To not assist family member with moving house

[EL8888]

My Auntie is planning on moving 250 miles across the country at some point this year and my Mum has asked me to assist her (code for do the move basically). My Auntie hasn't even sold her property yet, we often work weekends (partner and l both work in healthcare) and often plan stuff for the weekends we don't work. We don't live where she is now or where she is going to. Logistically it would be a nightmare with driving van (s) and getting back to where we actually work. My Auntie has the money to pay someone but doesn't really want to [biscuit}. Oh and for clarity my Mum doesn't want to help her either as it "would be hard work" despite living where my Auntie is actually moving to. Personally l don't think you should ask people to do stuff you wouldn't do yourself. My Mum is unhappy that we don't want to do it.

Practically we wouldn't probably be free any way as moves are rarely planned super in advance -where we work it can sometimes take a month to be decided and may not even be agreed then.

We ourselves are planning on moving this year and won't be getting any help off anyone. My Auntie is not a close part of our life and 4 years into our relationship my partner still hasn't met her. She is hard work and not one to make effort.

Just say no and stick to your guns. If your mum think she needs help then she needs to offer to help herself.

“No sorry I’m working/busy/away on a holiday weekend “ etc. if your mum is so worried she can help with the move.

We had this with 'poor SIL' needs help to move as her car (and her husband's car!!!) are too small to move her furniture. Bloody soft hearted DH borrowed my car to do it, driving several hundred miles to their old house, on to their new house then home. He didn't even get a cuppa as thanks! As soon as they'ed emptied my car they shooed him out the door as they were going out for dinner!!!!! And dream on for petrol money.
Definitely say 'no' to your DM and, whenever its mentioned, ask how Aunt's arrangements are coming on and reiterate 'no' so it can't be thrown back that you didn't give enough notice you wouldn't help.

Gosh just tell your mum she is being utterly bonkers, laugh heartily and hang up. Yanbi.

When we moved I thought our house would fill 2 x 3.5t vans. It actually took 4! Fine because I had movers so they simply brought more vans. If we'd done it ourselves we'd have had double the van hire cost or double trips and double loading unloading. Paying a removals company is money well spent. Definitely say No!!!

@BillyCongo exactly! My Auntie also has a lot of stuff. She is a bit of a hoarder who claims to have streamlined a lot of her stuff but l am not sure.

WTF is wrong with your mum?
She won't help your aunt because "it would be hard work" but she cheerfully volunteers you? Fuck that.

WTF is wrong with your aunt?
You say she has money - can she not put her thinking cap on & hire some form of service that combines transportation with moving goods around the country? If ONLY there were a recognised & prolific industry that could help her out here?!

I know. She has form for this, it is like she is allowed to not like shit jobs but others aren't. For clarity she retired young and spends her days doing what she wants. I work 40-50 hours a week on average and do shifts.

Auntie knows it is a thing but doesn't want the expense. To be fair l don't want the expense of movers, solicitors, stamp duty etc when l move. But all of that's just tough!

“Fuck off” is an entire sentence.

Oh lord no. Just tell her you cant do it. Dont feel guilty or pander to the emotional blackmail- this woman is a grown woman and can sort out her own removals. You aren't her skivvy! Dont give it a second thought OP.

Just keep saying no.
Why should you pay out to help someone else to save them money.

Having spent years having to move myself I was overjoyed to be able to pay for removers. It was fantastic. Having seen how little it cost for a packing service I will try very hard to afford this next time we move.

Say no with a good conscience, if she pays for removers it will all be so much easier for her.

Your aunt needs the benefit of a removals company’s insurance apart from anything. Non expert movers could cause terrible damage to her stuff and I’m sure your mum would hate you to be responsible for ruining something

As an alternative (if you wanted one ), you could offer a day to help her declutter and get organised for the move? If she doesn't have a support system (kids/partner) and she's a hoarder it could be overwhelming for her.

I would tackle this head on and say that it is not possible for you to be involved in anyway due to health reasons - I'm sure you've both had back pain in the past and you can't risk putting your backs out and not being able to work.

Say this now to avoid any further discussion. If you're feeling nice, point her in the direction of a couple of removal firms. If she's overwhelmed with packing, they'll do all of that as well.

Honestly don't get involved. Moving house is shit, and hard work, but we've all had to do it and the majority of people do it themselves with a removal company, the days of friends and family chipping in to help are gone.

the days of friends and family chipping in to help are gone

Agreed. I would not expect my friends/family to give up their weekend to lug heavy furniture about. I'd be very wary of their backs and what would happen if they injured themselves and couldn't work etc
Not to mention, they could drop and break stuff accidentally. Far better to leave it to the experts who have insurance for these kinds of things.

Don't make excuses with backache. Just say to your DM.... I have absolutely no time with my family and my job, if Aunt needs help why don't you do it? We don't live near, why should, you do! If not, Aunt should pay like everyone else. My answer is NO.

p.s. I remember helping move my DM and DF when they were probably the age of your Aunt. It was horrendous but this was my parents.

I would not even engage in a discussion if it was me. Just say No, end of! CFs...

YANBU, it's so much easier to just get movers. We recently moved house and we did it ourselves, but it took all day! My sister had movers and was all moved in after a few hours. Professionals cost more but its definitely value for money. We won't be doing it ourselves ever again!

Just say 'no, that won't work for us' and leave it at that. You dont owe anyone an explanation!

I think it’s silly to start saying all the reasons you ‘can’t’ without even knowing the date.
In truth, I think it sounds pretty mean spirited but I’d tell you’re mother she need some to help too.

Can you message your mum and aunt do there’s no confusion.
Auntie - mum said you’re looking for someone to help you with your house move. Just wanted to say we aren’t going to be able to help you, it just won’t work for us. Good luck finding some help but if youre struggling I understand some moving companies will come in and pack for you as well as move. Love x

it just won’t work for us.

Sorry - but does anyone actually say this in real life? I'm a rude git, but I'd be embarrassed to say/type that.

My parents used to do something like this. Whenever they went on holiday they'd ask for a lift to the airport instead of getting a taxi (which would have cost £20-£30). It wouldn't matter how inconvenient the time of the flight was. 4am departure? They'd ask for a lift. 1am return? They'd ask to be collected.

What used to bug me was that despite living further away from the airport than them I'd never ask for a lift from them. I'd always prefer to get a taxi myself, so the thought of setting aside 2-3 hours at anti-social times to save them £20-30, when they had plenty of money do have a number of foreign holidays a year, really irked. I'd rather have paid for their taxi than driven them myself, bit more preferable than that I'd rather they paid for one themselves.

I think it sounds pretty mean spirited

It's not mean spirited to refuse to give up a rare free weekend to work like a dog for someone who is too mean to shell out and get it done properly. It's mean spirited for whoever is asking OP to do this.