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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not assist family member with moving house

67 replies

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 02:57

My Auntie is planning on moving 250 miles across the country at some point this year and my Mum has asked me to assist her (code for do the move basically). My Auntie hasn't even sold her property yet, we often work weekends (partner and l both work in healthcare) and often plan stuff for the weekends we don't work. We don't live where she is now or where she is going to. Logistically it would be a nightmare with driving van (s) and getting back to where we actually work. My Auntie has the money to pay someone but doesn't really want to [biscuit}. Oh and for clarity my Mum doesn't want to help her either as it "would be hard work" despite living where my Auntie is actually moving to. Personally l don't think you should ask people to do stuff you wouldn't do yourself. My Mum is unhappy that we don't want to do it.

Practically we wouldn't probably be free any way as moves are rarely planned super in advance -where we work it can sometimes take a month to be decided and may not even be agreed then.

We ourselves are planning on moving this year and won't be getting any help off anyone. My Auntie is not a close part of our life and 4 years into our relationship my partner still hasn't met her. She is hard work and not one to make effort.

OP posts:

beautifulstranger101 · 17/01/2020 09:00

I think it sounds pretty mean spirited

No it isn't. If the OP hurts her back trying to lift a piano or a three seater sofa do you think the aunt is going to help her out financially when she cannot work? of course she won't- the OP is on her own then. When it comes to manual handling and heavy lifting it is wiser to let the professionals do it. They know about lifting stuff and they have insurance so if anything gets broken it can be easily replaced.

Roussette · 17/01/2020 09:09

I think it sounds pretty mean spirited

Why?
The OP doesn't live near where the Aunt is now. Nor does she live where the Aunt is moving to?

This might be something you help parents with but an Aunt?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/01/2020 09:47

Reply to your oh-so-helpful-at-voluntelling-everyone-else mother:
"Hi Mum, as you're aware Aunty Ann is moving though hasn't yet sold her current house. That said, neither me nor DP will be able to do the big move when the time comes. We don't get much time when we are both not working so the very few weekends we do get when we're both off work together, we have plans for. Please don't keep asking us because the answer will be the same. There are plenty of moving companies that can do the move, help her pack and deliver all of her furniture and boxes to the right rooms in her new home when the time comes. They are also insured against any damage or breakages that may occur during the move, and I'm not. So can we please stop discussing this as it is making me uncomfortable having this conversation over and over again?"

Highonpotandused · 17/01/2020 10:14

@CherryPavlova

In truth, I think it sounds pretty mean spirited but I’d tell you’re mother she need some to help too.

This doesn't even make sense.

fedup21 · 17/01/2020 10:20

I think I would ask my mother "why do you think I will want to be bothered with something any more than you do? Especially as you live there and I don't."

This.

Sounds like your mum wants to been seen as being helpful (wehoo, your aunt’s problems are solved) but without actually doing anything herself (because you’re doing it!).

Just say no, you’re too busy. Say she can use a removal company like you are doing.

Frenchw1fe · 17/01/2020 10:24

My dd and her fiancé moved from 1 flat to another less than a 1/4 of a mile.
She asked if we could help and I explained that a man with a van was what she needed. We weren't going to wreck our cars, her furniture and our backs.
It still took the poor guy all day and they helped. And imo he was a bargain at £150.
People have no idea how physically hard it isalthoughperhapsyourauntandmumdo .

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/01/2020 11:11

YANBU. Your auntie can just book a complete packing and removal service if she wants to. It really isn't your problem to solve at all.

Notthebloodygym · 17/01/2020 11:14

I think it's reasonable to say no. It's a good idea anyway that your mum realises she can't offer up your time. I have one relative who is constantly offering my skills to others, and I've put a stop to it by being unavailable. They've got the message!

Original poster

EL8888 · 18/01/2020 02:32

@Collaborate are your parents my ex in-laws?! They used to pull that stunt and the ex used to do it

I think it is reasonable to say it doesn't work for me. She's retired with literally all of the time in the world, a luxury l don't have. I already had a busy year planned with moving house, a new job and fertility treatment. Sometimes you have to say no to stuff

UPDATE: my mum texted me this evening saying "we will talk more about this". Errr no we won't, l have nothing else to say

OP posts:

Topseyt · 18/01/2020 08:37

Text your mum back saying "No. There will be no further discussion. Our decision is made and will not be changing. I/we won't be guilt tripped here. If you mention it again I will get very annoyed."

She thinks she can talk or guilt trip you round to it.

fedup21 · 18/01/2020 09:38

Have you replied to that text?

I’d reply now and get this sorted.

‘Mum, you can help her if you want-you are retired and have the time in which to do so-I don’t, so won’t be.’

OldEvilOwl · 18/01/2020 09:41

Just say if I'm free that weekend I'll help but I'm usually working so don't count on it. Then make sure your not free

Smelborp · 18/01/2020 10:02

What topseyt and fedup said. Not a chance would I do this. It may not even be feasible - we filled a large lorry and we didn’t have that much in our two bedroom house. Whoever helps could end up doing multiple journeys.

Tell your mum if she wants someone to help, then she has lots of free time and she should crack on.

I would be quite annoyed with her for this, it’s very manipulative, lazy and selfish of her. She also wants to be seen as the hero here without any work.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 18/01/2020 10:11

If she can afford help, then she should pay for it.

Plenty of people who could easily afford to pay for help or services seem to think they’re entitled to have family or friends do it for free. Dh had an old aunt like this - plenty of money but as tight as you like. She thought other people should do whatever it was ‘for love’.

Apart from which, it sounds as if you’re quite busy enough anyway.
Just say you’re sorry, but because of general life/commitments, it simply won’t be possible.

fedup21 · 18/01/2020 10:12

Oh and for clarity my Mum doesn't want to help her either as it "would be hard work" despite living where my Auntie is actually moving to

Why is she allowed to not want to help because it’s hard work yet she expects you to do it?!

Troels · 18/01/2020 10:44

I'd ignore your Mum and just contact your Aunt to say, I can't help you move as I'm working 50-60 hours a week and an not able to do it, I suggest you try contacting xx the movers see what they will charge you. I'm told they are very good.

beautifulstranger101 · 18/01/2020 10:55

I'd ignore your Mum and just contact your Aunt to say, I can't help you move as I'm working 50-60 hours a week and an not able to do it

This. I wouldnt even bother replying to the mum. Just tell the aunt NO, you cant do it. Then leave it at that and refuse to get drawn into any arguments or negotiations. People cant have an argument on their own so just refuse to be drawn into it. No means no.

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