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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People who don’t rsvp to children’s parties!!

96 replies

Amyarmadillo1990 · 16/01/2020 01:09

I’m feeling so frustrated! It’s my sons party soon, we’ve hired a play area and invited his whole class so 30 children. I’ve still not heard back from so many parents about whether or not their child can attend! I asked one mum as I bumped into her and she said her son couldn’t go (and instead of letting me know she had just ignored the invite) then I saw another mum and she said they were coming (although she didn’t let me know prior to this!) my son is new-ish to the school so I don’t know many parents to ask face to face. I’m stuck on what to do, do I pay for 30 children to use the play area, order food for 30 and sweet cones for 30 and just have leftovers/wasted money if people don’t show up, or do I assume the lack of rsvp means they won’t be attending so not pay for their place at the play area and not cater for them but then I’d feel so awkward if they turn up anyway? This is the first birthday party I’ve ever hosted so advice welcome please! I put my number on the invite and a date to rsvp by so I just don’t understand why so many haven’t got back to me :( I know everyone recieved the invites as the class teacher put them in book bags herself just under 2 weeks ago :(

OP posts:

OlaEliza · 16/01/2020 09:34

CF is a Cheeky Fucker.

Why are you making provisions for people that might turn up on the day without rsvp-ing?

No rsvp, no plate. Don't let them in.

Davespecifico · 16/01/2020 09:34

The problem with whole class parties is that you’re forced into interactions with people you wouldn’t normally know. In your own circle, it’s likely that everyone is similar. You all know a bit about rsvping etiquette and you all know what you’re meant to do, more or less, when your child is invited to a party.
But a significant chunk of people are not like that. Social expectations of this type don’t figure in their lives and they wouldn’t even know that they would concern you.
I think you need an approach that’s somewhere between assertive/hardline and pragmatic. So leave a list with the staff in reception of party members so that anyone who arrives having not rsvped either pays to come in and play or leaves. But also have some extra party bags in case there’s been a genuine mix up.

Urkiddingright · 16/01/2020 09:42

I forgot once a few years ago because I was under an awful lot of stress both personally and at work so RSVPing to a child’s party just wasn’t at the top of my agenda. The Mum ended up approaching me about it in the playground and I was hugely apologetic about it, I just totally forgot.

Parents have a lot on their plates, some more than others. In an ideal world everyone would RSVP within a day or two but we are all human and mistakes happen.

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 09:50

There can be all kind of reasons people don't reply, some terrible some good. To the person who said they would reply if it was work related - some people would not and are unable to hold down a job. When you do whole class parties, invites go to the organised nice parents, as well as the parents whose lives are so chaotic that getting everyone fed every night is an achievement.
Also there is always the chance that invites go astray and never reach the parents.
So rather than getting annoyed, better to give a date to rsvp and say if they do not, you will assume they are not coming. I would only ever chase up kids who were actual friends of your child, not everyone. Then turn away anyone that has not said they will be coming with an apologetic, I needed to book the spaces in advance, it is too late now.

wakemewhenitsallover · 16/01/2020 09:50

I often forget to reply. I had ADHD and replying to things in a timely fashion is an issue. I hate to think how much I spend in late fees for various things.

I know you're all going to say I'm rude, but it isn't lack of care, it's lack of organisation and being overwhelmed by too much on my plate. I'm really struggling at the moment and have a hundred urgent things I should be doing, or there may be dire consequences. The party invite is in the middle of that chaos.

I've forgotten to actually take the kids to a party we've RSVPed to, at least 4 times over the years. Still feel really guilty about that.

GameSetMatch · 16/01/2020 09:53

I had this a few years ago, it’s put me off parties for life. I even wrote on the back in the invites to reply either way, I think four children turned up three who did RSVP and one who just turned up. My son was so sad it’s was awful, out of all those children only four turned up I wasted so much money. This year he’s having the money I would of spent on a party and we are going to Smyths toy shop to spend the money with a Pizza Hut after!

Rosebel · 16/01/2020 10:01

I got my daughter to ask her class once at the end of the day who was coming to her party and her excellent teacher added "I expect everyone to reply tonight ". Worked like a dream. All the parents who hadn't replied did so that day. About 50/50 to those who were coming and those who weren't. So obviously these parents could text me they just couldn't be bothered.
It's so rude. So glad my children are past this stage

Wannabegreenfingers · 16/01/2020 10:03

Really rude and no I don't take your not replying as not coming. I'd rather you say 'sorry we are busy that day, have a great time' then not reply at all.

Its really not difficult and just show's really bad manners

drspouse · 16/01/2020 10:23

How can you post on here that it's too hard to text, when you can't actually write a text?
How do you communicate with school? Do you talk to teachers? Ring the office? Send a message?
How did you communicate with your ex when you were together?
How would you feel if you invited a child over and the parent just ignored the invitation?

JosefKeller · 16/01/2020 10:35

I hate the ridiculous "we are too busy to reply" excuse. We are ALL busy (not so much that we are all wasting time on MN but there you go )

All you have to do is check is reply yes or no. The busy parent who is organising has to deal with everything else. How hard can it be.

