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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU am I in the wrong

55 replies

Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 00:24

Keeping it simple
Husband went out tonight to a funeral. Said would be home after.
2 hours later text to say he was out having drinks
Ok - not overjoyed hes out drinking and I'm home with 3 under 3. 2 of which wont go to bed
Asked him would he be home. He said yes straight away. Hour later ( pub 5 mins away ) comes home and cant understand why I'm annoyed . I'm more annoyed he went and didnt tell me until well into he night hes out drinking. Ie I'm the free babysitter at home its fine
He yells he doesnt go out anymore. I yell back neither do I.
He runs away downstairs like he always does and doesnt hash out the argument.
Says after all he does for me he cant go for a few pints.
Hes missing my point - text and tell me beforehand

Anyone help ?

OP posts:

AlmostAJillSandwich · 16/01/2020 00:28

He's at a funeral and went for a few drinks with other mourners? Yes you're being unreasonable, hes not on a jolly hes lost someone close enough to attend the funeral of, he's grieving.

MT2017 · 16/01/2020 00:31

YABU - it's after a funeral! It's quite normal

busybarbara · 16/01/2020 00:36

He yells he doesnt go out anymore. I yell back neither do I.

You need to sort this out. I'm sure he could look after the children for a few hours while you go out with a friend or whatever. It sounds like a sore point

Original poster

Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 00:40

Thanks for your replies

OP posts:

Original poster

Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 00:41

Yes @busybarbara I'm at sahm to 3 babies. I dont get out as he works evenings also. I'm probably becoming resentful

OP posts:

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 00:42

Fair enough about a few drinks after a funeral. No fair enough him not being upfront about what time he would be back. He should have been honest with you. Out of curiosity but does he realise all of the things that you do for him? Having 3 children would impact on most peoples social life, does he not realise this?

Original poster

Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 00:46

Thanks EL8888- that's exactly why I'm upset. I dont go anywhere anymore. I cant even manage a walk in the evenings. I do everything in the home. I've no problem with that and he does often thank me. But it's at times like this I feel he doesnt respect me.

OP posts:

EL8888 · 16/01/2020 00:49

I would give him a taste of his own medicine. Not in a petty way but do stuff for you e.g. an exercise class every Tuesday for example, book club, regular catch up with friends without the children etc. Everyone deserves and needs some down time, plus he might realise how busy 3 children keep you!

Santasy · 16/01/2020 00:49

Sorry, I voted YANBU but I meant you are!

Did you not plan your babies? Yes it is a difficult time with small kids and full of petty resentments but you need to go out some evening then rather than resenting him for doing something perfectly normal.

Original poster

Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 00:53

@fantasy all 3 very much planned. 🤣

OP posts:

vacayonmymind · 16/01/2020 00:53

YABU. He was at a funeral and went for a few drinks after. Completely normal.

You need to sort yourselves out with leisure time for the both of you. It’s no good getting resentful. Set aside some time to go and do what you want to do.

Original poster

Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 00:55

Thanks everyone for your replies. You're all right. I'm being resentful. Time to put some thought into myself . Plan evenings out

OP posts:

CardsforKittens · 16/01/2020 00:57

You’re not being unreasonable to want some time out occasionally, but neither is he unreasonable for having a few drinks after a funeral. Three young kids are hard work, so you need to support each other to get through it. And start planning some time out for yourself.

StoneofDestiny · 16/01/2020 01:16

You've chosen (planned) to have 3 children under 3 years old and to not work outside the home. If he works nights to support the family there are consequences to that.
If you worked to earn money, surely he could cut out night work and you'd have more evenings together to share inside or outside the home.
Funeral - normal behaviour.

frazzledasarock · 16/01/2020 01:42

Presumably choosing to have 3 under 3 and OP being a SAHM was a joint decision between OP & her DH.

Why should OP put up with shitty behaviour from her DH, she’s not asking him not to go out, just that he tell her he was going to go drinking.

OP definitely look into having child free time for yourself too. Might make your DH see exactly how much work it is for you.

Herpesfreesince03 · 16/01/2020 01:42

Yabu. He was at a funeral and had a few drinks after. If you’re frustrated about your lack of nights out then arrange one. Don’t begrudge him and cause an argument because you’re jealous he attended a bloody funeral!

Sparkle2020 · 16/01/2020 02:12

Yes YABU. Post funeral drinks is a bit different to getting on it with the lads

Sparkle2020 · 16/01/2020 02:12

Think you should apologise to him really

PawPawNoodle · 16/01/2020 06:06

Did you really expect him to go to the funeral and then just come home straight afterward? If I were a family member of the deceased I would find that rude, a wake is part of the funeral. It doesn't even sound like he was out for that long.

confusedandemployed · 16/01/2020 06:17

Agree with most PP, totally expected to attend the wake after a funeral.
But you both need to sort yourselves out re: free time. You both need it and resentment will grow if you don't sort it. I wonder if he always planned to go to the wake but knew you would object if he told you? If so you're both in the.wrong here.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 16/01/2020 06:20

YABVU, it’s a funeral wake not a nightclub.

It’s not babysitting, it’s parenting and presumably you wanted to not work so he has no choice but to given he has five people to support.

squaky · 16/01/2020 06:21

This thread 😂 wtf has a funeral got to do with going out drinking and not bothering to tell your wife who is at home looking after 3 kids? He planned them just as much as she did.

Cheeserton · 16/01/2020 06:23

You need to start making time for each other to go out. When there is quid pro quo, and you are both afforded the occasional few hours out, everything goes much better and without resentment.

Brefugee · 16/01/2020 06:24

It's hard work with little ones and a DH who works evenings.

Can you arrange to go out for afternoons/lunch without the DCs, assuming your DH is home during the day?

When you're both calmer it's probably time to discuss and maybe revise your arrangements. Perhaps it would be better for you to work PT?

OrangeSlices998 · 16/01/2020 06:29

You’re all assuming the drinks are with the people from the funeral - may very well not be and he’s met up with some friends and had a few drinks. The issue here isn’t that he’s dared to go out, but hadn’t let his wife know, and acted like he’s hard done by because he never goes out. Neither does she! They both chose to have the children they do, and both chose for her to be SAHM. So why MN thinks she should just burden the work and responsibility of that and quietly accept the status quo is beyond me.

OP if you can, might be worth a) utilising a friend/family member/neighbour who can perhaps babysit one evening so you get some time out of the house? Or, if you want to go with DH then have a regular babysitter and go for dinner or something. Time together/out of the house won’t magically happen unless you put things in place. YANBU to feel resentful, even if it’s a choice and it works for your family it’s a normal feeling!

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