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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not assist family member with moving house

67 replies

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 02:57

My Auntie is planning on moving 250 miles across the country at some point this year and my Mum has asked me to assist her (code for do the move basically). My Auntie hasn't even sold her property yet, we often work weekends (partner and l both work in healthcare) and often plan stuff for the weekends we don't work. We don't live where she is now or where she is going to. Logistically it would be a nightmare with driving van (s) and getting back to where we actually work. My Auntie has the money to pay someone but doesn't really want to [biscuit}. Oh and for clarity my Mum doesn't want to help her either as it "would be hard work" despite living where my Auntie is actually moving to. Personally l don't think you should ask people to do stuff you wouldn't do yourself. My Mum is unhappy that we don't want to do it.

Practically we wouldn't probably be free any way as moves are rarely planned super in advance -where we work it can sometimes take a month to be decided and may not even be agreed then.

We ourselves are planning on moving this year and won't be getting any help off anyone. My Auntie is not a close part of our life and 4 years into our relationship my partner still hasn't met her. She is hard work and not one to make effort.

OP posts:

PixieDustt · 16/01/2020 02:59

YANBU

porridgeface · 16/01/2020 03:05

No, I wouldn't help either.

Nifflernancy · 16/01/2020 03:06

Why is your mum asking you?! Weird and what a cheek if she can’t be bothered herself. If aunt can hire someone then she should obviously do that. Don’t feel any guilt!

katy1213 · 16/01/2020 03:10

Removal firms will do everything for a price.

calllaaalllaaammma · 16/01/2020 03:11

That’s what removal firms are for.

Topseyt · 16/01/2020 03:14

Why on earth would your Mum or aunt think it reasonable to ask you to do this?

Say no and stick to your guns. If your aunt wants to make the move then she funds it herself and does it properly.

Original poster

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 03:15

@Nifflernancy because she thinks 'someone' should be helping her and my Mum loves to nominate me. E.g. when my brother went to university, she moaned she couldn't be bothered taking him and asked me to. I didn't even drive at the time so would have had to ask my then boyfriend which is even more unreasonable and l said no. My Mum's logic is also if she doesn't pay movers then my Auntie will save money but why would we suck up the whole weekend being written off and the associated costs of getting 270+ miles back to our house, returning vans etc. If my Mum feels so strongly then surely that person is her?!

OP posts:

Original poster

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 03:15

@katy1213 exactly. They will even pack all of her stuff for the right price.

OP posts:

Cluckyandconfused · 16/01/2020 03:30

I wouldn’t get too worked up or engage in au serious debate if your aunt hasn’t even sold her house yet.
I’d simply say that due to your work schedules it’s unlikely it would work out.

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/01/2020 03:32

YANBU to think she should pay people if she can afford to.

Does it matter that your mum isn't happy with your answer to her ureasonable request?

Original poster

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 03:46

@BoomBoomsCousin it doesn't matter no. I just wanted to get an opinion from others about my stance. I was fairly sure l was right! My Mum is frequently not happy when things don't go her way

@Cluckyandconfused to be honest l don't even intend to enter into a debate, it would be a waste of time anyway and l don't like feeding into things. I will reinterate the MN mantra of "that doesn't work for me l am afraid".

OP posts:

Frenchw1fe · 16/01/2020 03:51

Not forgetting 'No is a complete sentence '

BoomBoomsCousin · 16/01/2020 04:09

EL8888 that's good to hear. Stick to your guns!

Original poster

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 04:21

@Frenchw1fe exactly!

OP posts:

TruculentandFarty · 16/01/2020 04:29

I think I would ask my mother "why do you think I will want to be bothered with something any more than you do? Especially as you live there and I don't."

Casino218 · 16/01/2020 04:38

YANBU. There was an expectation that when my DHs sister moved house we would help. She wasn't willing to pay for a removal company. I just said 'look we moved house two years ago and paid for a removal firm, I suggest you do the same'. She did pay for someone but cheaply. They had too small a van and some other family had to use their cars to assist. Bloody useless!

Durgasarrow · 16/01/2020 04:48

Who are you to deprive hard working professionals of a legitimate job? Let auntie pay movers to get her crap from point A to point B safely

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 04:59

Just say no. YANBU at all.

filka · 16/01/2020 05:05

Packing up and moving a household takes a lot of skill and care, also its heavy work moving furniture in and out, up and down stairs, around corners etc. without damaging it or the house. You can't get insurance for that but a professional mover can.

YANBU - she should leave it to the professionals. At least 3 quotes from firms near the old home or the new one.

YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh · 16/01/2020 05:07

As said by a PP removal companies will do everything for a price, know how to pack breakable objects securely and they are insured for breakages. It is something you factor into the expense of the whole process.

I moved house two and half years ago and my DSis stayed for a couple of nights either side of the move to help me. The removal company did all the hard work though. It was just nice to have someone with me for hand holding purposes.

Ishotmrburns · 16/01/2020 05:10

Yanbu.

I would just say "it's probably not feasible since we live so far away and both work shifts. Hope she finds a suitable removal company"

Your mum is being very cheeky. If she wants to help she should do it herself, and you aren't even close with your auntie. The whole thing sounds ridiculous.

AlwaysCheddar · 16/01/2020 05:31

No way! Your mum, sorry, is an arse,

Original poster

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 06:34

@YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh yeah l thought you just factored in the costs of movers. That is what we have done for our move?! She is moving from an expensive part of the country to a less expensive part and intents to take out some of the equity so will have money. Plus has been planning it all, so logically should have saved and planned for these kind of expenses.

My Mum often focuses on things being the ways she thinks or wants things to be, rather than the reality. She also is avoidant about how unreasonable her and her sister can be.... Put it this way neither of them will be helping us move so it says it all really.

OP posts:

RhubarbBikini · 16/01/2020 06:47

YANBU. My mother pulled this guilt trip on me a few years ago. I was also working shifts in healthcare and was also recovering from a car accident. I would not have been able do the drive, let alone lift anything.

Just say no and dont be guilt tripped.

Beautiful3 · 16/01/2020 07:02

We only moved 2 miles away and we used professional removals. How could you help her load the huge van, drive there and unload?! Its back breaking work. Just say no. Suggest she uses removals. Also if you hired a small van you probably won't fit everything in one go, meaning multiple trips! This wouldnt work as I'm sure she would be expected to leave by a certain time. Things can get broken if you don't pack them and load them properly. You could lie and say that you cannot get the time off work.

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