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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU am I in the wrong

55 replies

Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 00:24

Keeping it simple
Husband went out tonight to a funeral. Said would be home after.
2 hours later text to say he was out having drinks
Ok - not overjoyed hes out drinking and I'm home with 3 under 3. 2 of which wont go to bed
Asked him would he be home. He said yes straight away. Hour later ( pub 5 mins away ) comes home and cant understand why I'm annoyed . I'm more annoyed he went and didnt tell me until well into he night hes out drinking. Ie I'm the free babysitter at home its fine
He yells he doesnt go out anymore. I yell back neither do I.
He runs away downstairs like he always does and doesnt hash out the argument.
Says after all he does for me he cant go for a few pints.
Hes missing my point - text and tell me beforehand

Anyone help ?

OP posts:
lumpy76 · 16/01/2020 06:32

I've been where you are OP (exactly where you are) and we had more children after too! Invest in time TOGETHER & some individual ME time for each of you - NOW - make it a top priority otherwise the resentment will grow between you and your marriage will suffer & maybe fall apart. Couple of hours together, couple of hours each. YABU being angry at him but I totally understand why and I was you and did that years ago - it took us years to realise that we really needed to invest in our marriage too and had we we both could have been a lot happier! Don't make the same mistake we did!

slashlover · 16/01/2020 07:42

He runs away downstairs like he always does and doesnt hash out the argument.

To be fair, this is probably the best thing if you're yelling at each other and he'd had a drink. Nothing was going to be resolved.

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2020 07:49

You need to be kinder to one another. As a one off he went for a few drinks after a funeral and stayed longer than anticipated. Is it really the crime you're making it out to be?

I'm assuming having three kids so close together is a decision you both made, as was being a sahm. So the both of you need to own the decision and try to find a way for you both to get downtime.

ineedaholidaynow · 16/01/2020 07:54

Does he normally work during the day and in the evenings as well?

CakeandCustard28 · 16/01/2020 07:56

YABU, that’s the normal thing to do after a funeral. He’s grieving.
You both need to sit down and sort things out, you both clearly want to be able to go out now and then.. can’t you look into CRB checked babysitters? Go out once a month together.. or take it in turns? You’ll feel a lot more sane for it.

Damntheman · 16/01/2020 08:26

You’re all assuming the drinks are with the people from the funeral - may very well not be and he’s met up with some friends and had a few drinks. The issue here isn’t that he’s dared to go out, but hadn’t let his wife know, and acted like he’s hard done by because he never goes out. Neither does she! They both chose to have the children they do, and both chose for her to be SAHM. So why MN thinks she should just burden the work and responsibility of that and quietly accept the status quo is beyond me

This. Exactly this. They both need to PLAN their time out, he's just assumed it's fine because he wants to do it. He didn't check with her that she could cope while he was gone. He lied about when he was coming home - or was at least vague. It's not cool. Sure he can go out, so can OP. But couples need to communicate and be respectful of each other. He was being a dick!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 08:31

You both need to have a conversation today about making time for yourselves.

Original poster
Elliesmommy · 16/01/2020 08:39

Thank you all for the replies. I must say though whether our children were planned or not ( which all of them were - timing also ) has got absolutely nothing to do with what my post was about. We also sat down after baby number 1 he felt very strongly as did I we didnt want our children raised in a creche. He worked 2 jobs before I met and still does. Which I absolutely do appreciate but at the same time it means I do everything with the children and in the home . It's hard. Must it's my choice and I I so feel very lucky to spend all this time with them. The problem isnt him spending time away it's probably that I get no down time and I'm becoming resentful.
I've apologised for arguing with him . He also apologised for not letting me know he was going drinking after the funeral.

I've planned to meet a friend tonight. And I plan to keep this up every week

OP posts:
Mumofone1593 · 16/01/2020 08:39

Yanbu to be upset you don't have time for yourself but you are being unreasonable by being upset your husband stayed at a funeral drinking with friends for too long. All funerals I go to you drink for hours (sometimes soft drinks) and reminisce, it's not fair to be angry about that.

I would say book yourself a spa break or start a course at the library on your husbands day off? If you have something written down to look forward to it should help with the long days being a SAHM.

I work evenings and sometimes count down to work as it's so hard with one in the day so imagine you must be having a really tough time with no breaks Flowers

maddy68 · 16/01/2020 08:39

Yabu. Why would him having a few drinks after a funeral be an issue? It's also expected?

