not unreasonable to have a child-free wedding if so many friends already have kids!

You are not unreasonable to decline because it's not convenient for you.

She is ridiculous to call you selfish.

letmebefrank · 16/01/2020 16:55

You're well rid. She's not a good friend.

Imagine she'll be losing more friends along the way to her hen and wedding, the selfish cow.