It's rude and it's really shit for the birthday child. A birthday party is a BIG thing for a 5, 6 or 7 year old. For you and I, it's just a party among tens of other party, but it's the ONE day for that child. How fucking insensitive and rude can you get not giving a monkey about a child.

Some parents are well off, others have made a lot of efforts to save enough to offer a ONE party for their child. But hey, you are too important to reply, aren't you.

People who do not reply usually wait for a better offer, and don't turn up because they found something better to do on the day.

What you should do is only plan for the kids who have RSVP, but the problem is you are not as much a shit person as their parents, and people feel bad about excluding a child on the day or not having a party bag for them. It feels very mean to penalise a child because the parents feel they are better than others.

JosefKeller · 16/01/2020 10:36

To the posters who can't be arsed to reply because they are "too busy", or too important to say no

just read the threads where a child is left out of parties, always
how upset the child and parents are.

Your kid is invited, you should be pleased. You don't want him to go, just decline. It might be the very last invitation they receive...

user1496146479 · 16/01/2020 10:44

@AlrightyyThen
I'm astounded you can't manage'Fred can't make it'
That's all that is needed to not be rude!!

karencantobe · 16/01/2020 10:51

We can't change the fact that some parents don't reply. However angry or annoyed we get, it still happens. So you have to come up with a way to manage this.

wakemewhenitsallover · 16/01/2020 11:02

I'm really fucking shocked at the continued bullying of AlrightyyThen.

She's said she's autistic. Lay off her FFS.

You're like an ignorant bunch of baying hyenas.

Is this how you get your kicks, by putting others down? Get a life.

JosefKeller · 16/01/2020 11:07

Is this how you get your kicks, by putting others down? Get a life.

you do realise that it's children who are being let down when parents don't reply, do you?
if no one turns up, it's an annoyance for the parents but it's a horrible thing for the little ones. Yes, there are worst things in the world, but they are young children, a bit of compassion wouldn't hurt.
People who have children themselves could make a small effort, couldn't they.

It's one thing to forget once - but it seems it's always the same ones who do!, but not bothering is just mean.

Insulting posters to make yourself feel better is just childish.

spongejack · 16/01/2020 11:26

@wakemewhenitsallover people are pointing out that her behaviour impacts her child, it will. She needs to understand this and get some strategy to sort it out.

Social anxiety can be difficult but it can also be managed.

Bluewater1 · 16/01/2020 11:32

Oh yes, this really annoys me. Every year I have to ask people in person if their child is coming or not because they haven't rsvp ed.

Alloftheboys · 16/01/2020 11:41

@Amyarmadillo1990

Word of advice. If you have to pay after the party - have a guest list on the door and tell the staff to only allow those on the approved list in.
We had 6 siblings brought to the soft play (play only no food) which added 1/3 onto the cost of the party.
We only discovered this CFness when paying the balance after the party.

Jupiters · 16/01/2020 11:44

I've they haven't RSVP'ed I'd just assume they weren't coming.l I wouldn't cater/book space for them. If the invitation isn't important enough to warrant a reply...

JosefKeller · 16/01/2020 11:53

I've they haven't RSVP'ed I'd just assume they weren't coming.

trouble is, the might if the parents hadn't got a better offer after all. It's hard to be mean to a little kid and tell them they are not welcome after all because of the rudeness of the parents.

How many posters pretending that they didn't know a RSVP meant hosts were waiting for a reply?
or the poster who claim that no reply meant = she was coming.

You despair sometimes!

DontMakeMeShushYou · 16/01/2020 11:58

Entirely unrelated to the OP's original post but this thread is a very sad indictment on the way people with ASD are treated by society once they become adults.

Everyone who has criticised @AlrightyyThen should be ashamed of their manners. You might reply to party invitations in a timely manner but you are ignorant, self-congratulatory, and utterly rude.

JosefKeller · 16/01/2020 12:05

DontMakeMeShushYou
anyone who implies that people with ASD are unable to have manners, be polite and considerate is ignorant, rude and unbelievably offensive.

wakemewhenitsallover · 16/01/2020 12:13

Everyone who has criticised AlrightyyThen should be ashamed of their manners. You might reply to party invitations in a timely manner but you are ignorant, self-congratulatory, and utterly rude.

This x 100

DontMakeMeShushYou · 16/01/2020 12:23

anyone who implies that people with ASD are unable to have manners, be polite and considerate is ignorant, rude and unbelievably offensive.

If anyone on this thread had said that, then perhaps they would be. But they haven't. However, a number of posters here seem to find it difficult to understand that there is more than one way of being polite and considerate and displaying good manners. Instead they seem to be hung up on judging the manners of others purely by their responses to party invitations when they would do well to have a little more introspection. Real good manners are displayed by showing compassion, kindness, and understanding to those around you. Yes, it can be irritating if people don't reply to invitations, but life is a whole lot nicer if you don't choose to find rudeness and offence at every turn.

Seasidegirlyyh · 16/01/2020 12:23

This happened to my little boy's birthday party last year. 2 hrs free soft play and cooked meal. There were only 10 spaces but only 4 replied. Thankfully one of the boys who did come brought his 2 older brothers. If not it would have been really sad for my boy. I chased the parents at least twice with no reply

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