Mumofone1593 · 16/01/2020 08:41

Cross posted, so glad you arranged a weekly break. It will definitely help you feel better. Glad he was understanding of why you were upset and everyone apologised.

Brefugee · 16/01/2020 10:52

but OP it would still be good for you both to talk about how you want to split your time/responsibilities with your DH. People change, situations change - children grow up etc. Also - are you thinking about your pension arrangements? what you will do when your DC are at school? will you want to go out to work again? volunteer? give your DH a break from having 2 jobs? That kind of thing.

And you can work around both of you having downtime from all the responsibilities, with and without each other.

WillLokireturn · 16/01/2020 11:27

@Elliesmommy

That's a good result. Well done.

turnthebiglightoff · 16/01/2020 11:32

YABVU.

Greenkit · 16/01/2020 11:39

I think you should get yourself a babysitter and go out once a fortnight with friends. You are losing yourself in the children, probably tired, and are starting to become resentful.

He should also sort out a night out once a fortnight

Is this something you could facilitate together (Maybe no need for a babysitter?)

JKScot4 · 16/01/2020 11:44

He went to a funeral and after two hours you’re annoyed he’s not hime, how long did you think going to a funeral took??
You both choose to have 3 kids and he works two jobs, I think you’re being a bit ridiculous, as I doubt he gets free time either.

Dontdisturbmenow · 16/01/2020 11:56

Oh dear OP, your resentment for having no time for yourself is clouding your judgment. It sounds like your oh doesn't much time for himself either and the time he did was under sad circumstances. How's you be jealous of the fact he went out for some drinks in this instance.

You chose to have these babies your oh was working all hours, surely you knew that time for yourself would be an utter luxury.

Arrange one when your oh isn't working in the evening, but don't resent him or he will only resent you back.

Cyberlibre · 16/01/2020 12:19

Great result op! I hope you manage to get plenty of time to yourself.

MorganKitten · 16/01/2020 12:24

Last few funerals I went to we ended up in the pub sharing stories about the person, it’s part of grieving. YABU to not let him do that.

BlueKarou · 16/01/2020 13:05

I'm not entirely sure what the problem is - he went to a funeral, then went to the pub afterwards and he texted you to say that's what he was doing (as many have said - it's quite normal to gather with other mourners after a funeral.) I can see you mentioned it took him an hour to get home, but that's also not completely unusual - finishing his drink, ending conversations, finding the family of the bereaved, it can take a while to sensitively leave a funeral.

That said, shouting at you that he doesn't go out anymore wasn't nice. In fact it sounds like you both are, understandably, a bit exhausted from your situation. Probably best to wait until you've both had some sleep and tempers have calmed a bit before having a sit down and talking about how you can arrange it so you both get a break and some time to yourself. I have a friend who, for the summer at least, used to split some evenings, so she would leave her husband to finish off the bedtime routine for their three (older than yours) and she would go out for a walk with the dog and her headphones in and do her own thing for an hour or so, then she would go home and tag husband out and he would go to the gym for an hour or so. It meant they didn't have those evenings together, but they did both get a chance to do something of their choice and away from the house and the kids.

Rather than arguing about what you both can't do, it would be more productive to talk about what changes could be made so you're not getting so stressed about it.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 16/01/2020 13:20

If people read the OP they’d realise the point was he just went and didn’t tell her.

You should both have time out (as I think you’ve both acknowledged) but both parties need to PLAN it. No one partner is free to just go spontaneously.

BlueEyedGreeness · 16/01/2020 13:23

Yabu

JKScot4 · 16/01/2020 13:40

@Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze
Didn’t tell her?? He went to a funeral, did she think he’d be back in 30 minutes?
Turn this around; if this was a woman saying ‘I went to a funeral and my DH is moaning I went to the wake and didn’t update him every half hour’ imagine the response, he’d be called controlling.
What is this need to constantly know each other’s every bloody move? A funeral doesn’t have a convenient timescale ffs

JKScot4 · 16/01/2020 13:41

Also, wtf is this shite: No one partner is free to just go spontaneously
Is a relationship a prison?
Pity your poor DP, probably can’t have a shit without letting you know 🙄🙄

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/01/2020 18:00

You should both have time out (as I think you’ve both acknowledged) but both parties need to PLAN it.

I dont think a funeral falls into the 'time out for hobbies' category.